Watch and listen as Harry Caray (né Carabina), much like a male lion of the African savanna, chases English down, pins it beneath his ample frame, and makes quick, purposeful love to it.
Also like a male lion of the African savanna, Harry Caray is drunk.
Yu Darvish, like most Great Men of History, is going through a healthful and replenishing divorce. The soon-to-be discarded is a young thespian named Saeko:
As you can see, Saeko, whose name, one assumes, is a homophone to the brand identity of those stylish and durable wrist timepieces, is rather very lovely and possibly even talented. But loveliness cannot overcome a gentleman’s introduction to the world! As Jeff Passan reminds us, Mr. Darvish, insofar as this relationship is concerned, set the proper tone and established the relevant harbingers back in 2007:
Following a victory last season, Yu Darvish, the winning pitcher for the Hokkaido Nippon Ham Fighters, stood in front of a microphone inside a packed stadium, thanked his teammates and fans for their support, and announced that he had knocked up an actress who he met three months earlier and would marry her to preserve his family’s name.
For too long, we have regarded premarital liturgies as things to woo and reassure. As Mr. Darvish reminds us, they are and should have always been a means to forewarn, harrow and ideally ruin the better, deadlier and more treacherous half.
So, married NotGraphs readers, please go and tell your wives you are leaving forever.
(Shotgun Hat Tip: BTF)
The Kansas City Royals are making some changes to their uniforms this upcoming season. You can read about them all here, but there is one change which particularly interests me:
Changes to the alternate home “powder blue” uniforms:
• Jersey will feature a new bolder powder blue color that better represents the original powder blue color of our historic past.
I don’t know about you guys, but I don’t know how much bolder powder blue can get, then, well, powder blue. Honestly, I don’t know if the world can take much more bold than this.
Maybe it’s something like this:
Powder Blue
Powder Blue
Whatever it is, the Royals brass should be careful. Too bold of a powder blue could have an utterly disastrous effect on the Kansas City area, much less the world.
Our sources have released yet-seen footage of the Jonathan Papelbon negotiations with the Philadelphia Phillies GM, Ruben Amaro Jr. It cost many lives to retrieve this information:
Many thanks for the share belong to reader M. Santaspirt — no, that’s too obvious — Matthew S.
That cheering you heard yesterday afternoon was my enthusiastic endorsement of the offer that was bringing one James Tiberius Patrick Quirk from Houston to become the bench coach for the Chicago Cubs. What follows is a non-exhaustive and only partially untrue list of facts regarding Jamie Quirk, which should give you great joy:
1) Jamie Quirk was drafted in the first round of the 1972 draft by the Kansas City Royals, a full 35 spots before Gary Carter. Then again, Jamie Quirk was drafted as a shortstop.
2) Jamie Quirk once high-fived Steve Balboni and the resulting explosion killed 4/5 of Kansas City’s population, turning it into a small market city.
3) Jamie Quirk is 6’4″ tall, and is tied for the 5th tallest player to catch more than 500 games.
4) Jamie Quirk never caught a game as a professional baseball player until he was 24 years old, and had already been in the Major Leagues for four seasons. He ended up playing roughly five times as many games there as any other position.
5) Jamie Quirk is his own wingman.
6) Jamie Quirk played for eighteen seasons, and was worth more than one win above replacement in exactly two of them.
7) Jamie Quirk sired many beautiful babies all across this great land, but mostly during a five-game series in Montreal in 1983. That the Expos moved to Washington in 2003 is the only reason he’s agreed to return to coach in the National League.
8) Until Carlos Quentin came along, Jamie Quirk was the all time leader in home runs by a person whose name started with the letter Q. Do with that information what you will.
9) Jamie Quirk ate chicken and drank beer in the clubhouse all the time, and no one cared. It’s not like they were going to put him in the game.
10) Jamie Quirk was allowed exactly one at bat with the Cleveland Indians franchise. In that at bat, he hit a walk-off homerun off of the bespectacled and mustachioed Ron Davis. Afraid that Quirk might prove to be too great a competitive advantage, the Indians released him after the season.
11) Jamie Quirk was traded to the Brewers after 1976 with two other players for Darrell Porter, who lasted four years with the Royals and fetched a compensation pick for the club when he left as a free agent after 1980. The Royals used that pick on Mark Gubicza, who was eventually traded for one year of Chili Davis. The Royals got 65.6 WAR out of that deal over the next twenty-one seasons AND re-signed Jamie Quirk to his second of three stints as a Royal when he became a Free Agent after the season.
