Archive for April, 2012

Young Cal Ripken, Jr.

Note to acolytes of “Great” Dayn Perry: I do this with Dayn’s blessing, though he may regret that soon enough…

Young Cal Ripken, Jr., at just eleven years old, was already a shortstop for the Baltimore Orioles.
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Ike Davis Is the Punchline to a Steven Wright Joke

Step One: Regard the following, embiggenable image of Mets first baseman and noted Member of the Tribe Ike Davis dressed a cowboy.

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The Twitterboard

What, you ask, allows Mr. Swisher to continue damning the rules with such impunity? Consult the following. Strain to recall the last time one man so thoroughly dominated — no, transcended — his sport. And ask yourself: with an army of 1.5 million at your back, would you feel compelled to return home in the traditional manner?

A Free Thing That’s Like RedZone, But for Baseball

Sometimes readers will ask me — on the present site, on Twitter, on the lawless streets of America — they’ll ask me, “Hey Carson, will you keep me abreast of products that might be of some use to me, as a consumer of base-and-ball?”

To which query I’ll respond: “You want me to keep you a breast of products like that?”

To which they’re like: “Yeah, abreast.”

At which point, I’m like: “A breast?”

And then they’re like: “Yes. Abreast. It’s a real English word, and has nothing to do with the female anatomy, like you’re clearly pretending it does.”

In any case, my answer to the original question is: “Yes, but probably only, like, a month after such a product has been released, because what am I, a machine?”

A thing that fits all of the above criteria was brought to the author’s attention over the weekend in the form of this tweet:

In fact, some cursory research reveals that the operator of the MLB Twitter account is not lying. MLB Full Count (link) is a video service (in collaboration, it seems, with Yahoo) that provides “look-ins” to games in progress — and, it would also seem, highlights of completed games. Also, it’s free.

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The No Homers Club

Courtesy of reader Big Daddy V:

Wikipedia can give you more information about the 1995 episode of The Simpsons that inspired such a thing (“Homer The Great”).

Just to worry Pujols owners and Angels fan a little bit more: through Saturday, there are actually only four players with at least 90 plate appearances and no home runs. Pujols, Daniel Murphy, Rafael Furcal, and Michael Bourn. Have Pujols, Murphy, Furcal and Bourn ever had anything else in common?

GIF: Pablo Sandoval Chia Pet

The undistinguished among us might call what follows “some GIF of a Pablo Sandoval Chia Pet.” The distinguished among us, the boudoir-invaders among us, will instead call it “The Intoxications of Science.” Click. Click twice, it would seem:

During Red Bull breaks, the Framers of the Constitution invented science, and they did so in hopes that one day the Sons of Thunder (i.e., you and I) would be momentarily entertained. And don’t you know that you are?

You have seen this. Now go to Buffalo Wild Wings and father many babies. Name them all “Maximus.”

Not Enough Balls at Your Fingertips?

For the low, low price or $8.99, you TOO can have a keyboard covered in balls — just like the pros!

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Video: Mets Seasonal Affective Disorder

First and foremost: Mental health is no joke. Jose Canseco needs help, man. But this is pretty good:

“Metsoloft: Because being a Mets fan sucks balls.”

H/T: @mighty_flynn

@ThisIsWeird #Gross

If you’re really, really into fat jokes and/or subtle invitations LOL, man do I have some shirts for you!

Is it wrong that I like and use twitter, and even follow baseball players there, and yet find these to be an atrocious sin against the heart of baseball / love / life? If someone could explain myself to me in this regard, I’d appreciate it, because I’m not really sure what I’m so offended by anymore. Brett Lawrie, everyone! Pantalones!

( H/T to Reddit )

Animated Chien-Ming Wang Is in Too Deep

As we know, Chien-Ming Wang, who in better times would be regarded as merely a Dude Trying To Get By, was forced, by the fell and rank schoolmarm forces among us, to apologize for enjoying some harmless, well-intended hubba-hubba with a woman not his wife. As every Premarital Memorandum of Understanding states, sometimes a gentleman must marinade himself in strange ass in order to take his mind off the high-level business transactions that consume him during daylight hours. Thus it was; ergo, thus it should be.

But we’ll leave the decline of Western mores for another day. Instead, I would call the besexed reader’s attention to what follows, which is animated, real-live footage of the dark forces working against Wang and his efforts to share himself with the ladies of America and America-World:


(HT: Eye on Baseball, a place you should visit without ceasing)