Because not all men are Dayn Perry, the world is less drunk beautiful than it could be.

Because I am not Dayn Perry, I could not post about the Miami Marlins theme song that is not the Miami Marlins’ theme song fast enough. (Hat tip to NotGraphs reader Jackson, nonetheless.) So now, I have to ride Mr. Perry’s coattails.

If, after reading Dayn’s post and consuming the aforementioned tuneage, you neglected to explore the array of similar videos suggested by YouTube, you missed some gems.

One such video, presumably directed by Michael Bay and produced by Daktronics Creative Services “to help unveil the new logo for the Miami Marlins . . . played at the first ever event at [the Marlins’] new stadium on November 11, 2011. It was a special event for the media, city and county officials as VIPs of the team introduced the stadium, the new logo, the name change and the look of their new uniforms.”

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This, sorta in the words of Montell Jordan, is how you do it — where “do it” is synonymous with “get into Jonathan Broxton’s pants.”

Tim Collins and me…in Jonathan Broxton’s pants! twitter.com/teaparty61/sta…

— Everett Teaford (@teaparty61) March 15, 2012

The highest of fives to Mike Axisa.

— But, you will say, every moment in naked baseball is a great moment in naked baseball. And to that I say, Quite so. Should that prohibit us from enumerating them and celebrating their greatness? Well then. There are so, so many places we might start. But the best place, I propose, in keeping with our dedication to the Picture and its ever-increasing exchange rate with the Word, is that place at which naked baseball was first photographically documented: at which its joys, theretofore private and ephemeral, were first entrusted to posterity.

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While, as Mike Axisa noted yesterday in these pages, most of Team FanGraphs has returned from its annual pilgrimage to the American Desert, such is not the case for our masculine and dangerous founder, David Appelman. Instead, Appelman has — in the tradition of some Native American tribes and also ASU freshmen — has embarked upon a vision quest in the lands surrounding Phoenix.

For obvious reasons, it’s impossible to remain in contact with Appelman as he traverses the parched landscape, naked but for blue jeans and a developing taste for coyote meat. However, evidence of his hallucinogenic walkabout arrived by mail yesterday and has been embedded in this post for the reader’s consideration.

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Hey NotGraphs,

Thank you,
GW

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The Internetting Gentleman may have encountered tawdry hearsay that the Miami Marlins, denizens of the Sunshine State, where everything — save for the weather, people, housing market, and milieu — is great, recently dropped a new theme song like something that is on the verge of scalding the very hands that bear it. Recognize:

But then the story, like an indolently raveled thing, began unraveling. The Marlins did not, in point of fact, grant their imprimatur to such a malodorous tune! Jeffrey Loria is a professional aesthete, so how, pray tell, would he green-light such an Up-With-Peopled mess?

Here’s how: the world is shit, and yet it manages to spin. This may not be the Marlins’ theme song, but, for me and mine — so all of us, really — this is the Marlins’ theme song.

In the Sunshine State, it turns out, everything is mothertrucking great.

A couple years ago, I stumbled upon a set of negatives from one of my dad’s boxes full of them. He was a photojournalist and newspaperman in the early 1980s and while I was looking mostly for photos of our family, this one caught my eye. It was labeled “Astros/Cardinals 1980 ‘dome.” Some sleuthing revealed it to be this game, the second in a doubleheader between the Astros and the Cards (who will play presumably their last regular rivalry games this year, the Astros final in the National League). This Astros team, featuring Art Howe, Joe Morgan, Jose Cruz, Cesar Cedeno, and Luis Pujols, must have been a fun one to watch (these were taken two years before I was born; my brother was six months old). Here are a few of my favorites from the roll. As per usual, you can click to embiggen. All photos by my dad, Bill Burton, awesome person extraordinaire in more ways than 100:

Truth: this photo makes me all lump-throated.

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David Appelman’s feet at any given moment.

This past weekend I had the pleasure of spending three days and two nights in the American desert with, like, 17 fellow FanGraphs writers. You learn a lot about people when you’re forced to share rooms with them, squeeze each other into a Ford Taurus, and watch Yoenis Cespedes profess his love for Castro by launching bombs into orbit together. The dignity-less Dayn Perry already told you everything you need to know about our dark overlord David Appelman, but here’s some amazing (and mostly true) facts about the rest of the staff…

Dave Cameron — Totally not above bringing up the whole cancer thing to get people to agree with him during an argument.

Michael Barr — Currently taking a break from his lucrative career as a Calvin Klein model to write about baseball.

Dayn Perry — Incapable of feeling shame, Dayn is eagerly awaiting the next time his wife says “I suppose we could.”

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Can we learn anything from the mysterious ways of the universe?

Probably not.

But here are some anagrams of the names of a few of baseball’s top prospects that may be able to give us some insight into their future success or failure:

James Paxton, P, Mariners: Met, Sox, Japan

Randall Delgado, P, Braves: A Gnarled Old Lad

Julio Teheran, P, Braves: Injure To Heal

Devin Mesoraco, C, Reds: Manic Overdose

Jedd Gyorko, 3B, Padres: Joky Dodger

Yasmani Grandal, C, Padres: A Damning Salary

Jake Odorizzi, P, Royals: Rookie I’d Jazz

Xander Bogaerts, SS, Red Sox: A Sandbox Regret

(Thanks, Internet Anagram Server)

Ralph Kiner on Casey Stengel

Baseballing great Ralph Kiner, as he does sometimes, joined the Mets television broadcast team yesterday for the club’s spring-training game against St. Louis.

During the bottom of third inning, the conversation turned to the 1961 1962 expansion Mets, for which Kiner was an announcer. Kiner shared a couple of anecdotes regarding that team’s manager, Casey Stengel — and, in particular, Stengel’s opinions on when a baseballer should and shouldn’t do his drinking.

Enjoy said wisdom in its rough, uncut version via the the audio player above.