12) Jamie Quirk played from when he was 20 years old to when he was 37. Eighteen seasons. In which he played in an average of less than 54 games played per season. I wish I was a backup catcher. God bless you, Jamie Quirk. You’re living the dream for all of us.
Recently, abiding reader jcxy floated a Sketchy Internet Rumor of a Rich Garces bobble-belly. Needless to say, upon hearing said rumor the NotGraphs Investigative Reporting Investigation Team sprung to handsome action. After 12 or so tense seconds of Computer Googling, “Sketchy Internet Rumor” became “Internet True Fact.” Bear fat witness:
This has been two things: the last time I doubt anything on the Internet and your Daguerreotype of the Evening.
Actor Jon Hamm is both (a) classically handsome and (b) if not expressly funny himself, at least a talented comic straight man. Which is to say, reader, that there are two reasons why I, personally, would derive some satisfaction from kicking Jon Hamm right in his stupid, handsome shins.
In a perfect world, Hamm would grow a third shin somehow, too, so I could kick him in that for narrating the dumb Cardinals World Series video, which will probably be so dumb that it’ll make everyone really dumb.
In conclusion, this guy:
Hi. Welcome to MLBistro, where the flavors are as big as Don Mossi’s ears. We hope you find something you like!
Rick Portacello Mushroom Sliders $9
Veggie option getting a crack at our permanent menu for the first time.
Carlos JalaPeña Poppers (15) $7
Often, you’ll miss your mouth completely when you try to eat these delicious goat-cheese-stuffed and deep-fried peppers, but when they connect, they connect with big flavor. For the price, we think it’s worth a couple of swings and misses.
Cheese Cheese Sabathia $13
Selection of artisanal cheeses from Wisconsin, Ohio, and New York. We coat each cheese in cream cheese and top it off with a lovably crooked ball cap made of cocoa frosting.
Miguel Olivo Tapenade $10
Thick crostini, roasted capers.
The Prince Fielder $32
All of the above.
The David Wells $37
The Prince Fielder, beer battered and deep-fried. Served as a misshapen brick.
The Rod Beck $55
The David Wells, served with a six-pack of Old Style cans and a “bump.”
Every real baseball fan has a well-tuned internal clock that tells them exactly when Major League Baseball is set to begin another season. We all know that early January itch. After being distracted by the winter holidays, we start to yearn for the first sign of a pitcher or a catcher. And then, in the dead of winter, just when you’ve gotten that itch, time seems to stop.
Still, we know we will be rewarded for our patience and the end of February will finally arrive.
With all that said, though, despite knowing full well when baseball is scheduled to return, how many times will you go to the simple yet useful website isitspringtrainingyet.com and press “refresh” hoping, praying, that the next time it loads it will say something different?
53. I’ve done it 53 times.
—
Thank you to NotGraphs reader Dave Yeager who created this website and sent it along to us, with this note:
A couple years ago my buddy Dan kept bothering me during work about whether or not it was spring training yet as we pined for baseball. In the interest of getting him to leave me alone I created this helpful website for him.
Perhaps it can help you as well.
Indeed, Dave.
Young Curtis Granderson’s mustache has been described as “effortful.”
While others see in Young Curtis Granderson’s choice of collars faint hints of militarism or marchingbandism, Young Curtis Granderson wears this particular shirt because the menswear at Chess King is both affordable and stylish.
The chain around Young Curtis Granderson’s neck is not a fashion accoutrement; it is there in case Young Curtis Granderson wins a medal. Most likely this medal would be awarded for triumph in competitive pursuits known variously as “AP calculus” or “kissing” or “sports” or “life in general.”
Underneath Young Curtis Granderson’s shirt there is another chain, one choker-length in design and execution and one you cannot see. It is there because Young Curtis Granderson’s mighty heart needs a friend.
Young Curtis Granderson finds it difficult to listen to New Jack Swing because Young Curtis Granderson is New Jack Swing.
Young Curtis Granderson smiles not to ingratiate; Young Curtis Granderson smiles because Young Curtis Granderson is Young Curtis Granderson, which makes for happiness.
Sometimes, Young Curtis Granderson daydreams of having a catch with Jean-Jacques Rousseau or Tevin Campbell.
To Young Curtis Granderson, the future is a consenting adult. Young Curtis Granderson will first buy the future a nice dinner.
(HT: Snakkle and Todd’s championship Twitter feed)
