Presenting… the ballplayers born (or at least named) to excel at certain baseball statistics:
CHRis Iannetta
CHRis Davis
CHRis Carter
CHRis B. Young
KHRis Davis
Julio TehERAn
ERAsmo Ramirez
Drew PomERAnz
Joel PERAlta
Kelvin HerrERA
Jacoby EllSBury
Drew StuBBs
BoBBy Abreu
Chris DenoRFia
Kohl SteWARt
Jason HeyWARd
Patrick CoRBIn (unfortunately for his ERA)
Check out what we will wear in today's game for #StPatricksDay! #Mets pic.twitter.com/OEfvMcbc7G
— New York Mets (@Mets) March 17, 2014
and former Met / current disgruntled ex-Met Justin Turner
(Corrected from earlier draft, “Hopeless Joe’s Ten Old Prescriptions.” Apologies for misunderstanding the assignment.)
1. Dan Haren proves to be the Dodgers’ most valuable starter.
When the entire rotation is carved up by a serial killer and sold for parts on the black market.
2. Chris Davis strikes out over 200 times.
Combined results from his in-person attempts and interactions via his profile on Match.com. (Don’t tell his wife.)
3. A member of the Braves’ front office staff is forced to undergo ligament-removal surgery after the team runs out of ligaments to use in Tommy John surgery.
Probably an intern. As a former internship director of mine once said, “interns are only good for their body parts, including their orifices.” (That was one of my best jobs.)
4. The Pirates lead the majors in Twins; the Twins lead the majors in Pirates.
Ahoy, Sam Deduno. And welcome to Pittsburgh, Winklevoss brothers.
5. Alcides Escobar wins his lawsuit against Paul Simon, claiming to be the original writer of Simon’s hit song, “You Can Call Me Al.”
In a related development, Asdrubal Cabrera releases a hit single, “You Can Call Me As.”
6. Stephen Drew signs with the Houston Rockets.
3 years, $45 million. Goes on to lead the league in rebounds.
7. J.P. Arencibia wins the Triple Crown.
Because baseball doesn’t really seem to be working out for him anymore.
8. The world doesn’t end in 2014.
Look, I think that’s bold, given everything we’re doing to this planet. Have you been outside recently? (I haven’t.)
9. Ruben Tejada leads the Mets in runs.
Probably his diet.
10. Jim Leyland rises from the grave and re-takes the Tigers’ managerial position.
What? Jim Leyland is still alive?? That’s impossible. Well, I guess I’ll just save this prediction for next year.
The New York Times had a piece earlier in the week, titled “Little Choice but to Hope Tejada Can Handle Job,” featuring quite possibly the least-supportive selection of quotes I’ve ever seen about a player.
“At this moment, Ruben Tejada is the shortstop here.”
“We don’t have a lot of options. He’s our main guy right now.”
“We just need him to get on base and turn the lineup over…. That’s all we need him to do. He’s definitely capable of it. He’s probably capable of more than that. But that’s what we need him to do.”
I assume the Mets have tried and failed to trade Tejada, because certainly no team would be interested if this is how his own team talks about him. What confuses me is why Terry Collins and Dave Hudgens feel like it makes sense to go on record about how disenchanted they are with a player who is still on the team, and who they still need to perform. I felt bad for Ruben Tejada after reading this article, even if he is as lazy as the piece makes him sound. Who wants to be publicly insulted by his boss? Professional athletes may make a ton of money, but they also suffer a lot of public shame and ridicule… though usually it comes from fans and commentators, not their own employers!
There is something a little puzzling about the Mets’ front office if they would rather stick with a player they think is the worst than be able to find some sort of acceptable replacement for him. Surely there is a shortstop available somewhere, anywhere, that would be preferable to them, based on this article.
PHOENIX — Ryan Braun lashed out today at MLB’s new confidence testing program, insisting that his positive result for confidence was tainted by the anti-semitic Cubs fan urine collector who handled the sample improperly, dumping a bucket of extra confidence in before it was sent off to the lab. “I have never been confident, and, really, I have no reason to be confident since I am no longer taking drugs,” Braun insisted. The commissioner’s office is considering punishment for Braun due to excess confidence — the penalty for the first violation is being the subject of an hour of sports talk radio.
