It is often said of the players whose teams fail to make the postseason — or have otherwise been eliminated from the playoffs — it’s often said of such players that they “are golfing now” or “are golfing in October” or something along those lines. Having said that, I will also submit that not every member of the recently eliminated Detroit Tigers necessarily fits the precise demographic profile of Big Time Golf Enthusiast. How are they supposed to pass the next couple of months?

With a view to answering that question, I present the following — a record of three upcoming Detroit-area activities that might entertain and fulfill Miguel Cabrera, Justin Verlander, and other of this year’s American League champions.

All event details courtesy Detroit arts weekly Metro Times.

Living The Sweet Life: An Evening with Terry McMillan

Authoress Terry McMillan documented, via a novel of a very similar name, how Stella got her groove back. Perhaps she can help all the Detroiters get their respective grooves back, too.

When: November 1, 6 p.m.
Venue: MGM Grand Detroit
Address: 1777 Third St.
Phone: (248) 398-3400
Price: $35

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The Seedlings to Stars blog at SI.com is keeping tabs on the winter leagues. Recently, they wrote up Evan Gattis, including this tidbit in the final paragraph:

Evan Gattis, with his barehanded hitting, size, and mug, congers up images of what one would imagine as the original, raw, old school power hitter.[Emphasis mine.]

Literally?

Scouts are taking notice of Evan Gattis’s advanced control of the Conger Caldron.

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Q: Hi Joe, with the Giants having home field advantage in the World Series, how will the Tigers pitchers fare when having to bat in San Francisco?

A: Terribly. And that’s if they even get a chance to come to the plate. With all of the line drives bouncing off their heads, who knows if the Tigers pitchers will even survive the whole week.

Q: What do you think of the umpiring crew?

A: I think each member is bound to make an incorrect call that will haunt him for the rest of his life.

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To Major League Baseball:

We the undersigned, having no specific (or even general) knowledge of the requirements so far as skilled personnel or technology or other manner of infrastructure are concerned, nevertheless request (and, in certain spirited moments, even demand) for Arizona Fall League games to be broadcast via streaming video on our computers and maybe other connected devices.

We the undersigned would almost certainly be willing to pay a reasonable fee in exchange for such a service. (Like, I don’t know, twenty dollars? Thirty? Is thirty reasonable? We the undersigned aren’t positive about what the market is saying about this.) Otherwise, if these Arizona Fall League games aren’t broadcast, then we the undersigned will be forced either to confront the dark solitude of our respective lives or, alternatively, to adopt other leisure activities that help us forget such darkness. But as the first option is so dark and the latter requires intimate knowledge of who Chandler Parsons is, then we’d like just to get this AFL broadcast thing going, if that’s alright.

Sincerely,
The Undersigned

So here it is. The Great Hangover. Although, for the 92.8% of Americans who did not care about a World Series matchup between a team from a literally burning city and a team without Brian Wilson, I’m guessing baseball ended about a week ago.

Now it’s time to get back into that great void. No more Ottoneu. No more complaining about sac bunting and intentional walks. No more Mustache Watch. (Okay, maybe a little Mustache Watch.)

Now it is time to turn languidly our blackened eyes back — back to the jobs that grieve us, back to the families we have postponed, back to the cold, gray stones of the breaking sea.

Former Rays outfielder Fernando Perez shared this image from India on his tumbler account:

This is the world to which we are returning. This is what the Internet will look like for an infinity of months until Spring Training. IS THIS WHAT YOU REALLY WANTED, SAN FRANCISCO?! A FOUR-GAME SWEEP?! A HASTY TO RETREAT TO THE BURNING VILLAGE THAT IS REALITY?! WELL I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY. BECAUSE THE PEASANTS ARE DEAD.

Our intrepid Investigative Reporting Investigation Team has confirmed that the photo you see above is totally, 110 percent real.

The IRIT has also confirmed that Kate Upton is a lucky woman. A very lucky woman.

H/T: The greater Internet.

Please begin this reading experience by enjoying the following graph:

You may be under the impression that this graph represents the win expectancy of the Toronto Blue Jays as they faced the Oakland Athletics on July 25, 2012. It is certainly within the realm of possibility. However, without labels, we cannot be sure! It could also be one of the following, as the Y value relates to X:

1. The collective hope of Toronto Blue Jays fans (Y) / time (X)
2. The win expectancy of Charles d’Albret in facing the British at Agincourt / time
3. The amount of sense in a Peter Gammons tweet / the amount of characters in said tweet
4. The quality of cereal in milk / time
5. The number of stories about bird watching in Sports Illustrated / year
6. The ability to feel sorry about one’s self / number of pages read of Viktor Frankl’s Man’s Search for Meaning
7. The satisfaction received from drafting Daniel Bard in 2012 / time
8. The number of aquatic frogs owned in a given aquarium / survival rate of said frogs
9. The enjoyment derived from having a new smartphone / time
10. The amount of churlishness in a Horatio Alger protagonist / time
11. The number of gamers / average progress made in TMNT for the NES

There are literally dozens of possibilities. Collect and trade them with your friends!

The purveyors of the Productive Outs podcast posed this interesting morsel of knowledge during last night’s World Series game:

Delmon Young is the closest we’ll ever get to a real life Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle. Enjoy it while you can, folks.

— Productive Outs (@ProductiveOuts) October 26, 2012

This led me to wonder. If Delmon Young is indeed a Teen-aged Mutant Ninja Turtle, which one would he be? By my count, we have four options. Observe:

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7:56 himno nacional, 7:59 lanzamiento ceremonial, 8:05 #Giants sale al terreno, 8:07 primer pitcheo del juego. #SerieMundial2012

— Enrique Rojas/ESPN (@Enrique_Rojas1) October 25, 2012

Here’s a thing the author knows: that foreign-language acquisition is miserable, more a function of daunting repetition than engaged and creative thinking. Here’s a thing the author doesn’t know: Spanish. In light of the former point, however, the latter one is unlikely to change.

That said, as a follower on Twitter of ESPN’s Enrique Rojas, I sometimes — just by virtue of the common language of baseball — I sometimes find myself accidentally learning Spanish. Am I in danger of reading and then writing a compelling thesis on the works of Jorge Luis Borges? Likely not. However, even just owing to the tweet embedded here, I now understand, like, 50% more Spanish than I did a second ago — and I’ve derived the translations by means of context alone!

To wit:

Himno nacional? National anthem!

Lanzamiento ceremonial? Ceremonial first pitch!

Giants sale al terreno? The Giants go out to the terreno!

In conclusion, here’s a Learning Spanish Accidentally with Enrique Rojas! checklist: