Yes We Cannibal: Free Speech in the Age of Olivo


The thing that makes America great, apart from the way it fits so perfectly into the North American landmass – seriously, what are the odds? – is its capacity for allowing talented bloggers to showcase their kick-ass math skills by writing that “Bourjos is a miiiiiiilllllllion times better than Trout, you four-eyed moron,” and also by providing enumerated (enumer8ed) lists.

What also makes America great are these three (3) things:

1) unscripted television

2) mustard

3) the First Amendment

Granted, it’s weird that something called the First (1st) Amendment came in third (bronze) place in my List (List) Of Great-Making Things, but why, you might ask, is the aforementioned Amendment still so totes amazeballs? Well, for one thing, it allows intelligent Internet commenters to observe, “Thers somthing called the Frist Amendmant, you know!!1!2!3!!” whenever a corporation cans an employee for cooing via webcam, “My boobs are totes amazeballs!”

For another, it allows private citizens to voice private thoughts regarding

1) auto racing

2) mustard

3) cannibalism

without fear of gubmint retribution.

One such instance occurred this week, after Dodgers Triple-A catcher Miguel Olivo gnawed off the unfortunate ear of teammate Alex Guerrero.

American Culinary Institute

Mr. Olivo:

As arbiters of what we in the industry call “good taste,” ACI formally objects to your “tasteless” display of barbarism. After all, sir, you chewed off a human being’s ear! … and without first bothering to tenderize! Not only didn’t you tenderize, you also failed to marinate. Do you know what else doesn’t tenderize and marinate its meats? Coyotes! And also probably wolves! We are not sure, Mr. Olivo, as we do not often watch Animal Planet. But still: Coyotes! And also probably wolves! And this is to say nothing about your woeful inattention to seasoning and presentation.

To these points, ACI recommends the following steps for a meal of human ear:

1) Pound ear with heavy mallet.

2) Marinate overnight in citrus and vinegar to break down tissue fibers.

3) Season with parsley, sage, rosemary and/or thyme.

4) Stir seasoned ear in bowl with wooden spoon while holding an infant on your hip and a phone against your ear so people think you are “all that.”*

* If ear is still attached to head, use a larger bowl.

5) Cook using appropriate method; larger ears can be braised, stewed or smoked over a long period of time. Smaller ears are perfect for sautéing.

6) Serve on plate with mango chutney.

7) Eat with fork. Also: knife.

8) Using pointy instrument, pick ear hairs from teeth.

9) Make joke such as, “This tastes even better than it sounds!”

10) Laugh at reply such as, “I hear ya!”

League of Vegantastic Vegans of Veganistan

Mr. Olivo:

In response to your recent incident, we at LVVV would like to point out that the production of meat and other animal products places a heavy burden on the environment. For example, just think of the Muscle Milk necessary to fuel an infielder with the scintillating power potential of Alex Guerrero!

Consider, too, that a plant-based diet is rich in protein, iron, calcium and other essential things that get hippie chicks all hot and bothered. Seriously, have you ever eaten a bean-sprout burrito at a fair-trade folk festival? Brother, they’ll be all over you like white on organic, locally sourced rice!

The only downside – and this is a pretty big downside – is that afterward, you’ll have to use a pointy instrument to pick the hair from your teeth.

And so, as an eco-friendly alternative to human ear, please consider a vegan ear fashioned from coagulated soymilk. This “Bean Curd Organ or “Tofu Pinna” is best enjoyed with soy sauce and what we like to call “soy un perdedor pepper.” Granted, we should probably brush up on our Spanish, but we are too busy putting bumper stickers on our locally sourced unicycles.

Gaia will thank you, Mr. Olivo, as will Fiona Apple.

Ear Liberation Front

Mr. Olivo:

It’s true that the mission of ELF is to liberate the human ear from the tyranny of the human head, but this is not what we had in mind. Please call to discuss details.

On second thought, email. We never seem to hear the ringing.

Society of Socialists Who Don’t Really Know What Socialism Is

Mr. Olivo:

We at SSWDRKWSI formally condemn your conspicuous consumption of human ear. Frankly, you should have divided the ear equally among your teammates during the Monthly Mao Social, which, as you know, is funded by the Society of People Who Completely Misunderstand Social Darwinism.

Society for Cannibalism As It Applies to Crudités

Mr. Olivo:

Your application has been reviewed and accepted.

John Paschal is a regular contributor to The Hardball Times and The Hardball Times Baseball Annual.

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Mike Tyson
8 years ago

Welcome to the club, brother! Do you want to eat his children, too?

Mr. Olivo
8 years ago
Reply to  Mike Tyson

Actually, I’m pretty full.

Carson Kluber
8 years ago
Reply to  Mr. Olivo

And Bob Ryan is full of himself.