“Prepare your body for the Asunder Dome.”
— Secret Umpire’s Guild in a letter addressed to Lawrie
Several days ago, NotGraphs informer syh sent us the preceding imagine. At the time, we found it curious but decided to sit on the unusual footage until we could better understand the matter. On Sunday night, we received the following letter, leaked to the NotGraphs Bilibino headquarters in the Bilibinsky District of Chukotka Autonomous Okrug, Russia:
To Whom It Concerns,
Selected minutes from the Secret Umpire’s Guild meeting, May 18, 2012:
Call to Order
• J. West offers report on latest album.
• C. Conroy, T. McClelland motion to make strike zone more squiggly, less squaggly.
• Vote; motion approved unanimously. (80 for, 0 against, 6 absent)
• D. Eddings, L. Diaz motion to call more catcher’s interference.
• Vote; motion approved. (70 for, 10 against, 6 absent)
• T. Miller, T. Welke motion for Brett Lawrie retribution. Miller:
“In Cali, we don’t take that kinda crap.”
• Vote; motion approved double-unanimously. (160 for, 0 against, 6 absent)
• T. Welke moves to form a subcommittee on Lawrie retaliation:
“Prepare your body for the Asunder Dome. Prepare your heart of obliteration, for de-hope-ificaiton. Im’a get that nerd for good. I’ma call a strike ten feet wide. I’ma throw my mask down and make sure it HITS HIM IN THE LIP. [applause] I’ma get ma boi Culbereth up in the rafters with an arrow in his sling, AN ARROW THAT READS: “BRETT MOTHER[redacted] LAWRIE IS MINE! JUSTICE IS MINE!”
J. West adjourns meeting amid rapturous applause.
Don’t stop reporting the truth, NotGraphs. We need you.
The Canadian Superman now has his Lex Luthor.
Bradley writes for FanGraphs and The Hardball Times. Follow him on Twitter @BradleyWoodrum.