CAPTION: Ervin Santana checking to see if there is any news yet as far as his decision.
In breaking Ervin Santana news…
It was initially reported that Santana had accepted an offer from waffles, but after french toast swooped in with the promise of a smaller deal with more incentives (free syrup), Santana promised to decide by 5PM. The deadline came and went with no answer, the waffles got cold, and then cereal came in with a three-bowl offer worth a reported 42 mini marshmallows. As the days continue to pass, we await word….
After more than 50 months of no updates from Santana regarding the costume he would be wearing to a 2009 Halloween party, we heard this weekend that he had chosen to go with Captain Sully Sullenberger, who made the heroic emergency plane landing on the Hudson. This would have ended a 4+ year impasse, but we then received conflicting reports that he had decided to go as Michael Jackson’s doctor. Complicating things even further — a last-minute rumor that Santana would actually be dressing as Supreme Court Justice Sonia Sotomayor. All three costumes await further news…
“Oh, when I said 5:00, I thought because of Daylight Savings Time, that was going to be next week. I promise, I promise, I’ll decide before the All-Star Break. Or before I get an arm injury. I hope. Maybe I’ll flip a coin. Do they have coins in Canada?”
Unclear whether Alex Anthopoulos, Dan Duquette, or Terry Ryan is the leading suspect. Or perhaps it’s all of the fantasy baseball players who had drafts this past weekend.
Jake Peavy explains his finger injury to the Boston Herald:
“Just getting ready to go fishing … promised my little boys I’d take them fishing. Went over to Bass Pro [Shops] and bought them some rod and reels and they were combined. Just tried to cut them, because they were wire-tied, using my knife,” Peavy said.
“With my right hand holding the rod, with my left holding the knife and when I broke the wire tab it (the knife) just stuck my knuckle pretty good.”
Peavy said he struck a vein and he bled pretty severely all over his shorts. He said he and his boys went to John Lackey’s house, where he discarded the bloody shorts for a new pair….
“It was a brand new knife and it was huge as well. It was new and big, so it was pretty sterile, but it was pretty sharp as well,” he said….
“No, we didn’t catch anything, but I might have got dad of the year votes on that one. I promised my 5-year-old we’d go fishing and that’s why I didn’t seek attention. My older two come with me (to the ballpark), but I leave him (the 5-year-old). We had about a hour before dark. I couldn’t tell my 5-year-old I couldn’t go fishing. It was his last day here,” he said.
As someone who has never been fishing, and is probably pretty unlikely to ever go fishing, I will attempt to translate this injury into something I can better relate to.
“Just getting ready to go to the library … promised my son I’d take him to the library to get some books. Went over to the children’s shelves and picked up a book, and it was stuck to another book. Just tried to pull them apart, and I got a paper cut,” not-Peavy said.
“With my right hand holding one book, with my left holding the other book, when I pulled the sticky pages from each other (one sheet) just sliced my delicate little finger pretty good.”
not-Peavy said he struck a capillary and he bled pretty invisibly all over the cuff of his polo shirt. He said he and his son went to John Lackey’s house, where he discarded one polo shirt for another one, in a slightly different shade of blue….
“It was a brand new book, and it was a picture book, so it was huge as well. It was new and big, and no one had taken it out of the library before, so it was pretty sterile, but it was pretty sharp as well,” he said….
“No, we didn’t end up reading anything, but I might have got Library Patron of the Year votes on that one. I promised my son we’d go back to the library and that’s why I didn’t seek attention. I could have used one of those tiny band-aids,” he said.
Torii Hunter, via Instagram:
Mat Latos
Al Alburquerque, 2012 (I believe this is his ex-wife; he is currently married to a base)
Miguel Cabrera
Cabrera’s wife used to be married to Joe Dimaggio
And here are Alburquerque and Cabrera’s mates together on Family Picture Day
Tommy John’s worst fears came true this weekend.
The highly-retired former pitcher has a tear in his U.S. work visa and will need Miguel Sano surgery. John will fly to the Dominican Republic this week to undergo a study of his bones in order to determine his true age.
John was injured while walking to an AARP meeting.
It’s a bummer for canasta fans who can’t wait for John to return to his place at the table in between two other 70-year-old former athletes.
