Oh, hello. Didn’t see you there.

Allow me to introduce myself: my name is Carson Cistulli. It’s possible you’ve heard of me, but no problem if you haven’t.

Professionally speaking, I’m an editor at FanGraphs.com, a popular internet baseball site. More relevant to this conversation, however, I’m a member of this country’s aristocratic class — and I’d like to help you become one, too.

I understand you’ve just made $251.5 million. Congratulations. But understand that liquid assets — regardless of their volume — do not an aristocrat make. In fact, the greatest scourge on this country is not the economy nor a woman’s right to do any number of things of her own volition, but rather a terrorist cell known as the Noveau Riche. More on that later, though.

For now, here are five guidelines to help make your transition to the aristocracy an easy one.

Hire a valet, or gentleman’s gentleman.
Preferably of English extraction, although any of the Home Nations will do. This gentleman will make your life bearable, and you’ll wonder how you ever lived in his absence.

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Here’s the cover of Jaci Burton’s Changing the Game:

And here I am, moved to make a noun out of “gorgeous-dangerous.” This books is a gorgeous-dangerous that I wouldn’t mind reading while safely positioned over my parlor fainting couch. Consider these pearls clutched. Consider this bodice ripped. Now consider these selected Amazon reviews of Burton’s gorgeous-dangerous:

– “Like how can you start falling in love with someone when all you do is bang them.” – eestev

– “The sex scenes were incredible and boy of boy, do those Riley boys have stamina…” – Kindle Lover

– “The sex parts were my favorite. I had a very hard time putting this book down. I can’t wait for the next book. I hope it is released soon.” – kitten123

– “One of the best I’ve read this year, and yes, a cold shower is definitely needed after this one.” – Jolie Weber

– “This one will leave you wanting a cold shower!” – Donna

– “Don’t forget to prepare the fan, ladies, because just like the first one this book is going to make you sweat, trust me ;)” – Alaiel Kreuz

– “I felt reading this book came straight out of a porn movie and she just wrote it in words.” – Roo

– “Sex. Sex, sex, sex. Sex.” – Kelly S.

– “I was bored by all the sex – which must be the biggest crime for an author of erotic romance.” – NStort

– “Boundless humping. Shorn, sinewy torsos. Loin-moistener of the week. 8.4 WAD (Wins Above Dirty). Baseball.” – D_CameronY2K

Review copy along with gold bridal hand fan hereby requested!

Dear NotGraphs,

Note: any answer that denies the premise of the question because ballpark food and beer are overpriced will be unhelpful. The first game of the year is a special occasion, and besides, this is a question of Aesthetics.

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When the Chicago Cubs hired Theo Epstein, they unleashed a trade full of others.

“The Other Chris Carpenter” went to Boston and in return, the Cubs got “The Other Bogaerts” — marginal-at-best prospect Jair Bogaerts, the twin brother of the Red Sox top prospect, Xander Bogaerts.

Most likely, this is a first. But in another universe, there were other transactions involving the others:

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If you’re like me, you’ve always secretly wondered what Dan Uggla would look like in a pair of Uggs. Wonder no more, my friends. Wonder no more.

To quote the accomplished Dayn Perry: This has been your Daguerreotype of the Evening.

H/T: NotGraphs reader Andrew for bringing http://danugglawearinguggs.tumblr.com to our attention. The Internet is glorious.

Table of Contents

Dotes for the day after April Fool’s Day:
 
1. Steve Balboni’s Inbox Is Full
2. “McGehee, Hague homer for Pirates in tie with Rays” in Running for Most Boring Headline of Spring
3. NotGraphs Editor Carson Cistulli Breaks All the Rules…
 

Steve Balboni’s Inbox Is Full

Steve Balboni hit a few homeruns that he, himself, had never seen anyone else hit as far. Steve Balboni has played at the highest level and knows what it takes to get there. Steve Balboni has noticed that many young players coming up through the minors have not been taught properly. Steve Balboni can show you how to improve your swing and hit the ball harder. (Looking at you, Dee Gordon.) Steve Balboni is offering a “new” “hitting instruction DVD”.

Maybe that’s why his inbox is full:

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OK, NotMinds, time to start putting all that jealously guarded knowledge to use! Time to start giving back to the community! I’ve ventured into the intellectual hothouse that is Yahoo! Answers, and picked out a modest bouquet of the most urgent, penetrating, or just plain tough baseball-related questions. I’ll trust you all to sort through these and pitch in where you’re most needed.

Dice K is the greatest pitcher to have ever played any sports, and Gagne is the Pippen of Pitching. Agree?

How do you make a Jackie Robinson sculpture?

Will the records of Babe Ruth survive if another cataclysmic event happens like the extinction of the dinosaur?

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No cheating here.

I’ll start you off with the easy ones.

Starting Pitchers:
Wandy Rodriguez
Bud Norris
J.A. Happ

Bullpen:
Brett Myers

Starting Lineup:
Carlos Lee (1B)

That leaves, uh, 20 more players. Let’s do it this way. Remember, no cheating. Leave one name in the comments, a name no one above you has mentioned. And we’ll see how long it takes to get to all 25. And who’s the last one named. (My guess as to the last one named is the guy in the photo.)

As part of our ongoing efforts to destroy that thing known as The American Work Day, NotGraphs presents this coverage of a thing that’s actually happening right now elsewhere on the internet.

Approximately 27 minutes ago, virile American Sam Miller casually introduced the following to an unexpecting public:

Jamie Moyer was alive during the Bush administration. BOTH of them. #LesserJamieMoyerFacts

— Sam Miller (@SamMillerBP) April 2, 2012

What followed could only be described as “a medium-sized to slightly-below-average-sized” tidal wave of other tweets also utilizing the #LesserJamieMoyerFacts hashtag.

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Roused from the stupor and torpor of waking sleep by the lovely and talented Summer Anne’s most recent posting, I have taken it upon myself to reduce the SoftBank Hawks commercial — the glorious SoftBank Hawks commercial — to its finest and most praiseworthy trace elements. Bear humbled witness, as though kneeling before the bones of the holy …

GIFSoup

In this world, it seems I love nothing that doesn’t feed my rankest urges, but I do love you SoftBank Hawks Dog. I do love you. You must know that. You do know that, SoftBank Hawks Dog? You do, yes. I can tell you do.

Save us, won’t you, SoftBank Hawks Dog? It’s just sometimes the crush of existence leaves you …

I won’t take anymore of your time, SoftBank Hawks Dog. I just wanted to say I love you with the desperation of a drowning man.

If you forget us, SoftBank Hawks Dog, then we shall surely vanish.