So You Think You Know Brett Lawrie

You might think you know Toronto Blue Jays third-baseman Brett Lawrie. You might have even read an article or two about him, looked at his stats, drafted him for your fantasy baseball team, or stalked him on Facebook.

But you don’t know Brett Lawrie . . . until you know the following things:

When he was a boy, Brett Lawrie had a fascination with microphones; to this day, the very sight of them makes him giddy. “These little hand-held things make sounds bigger than they really are, or record sounds for safekeeping, for later usage. That’s awesome,” Lawrie said. “Sometimes, journalists get frustrated with me because when they stick a mic in my face all I want to do is talk about its specs, but they want to talk about baseball or some shit. But I can’t help it. Mics are just so cool.”

Brett Lawrie like mics.

Brett Lawrie may be a bully on the field

GRRRRRRNNNNNN

but off the field, he’s an old softy:

Brett Lawrie will babysit in exchange for microphones.

You don’t know Brett Lawrie until you know that Brett Lawrie has a mind diary wherein he keeps his deepest thoughts.

Dear Diary, are we in agreement that Sally Jessy Rafael
is the reason that hipsters wear big ugly glasses?

Brett Lawrie has a reputation as a lush, but you don’t know Brett Lawrie unless you know that Brett prefers O’Douls:

“Oh, haaaaaaiiiiiiii.”

Brett Lawrie coaxes balls into his glove with his winning smile:

“You were just made to be an out, yes you were.”

When Brett Lawrie comes into contact with Gatorade, his skin turns into whipped-cream, but his swagger does not suffer:

“Look at me, I’m beautiful!”

Brett Lawrie longs to be a pinkish eagle:

“Yes, I do believe this is my spiritual form.”

Brett Lawrie, without fail, exits with aplomb.

“Boom. Mic dropped; gettin’ out. Brett Lawrie.
BRETT LAWRIE.”