Casual baseball fans are sometimes confused as to why pitchers, who theoretically should have an in-depth knowledge of pitch sequences and the ways pitches move, are almost uniformly crappy hitters.

Indeed, it’s difficult to imagine that some pitchers — as Giants closer Santiago Casilla did in his second ever big-league plate appearance last night at Miller Park — are so confused in the batter’s box that they appear frightened even of pitches that are not especially close to them:

Boo.

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Hey Friends,

Just wanted to shoot you this mass e-mail to give you all an update on my fantasy baseball team and how things have been going so far this season. I apologize that it’s been a while since my last update– I know you’re all staying up nights wondering if I’ve been able to fill the hole in my outfield created by Jacoby Ellsbury’s injury, or whether I decided to stick with Phil Humber after his run of lousy starts or instead throw him back on the scrap heap, and I feel terrible that I haven’t had the chance to reach out sooner with the latest news. Before I get to the stats, I just want to let you know how much all of your support regarding my fantasy success has meant over the past few years, and, please, if there are any fantasy activities that you’re involved in where I could throw some karma your way, don’t hesitate to let me know. If there’s time between lineup changes and trade negotiations, you can definitely count on me to come to a flea market or a funeral or whatever it is the rest of you spend your time doing.

So, the numbers you’ve all been waiting for… I’ve risen to third place (that’s ten points!) in stolen bases! The milestone we were hoping to achieve in the last e-mail has finally come true! No need to send presents, seeing it in the standings is reward enough for me. (But if you must send a present, send it to my wife.)

Okay, what else to update… Cody Ross’s injury… slipping in the ERA standings… one of my children got murdered… Francisco Liriano to the bullpen… all pretty devastating, in their own ways.

Next update soon! I know, I know, more frequent mass e-mails about my fantasy team! I hear you! But there’s only so much one man can do!

Best,
Your Least Favorite Person In The World

Felix Hernandez: Why didn’t you call me? I called you. I called you like eight times. Why didn’t you call me?

Adrian Beltre: I called you. Oh come on. I called you. Check your messages. I called.

Hernandez: No you didn’t call me. No no no.

Beltre: Man, check your phone. Must be broken.

Hernandez: No way.

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There are two gladiators here, fierce and prepped for battle. They read from inspirational poetry of their times before heading into combat.

“Eat lettuce and soft apples eat:
For you, Phoebus, have the harsh face of a defecating man.”
— Roman poet Martial, circa 100 AD

They clang steal, they shout epithets. They practice fierceness and they ready their minds for the conflict that stands in front of them.

And yet their identity remains unknown.

Perhaps one is…

Alex Rodriguez’s cousin? Or the centaur?
Sam Fuld?
Andrew Friedman.
MF Doom?
Caligula come to dine upon the innards of the competition?
Drew Sutton? Or the guy he was replacing? Or was Sutton the guy who got injured and needed replacing.
The missing (titular) devil?
Chris Carter — either one?
Brandon Allen?

On Sunday afternoon, Sun Sports featured a special “sabermetric broadcast” — featuring actual Tampa Bay outfielder and nerd’s nerd Sam Fuld — for the Rays’ interleague game against Atlanta.

Below are five screenshots from same. (Please click, with a view to embiggening.)

1. Here are David Price’s stats, including FIP and BABIP:

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A lyrical arrangement of (slightly paraphrased) tweets by Brandon Phillips.

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This is the sixth in a series of short excerpts from MLB Network’s entirely imaginary new fall sitcoms. More details here.

Today’s show: DIFF’RENT SMOAKS

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Often, the sub-genre “Men Surrounded by Things” involves images of men surrounded by things. On this fine day, though, “Men Surrounded by Things” brings us a man surrounded by another man and his puissant essence. Bear whetted witness:

Now go and ponder love and those who make it.

“Prepare your body for the Asunder Dome.”
— Secret Umpire’s Guild in a letter addressed to Lawrie

Several days ago, NotGraphs informer syh sent us the preceding imagine. At the time, we found it curious but decided to sit on the unusual footage until we could better understand the matter. On Sunday night, we received the following letter, leaked to the NotGraphs Bilibino headquarters in the Bilibinsky District of Chukotka Autonomous Okrug, Russia:
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In the following clip (from the WTMJ broadcast of Saturday’s Brewers-Twins game), America learns that Bob Uecker loves three things — and only three things — as follow:

1. A Beautiful Spring Day

2. Betterment of Home and Garden

3. Swift Justice

Regard:

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