By now you’ve seen the footage, either on ESPN or the Travel Channel: Last night, in the ninth inning of a 3-3 game against Texas, Minnesota’s Eduardo Nuñez journeyed first to the Boundary Waters of the Minnesota-Ontario border, where he canoed languidly through waterways carved into Precambrian rock, and then to Lake Superior, where he rented a cozy cottage and, in his own words, “did some fishing and, really, just a lot of relaxing,” before returning to Target Field, sprinting down the left-field line and reaching third base to avoid Adrian Beltre’s tag.

Now, in the aftermath of Nunez’s journey, the Major League Umpires Association has agreed to a revolutionary new rule: “In the ninth inning of a tie game, the home team can designate one (1) runner to travel to any destination, provided it is within the territorial borders of the North American continent, before returning to the field and enjoying full and unfettered access to the base of his choosing, in whose vicinity, and to much rejoicing, a designated umpire will dramatically rule him safe before arguing successfully with the opposing manager. In addition, should the designated runner travel beyond the borders of the United States of America, he will enjoy a personal exemption from U.S. Customs inspections as well as duty-free status on up to five (5) bottles of liquor and five (5) packages of quality chocolates.”
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If you want, click it. It gets bigger. You will undoubtedly notice that there is no snow in this snow globe. There’s a reason for that: I couldn’t be arsed to draw bits of fake snow. Please send your complaints to Carson Cistulli, 69 Rue de Merde, Paris, France.

The annual Scripps National Spelling Bee — my favorite non-baseball “sporting” event of the year — is on ESPN today and tomorrow. How about our own MLB Spelling Bee? Can you identify and then spell the following fifteen words/names correctly without looking them up? Try your luck in the comments.

1. This FOX broadcaster also broadcasts Reds games along with his father.

2. This is the mascot for the MLB team based in the eastern part of the Keystone State.

3. He’s the current closer for the Mets.

4. This man manages the Brewers.

5. This Padres starting pitcher is currently missing his second consecutive season due to injury.

6. This former major-league manager and 2013 Rockies first-base coach is now a catching instructor and defensive positioning coach for the Rockies.

7. This Cubs starter currently has an ERA of 1.68.

8. This former A’s reliever became a starter in 2008 and finished the year with a 2.54 ERA and a WHIP under 1.

9. This former Braves starter, who made the 2011 All-Star Team, was just signed to a minor league contract by the Reds.

10. This former Rays top shortstop prospect is now serving a harsh punishment on the Phillies (and on their AAA team).

11. This pitcher from Hawaii, formerly a Mariners and Royals reliever, currently plays for the Bridgeport Bluefish of the Atlantic League and has a last name similar to the first baseman for the Yankees.

12. This first baseman was never really given a chance in Kansas City, and didn’t do so well when given a chance in Oakland.

13. This former Blue Jay and Cardinal is currently a member of the Indians bullpen.

14. This man was a backup catcher for the Padres, batting .144 from 1981 through 1984.

15. This former Mariner and Tiger left fielder, first baseman, and third baseman, currently plays in Buffalo for the Blue Jays’ AAA team.

I have written previously about the perhaps unhealthy amount of love in my heart of hearts for one Benjamin J. Revere, formerly of the Twins of Minnesota, recently of the Phillies of Philadelphia. Truly, he is the most beautiful and lovely of the Philadelphia Benjamins, for never was there a better Benjamin than he within the limits of that great American city. He is also the most revered Revere to visit Boston.

And yet, did this morning I read something that gave me pause, penned by the great Jeff Sullivan, one of our betters over on FanGraphs, who suggested that, in hitting the first home run of his career in 1566 plate appearances, “Ben Revere has destroyed maybe the most interesting thing about himself as a player. If Revere is to remain widely known now, it will be for other things.”

We must not allow the memory of Ben Revere to fade, gentle readers. For, while he cannot be all things to all people, he is most assuredly some things to some people (namely me). Here, then, are a dozen important facts about Ben Revere upon which we can base our new understanding of his greatness and defy the Jeff Sullivans of this world who would deny us that opportunity:

1)      Ben Revere has never actually been photographed, because he moves too fast to be captured with conventional lenses. What you see is the layer of skin and fabric left behind when Revere dashes off, cartoon style.

2)      Ben Revere can turn off the light and get into bed before the room gets dark because Ben Revere’s smile lights up any room he’s in, and he’s always smiling.

3)      Ben Revere has a .331 career slugging percentage, which is pretty good for a man who often mistaken for a small woodland creature.

4)      Ben Revere was normal sized until Wonkavision happened.

5)      Consequently, Ben Revere is carried to the ballpark every day in his mother’s purse. She is just happy he found something someone so tiny can do with his life.

6)      Ben Revere is not a poor route runner. He’s a devout Family Circus reenactor. That Billy is a scamp.

7)      Ben Revere never steals second base. He borrows it.

8)      The only thing the morally upright Ben Revere ever stole was my heart.

9)      Ben Revere does not, in fact, possess the ability to hit a home run. He is, however, Nightcrawler, and can bamf the ball over the wall.

10)   Watching Ben Revere run is the closest we can get to knowing the mind of God.

11)   Puppies, LOLZ cats, and panda babies all watch Internet videos of Ben Revere.

12)  Citizens Bank Ballpark’s dimensions are ridiculous, so it probably shouldn’t count, and also the Phillies lost, so it didn’t matter. We can all pretend this never happened.

I beg you, do not consign Ben Revere to the dustbin of history simply because he mistakenly hit a ball beyond the fence which separates the civilized ballplayers from the unkempt masses. Do not forsake him like you forsook Al Newman before him. Be joyous that such a tiny, beautiful man walks among you, somewhere beneath the gaze and notice of aloof, giant humans like Jeff Sullivan. Let Ben Revere into your heart, for only through Ben Revere can you be saved.

