Tony Cingrani Is Venn-Dominant

Provocative Cincinnati Reds prospect Tony Cingrani will make his first Major League start on Thursday, and the pant-groins of stat nerds everywhere are dampening.

This past Sunday, on the way to see 42, my incongruously attractive significant other (AKA NotGraphs commenter GoldenJerseySparklePants) and I were discussing the significance of such a debut as Cingrani’s. At one point I muttered, “…Cingrani’s been dominant…” to which she responded, “What’s Venn-Dominant?”

I had started to correct the miscommunication when we simultaneously realized: Tony Cingrani is Venn-Dominant. Like Doc Brown with the Flux Capacitor, an image immediately popped into my head:

Clicking will embiggen.

You see, Tony Cingrani is so dominant in the categories of Strikeouts, Prospect Swagger, and Italian Name Sounds that they orbit around him, move through him. In him, they have melded into a perfect being. Does this sound contradictory? It’s a teleological matter, probably: are the presence of strikeouts, prospect swagger, and Italian names the cause of Tony Cingrani? Did the molecules align just so? Was he designed by a god, a first mover? Or perhaps the Essence of Tony Cingrani always was, and is just now taking a bodily form. I haven’t the fineness of mind to distill this all…

Then, as I do with everything that I want to look much, much better than it is (even when that someone or something is great to beging with), I compared Tony Cingrani to Carson Cistulli:

Clicking will embiggen, but not in the way Mr. Cistulli would like.

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9 years ago

Well, that’s 2 minutes of my life I will never get back. Great content, fangraphs..

9 years ago
Reply to  me

this is not graphs,
amazes me how many people get upset on these bits

9 years ago
Reply to  me

Let’s all just let him figure it out for himself…. It is best for everyone not to anger the child.

9 years ago
Reply to  me

I think the first misstep was spending a piddling two minutes reading such sublime scrivenings of a gifted amanuensis.

9 years ago
Reply to  me

Will you be getting back the time you spent making a comment?

9 years ago
Reply to  me

Yes, it was 2 minutes of your life that, like all minutes of all lives, you will never get back. Such is the nature of time. But that you got to spend these precious moments, each of them dear, using your eyes to see, your mind to process thought, your very fingers to type symbols used to communicate complicated emotions of sarcasm and entitlement to others who you don’t know, but can forge relationships with nonetheless despite being separated not only by space but by time itself, is a wonder.

Think, that the 2 minutes you spent on this article, without any hope of refund, are a different 2 minutes spent by myself. Your 2 minutes were your own to spend, and while this may amount to 1/18408240 of the average lifespan it is still a valuable currency. Could you have spent these 2 minutes doing something more marvelous, more inspired, more true to the very nature that makes us human and binds us to this earthly mortal coil which we shall all one day spread? Perhaps. Perhaps not. But it is, indeed, as you so rightly remind us in a plea for each diem to be carpe’d, 2 minutes you will never get back.

Wise words, me. Wise words.