It’s his. He brought the monkey to the game. I thought it might be his son’s, or maybe his daughter’s, but it isn’t. It’s his. I’m convinced. You can tell by the way he’s holding it. And you can’t tell me otherwise. Hell, he might watch Rangers games on television at home much the same way: mouth agape, baseball glove at the ready, Texas Rangers stuffed monkey held tight to his chest.

Don’t get me wrong: I’m not here to judge him. I don’t know him. Maybe he went to game(s) four and/or five of last year’s World Series in Arlington without his Rangers monkey. Maybe he thought about taking the monkey, agonized over the decision, but ended up leaving it at home. Maybe, sans monkey, he watched Texas fall to San Francisco. Read the rest of this entry »

Tony La Russa’s Monday press conference seems to have caused further confusion about his use of pitchers during Game 5 of this 2011 World Series. I thought I should try to parse La Russa’s explanation, so I used Yahoo’s Babelfish tool to translate Tony into German and then back again to English. I think this sheds more light on his true intentions. Questions are in their original tongue, punctuation was edited for clarity.

Q: Could you take us through the thought process leaving Rzepczynski to pitch to Napoli?

La Russa: Well which happened, was that twice the region didn’t hear Motte’s name. They heard Rzepczynski’s and it didn’t receive moth (as both loose received should). I looked and moth wasn’t there above going. Thus I demanded back moth and her rose Lynn. That’s why it wasn’t me today throw been supposed wasn’t in such a way, which goes letting it throw, this Schlagmann. It straight threw the preheating and went it and to moth was ready. I don’t know, if it were loud, probably material loud. It straight didn’t hear second time. They heard “Rzepczynski” and it didn’t hear “Motte” and as I back designated, said I “Moth,” they heard “Lynn.” Thus I went there, wrong chap out. He’s, which does not go throwing today. I said, “If you decrease/go back, keep ready” to moth. We’ll way the chap because I don’t wish Lynn — it is not to throw. I didn’t would like to injure it. And then moth came in. That’s why — it must be loud. I give credit note to the fans.

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 That’s right, Colby Preston Lewis, star of the hit Japanese baseball cartoon comedy/porn Who’s on First.

On to Tatts!

Here is my favorite tattoo:

It’s the famous Drunken-Double-Flamingo-In-Sunglasses-Flanking-Generic-Hawai’ian-Sunset neck tatt! It is my favorite tattoo because it is so far removed from any practical or even meaningfully expressive purposes. It was acquired in irony, almost assuredly while inebriated, and probably regretted to the point of deep depression immediately upon sobering. Then again, maybe its bearer is such a deeply ironic (or vapid) individual that he has no regrets. It is hard to tell. Perhaps he loves turtlenecks, and will relish an opportunity to wear them to all job interviews, family outings, and first dates for the rest of his days. More power to him. I mean, if a highly privileged, secular Westerner is going to get a tattoo, why should he not pile on the frivolity?

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The alert reader will suspect as much already — but I’ll state it here for posterity’s sake (and also for the sake of the less alert reader) — that internet personality and real-live baby daddy The Common Man will be contributing to these pages now.

While, for contractual reasons, we’re unable to reveal his true identity, we are allowed to say that he’s at least one of the people in this photo:

When a meme beckons, we are powerless to resist its mandate.

So Tony La Russa seizes the horn during the most fraught moments of Game 5 …

And …

As any good baseball man knows, “Motte” sounds a lot like “Lynn” to a screaming Englishman in the echo-y confines of the stink lodge.

I believe we may have a meme on our hands.

First, Tony La Russa called a dog, who was very quick to note that he is, indeed, a dog.

Yo, dog. Thanks, dog.

Then, Tony La Russa was apparently having problems with his credit card company, and the customer service wasn’t very helpful (hat tip: Kyle Kaestner on Twitter):

Peggy doesn’t tend to be very helpful, whether it’s customer service or getting the right reliever warming.

Neither Peggy nor the dog helped get Jason Motte warming, but given the persistence of Tony La Russa, one can’t imagine he gave up there. So I leave it to you, NotGraphs readers. Who else did Tony La Russa call?

Good morning, Internet denizens.  Be aware that you will find within the words of this post two pictures.  One of the subjects of said pictures is an 80 year old man who has managed the Chicago Cubs to within a fortnight of the World Series, been touched roughly by the divine hands of Pedro Martinez, and finished exactly two hits shy of the 775 he needed to take up permanent residence in the hall of fame of our hearts.  The other is a little freeloader, who, as of two weeks hence, has taken up residence in my house without paying rent, wreaked havoc with my sleep patterns, peed on my bed, and couldn’t be bothered to use her words.  Can you guess which is the baby and which is the Zim-baby?

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Tampa Bay Rays catcher and celebrated mustachioed gentle-man, John Jaso, was apparently on a mountain sometime recently.

Baseball and Internet’s friend and associate, Fernando Perez, shared this enormous photo, made annoyingly small for the viewer’s convenience:

I once coined the term Mountain Mantality — an all-too-obvious combination of mountain man and the mentality therein — to help explain to my wife how my pants endure months on end without needing a wash and how peeing on a campfire is a rite of passage.

I feel like John Jaso, here pictured, helps embody that rugged out-of-doorsiness, and for that reason, should today be celebrated.

It turns out that your Daguerreotype of the Evening fits in nicely with one of the most cherished and august of NotGraphs categories. Please regard …

As you can see, this delicious baked good features Rangers frowning supreme exchequer Nolan Ryan in his younger, less jowly days. He is behorsed. He is cocksure. He twice walked more than 200 batters in a season.

The Appreciator will also appreciate that there are plastic horses on the cake. This is a flourish that can rightly be called “delightful.” There are also healthy examples of high-plains flora on the cake. This is flourish that can rightly be called “verisimilitudinous.”