Can’t talk. Grabbing my go bag. Gotta lay low for a while, until this shit blows over. Stay frosty. Trust no one. Remember your training. I’ll see you on the other side.

After Giants right flailer Hunter Pence fell victim to the notorious scooter snatcher of San Francisco, he mentioned to reporters, “I can’t fathom driving for some reason.” The crack NotGraphs Investigative Team followed up and learned that, in fact, Pence suffers from a psychological condition that renders him literally unable to conceptualize the operation of a motor vehicle. The two-time All-Star’s difficulties do not apparently extend to other pieces of complex machinery, as he readily answered questions about steam engines, countertop blenders, personal computers, and the Large Hadron Collider. Experts, however, note that it remains debatable whether Pence can fathom the operation of his own person.

MLB Network presents a brand new slate of shows this summer designed to take your mind off the fact that every pitcher on your favorite team is undergoing Tommy John Surgery.

From the makers of Grey’s Anatomy and So You Think You Can Dance… it’s the brand-new SO YOU THINK YOU CAN THROW A BASEBALL 95 MILES AN HOUR AND NOT END UP HAVING ELBOW SURGERY? Follow three thousand young pitching hopefuls as one by one by fifty by two hundred, they all end up blowing out their elbows and having Tommy John Surgery. Will their surgery be performed by renowned surgeon Dr. James Andrews… or will they draw the “wild card” and have their procedure performed by a nine-year-old boy who saw a video on YouTube about how to do a ligament replacement? You’ll have to watch to find out!

It’s not just a Mets pitching prospect about to undergo an MRI on his elbow… and it’s not just a former closer now pitching for the Cardinals’ AAA team in Memphis… it’s both, on SYNDERGAARDSMA, the impossible story of two pitchers, two dreams, and at least one Tommy John surgery between them, if not more to come. Do you have extra vowels and no uniform to sew them onto? Then you have to call… SYNDERGAARDSMA.

Have you ever wondered about the life of a brand-new hitting coach you’ve never heard of, just hired to replace some other guy you never heard of, trying basically to avoid calling attention to himself and staying out of David Wright’s way? Then you’ll want to DVR every episode of LAMAR! Lamar Johnson, an instructor in the Mets’ system since 2005, just brought up to the big leagues, because what isn’t interesting about a hitting coach for a team that’s probably not going to do very well no matter who the hitting coach is? Will he prefer sunflower seeds, or bubble gum? Gatorade, or water? Wilmer Flores, or Ruben Tejada? Does any of this matter?

What do you get when you combine a White Sox first-year phenom, and a should-be-Hall-of-Famer who probably ought to have retired already? It’s ABREU TIMES TWO, as Jose and Bobby team up to hit home runs (Jose) and, uh… fight crime? (Bobby, I guess.) Is the game on the line? You want Jose! Is there, um, a flood in the bathroom? Maybe Bobby can help. Or at least let you use his cell phone. Trying to intimidate the opposition? Jose! Need to fill out some forms to activate your Social Security? I think Bobby would probably have a better handle on that.

Finally, we’re putting a camera in Manny Ramirez’s hair, and following him around, on HE’S A PLAYER-COACH? REALLY? Are you as confused as I am? Actually, why don’t the Mets hire him as their hitting coach and actual major-league outfielder? No? That isn’t a good idea? Are you sure?

TORONTO — The Toronto Blue Jays, to a man, will tell you that they always believed. That they knew, hidden among the ruins of last year’s 74-88 last-place finish, they were a first-place team.

Atop the standings in the American League East as May winds down, with a comfortable game-and-a-half cushion and the division’s best run differential, a quiet and confident sense of satisfaction has settled around the club as it prepares to officially end Toronto’s two-decades long playoff drought.

“This game, it’s fickle. It’s – and this is one of my favorite words – capricious,” said knuckleballer R.A. Dickey. “We learned a lot last year, when we crashed and burned. We learned a lot about expectations, and putting the cart before the horse, and Las Vegas. This year’s different. And I thought it would be.”

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The thing that makes America great, apart from the way it fits so perfectly into the North American landmass – seriously, what are the odds? – is its capacity for allowing talented bloggers to showcase their kick-ass math skills by writing that “Bourjos is a miiiiiiilllllllion times better than Trout, you four-eyed moron,” and also by providing enumerated (enumer8ed) lists.

What also makes America great are these three (3) things:

1) unscripted television

2) mustard

3) the First Amendment

Granted, it’s weird that something called the First (1st) Amendment came in third (bronze) place in my List (List) Of Great-Making Things, but why, you might ask, is the aforementioned Amendment still so totes amazeballs? Well, for one thing, it allows intelligent Internet commenters to observe, “Thers somthing called the Frist Amendmant, you know!!1!2!3!!” whenever a corporation cans an employee for cooing via webcam, “My boobs are totes amazeballs!”

For another, it allows private citizens to voice private thoughts regarding

1) auto racing

2) mustard

3) cannibalism

without fear of gubmint retribution.

One such instance occurred this week, after Dodgers Triple-A catcher Miguel Olivo gnawed off the unfortunate ear of teammate Alex Guerrero.

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Recently, the author introduced a nearly reasonable methodology for identifying the most glorious baseball pitches over any given interval of games. What follows is that same methodology applied to every relevant pitch since last Friday. Click here for more information on the definition of break. Click here for previous editions of the same exercise.

Fastball
Pitcher: Hector Rondon, RHP, Chicago NL (Profile)
Batter: Jonathan Lucroy   Date: Sunday, May 18th
Velocity: 96.8 mph   Break: 6.0 in.

Footage:

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