So, word out of baseball land is that the Astros, like the Indians, Red Sox and Cardinals, have created a private online database that allows members of the baseball operations department to view player videos, prepare scouting reports, look up player histories and learn what really happened to Jimmy Hoffa.
Spoiler Alert: He couldn’t hit the curve.
But while the Indians, with DiamondView, have coined a database name that celebrates the generic, the Red Sox (with Carmine, named for the red in their uniforms), the Cardinals (with Red Bird Dog, named, I guess, for the color of their bird dog) and the Astros (with Ground Control, named for the black-ops government agents who play stickball with the aliens at Area 51) have all created database names that reflect the singular character of the team or its moniker.
Certain to follow, then, are these database names. Am I correct?
Mets: Jim Cramer’s Mad Money Recap
Marlins: Hey, Who Left This Thing On?
Angels: You Know, For The Amount Of Money We Spent On This Database, It Should Really Do More Than Show Us Box Scores From 2002
Giants: Defensive Tendencies Of The Dallas Cowboys
Tigers: For The Last Time, There Aren’t Any Pics Of Kate Upton In Here!
Dodgers: A Magic Johnson Is Really All You Need
Padres: 72 And Sunny!
Blue Jays: This Is A Database, Eh?
Brewers: Handy List Of Prepared Statements For Player X
Indians: 101 Ways To Pronounce “Asdrubal”
Diamondbacks: 2 Cups Water, 1 ¼ Cups Milk, 1 Teaspoon Salt, Half Stick Butter, 1 Cup Quick-Cooking Grits (Not Instant)
A’s: The Beane Codices
Nationals: Nationals Security Apparatus (NSA)
Twins: Fargo Is Actually In North Dakota
White Sox: M. Jordan’s Leftover Scouting Reports
Yankees: Derek Jeter’s Incredibly Large Black Book (Volume IV)
Cubs: G.O.A.T. – Go Out And Tellsomebodythatthisisnotworking
Rays: We Really Can’t Afford A Database
Pirates: Bucs! Stop Here!
Phillies: Daily Affirmations For Ryan Howard (Of The Office)
Reds: Vottomatic For The People
Braves: TBS – The Braves’ … Something
Mariners: Jay Z’s Greatest Hits
Royals: Piece Of Paper Left Sticking Out Of A Selectric II Typewriter
Rockies: We’re So High Right Now
Orioles: Texas Rangers’ Proprietary Database
Rangers: Blinking Cursor
And now, Commentariat of oft-cited Esteem, see if you can do better.*
* Yeah, you can probably do better.
John Paschal is a regular contributor to The Hardball Times and The Hardball Times Baseball Annual.