Last week, the author introduced a nearly reasonable methodology for identifying the most impressive baseball pitches over any given interval of games. What follows is that same methodology applied to every relevant pitch since last Friday. Go here for more information on the definition of break.

Fastball
Pitcher: Brandon League, RHP, Los Angeles NL (Profile)
Batter: Giancarlo Stanton   Date: Tuesday, May 13th
Velocity: 94.1 mph   Break: 8.1 in.

Footage:

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Following Josh Reddick’s debut of “Careless Whisper” as his new walk-up song this week, the author made the startling discovery that Reddick has in fact been starring in a Wham! music video for his entire career.

Click for a larger version.

Hey, Hopeless Joe here. I am writing this from sunny Orlando, Florida, where I have come for a little spring training getaway. It’s spring, it’s warm, everything’s going great (except for my pesky ragweed allergy)… except there doesn’t seem to be any baseball here right now, so I’m not really sure what I’ve done wrong.

I mean, I intended to check the schedule, but my Internet’s been down ever since 9/11, so I don’t really have any access to information. I just figured I was pretty safely in that “spring” window, and since I hadn’t heard anything about the regular season starting (I haven’t gotten a newspaper since the New York Sun folded its print edition, and my cable package only gives me access to Spanish-language children’s cartoons and Dog TV — which I love, by the way), I figured I’d be fine.

And then some kid on line for Space Mountain (too scary for me, I tell ya — I don’t do anything that involves space OR mountains) tells me that the season’s been going on for six weeks, and the BREWERS are in first place. Clearly he was kidding about the Brewers, so I didn’t know whether to believe him about the season… but why would they call it spring training if pretty much all the games happen in winter? That’s like when I thought I was invited to a “winter holiday party” but no one ever told me where or when it was, and so every day from December until March I waited for a call from my “friend” who was hosting the party, and he never called, and then he said we were never really friends, and my therapist says I should get over it, and– you see how it’s sort of the same thing, right?

So I don’t know what to do in Orlando without spring training games. I just wanted to do the tomahawk chop with Mickey Mouse, but I guess that isn’t going to happen. I tried to find something to eat but all they sell here are mouse droppings, and that same kid on line for Space Mountain just finished the ride and came back over here and vomited on my shoes.

This isn’t even the first time someone has vomited on these shoes.

What follows is not poorly conceived so much as it is barely conceived. Lo, in the interest of improving the author’s workflow and with a nod to This, Our Lassitude, I opposite-of-proudly present the first episode of “Animal GIFs as Baseball Metaphors.” Let us begin with an animal rendering of Game 6 of the 2011 World Series and the smith-forged absurdities therein.

You’ll recall that the Rangers in the course of Game 6 against the Cardinals managed to fritter away a ninth-inning WE of 96 percent or so and then contrived to do the same to a 10-inning WE of 93 percent or so. For the Rangers toiler and or rooter such events were presumably unpleasant in the extreme.

In essence, bliss became undignified agony in an instant …

Sheep-assed. In Game 6 of the 2011 World Series, the Rangers were unsuspectingly sheep-assed by the Cardinals.

This has been “Animal GIFs as Baseball Metaphors.” This has been Appointment Internet.

The great drummer Art Blakey has been quoted as saying “jazz washes away the dust of every day life.” If you have an ear for the most American of music, you might be inclined to agree.

If, instead, you have a penchant for the most American of sport, then perhaps Astros prospect George Springer can use his line-drive homer and casual bat-flip to help you out with that dust situation.

Feel cleaner now, yes?

It’s a matter of historical record that, while the technology to manufacture animated GIFs existed in 1949, it was the province only of select government agencies and utilized primarily to produce short videos of J. Edgar Hoover doing sex to the Articles of Confederation.

Had said technology been more widely available to the public, however — and had personal computers existed and also the internet — then an enterprising weblogger would almost certainly have captured the footage above of Satchel Paige’s marvelous windup and dispersed it to the people.

Last night, in the immediate aftermath of a major league baseball game, a major league baseball player joined Woodward and/or Bernstein to talk about his game-winning hit. Standing on the field as the crowd left the stadium, the player leaned toward the mic and said, “I was just looking…”

Nodding, Woodward and/or Bernstein glanced at the camera and then at the player. “Go ahead,” he and/or they intoned. “Tell me and/or us what you were looking for. And please, consider your responsibility to both the social contract and your own conscience. Be honest.”

The player nodded, as if to concur with the need for candor, and went on. “I was just looking for a pitch…”

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Drawing is something I enjoy a lot. Sometimes it can be a real ballache, but most of the time, it’s the thing I enjoy to do the most. Apart from the few seconds when I have an idea, when my brain fizzes like Pop Rocks, the best part of drawing is when I’m happily going along the same path I’m used to, and then something simple happens, something different, and you see a whole new direction opening up. This happened with the drawing you see above these words. So, I figured it may be interesting for a handful of you to have a look behind the curtain, at the stages of the process that ended up with this picture.

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ESPN’s David Schoenfield investigates Mike Trout’s increased strikeout rate:

Something is going on here besides just a random fluctuation in the numbers, whether it’s tied to Trout’s spring training assertion that he was going to be more aggressive or pitchers finally finding a hole in his swing or a bad case of allergies clouding his vision.

Which begs the question… what is Mike Trout allergic to?

1. Monkeys. One theory, posited by no one, is that Trout is allergic to monkeys, like the Rally Monkey. However, Trout’s strikeout rate is higher on the road than at home, so that theory makes no sense. Also, the rally monkey is a stuffed animal, not a real animal. (Or is he?) Also, I’m not sure the Rally Monkey is even used by the Angels anymore. Also, I’m not sure they’re still called the Angels or if the rest of the team name has swallowed that part up and they’re just the Los Anaheims of Angeles Los Anaheim Anaheims Los Losses.

2. The ball. Except he’s not striking out 72.4% of the time, and 72.4% is more than 27.6%, I think (number alert: can someone from real FanGraphs please check my math?). So even this increased strikeout rate is still less than what it would be if he truly needed to avoid the ball entirely or risk death by sneezing.

3. Ragweed. I’m not saying I’m anything like Mike Trout, or that he’s anything like me, or that we’re secretly brothers, or that I’m also going to earn however many gajillion dollars he’s set to earn in his career, or that I should be playing for the Angels, or that he could write a NotGraphs post, but I’ll just say that I’m allergic to ragweed, and so if Mike Trout is allergic to ragweed too, then it’s sort of like we’re brothers in an allergic way, and that would make me feel super special. Also, can someone recommend an effective antihistamine?