Just as a refresher on the rules, in the annual NotDraft — now in its 1st consecutive year — amateur players are selected not on the basis of their talent, but on the basis of their nickname potential.

1. J.B. “Buck-Buck” Bukauskas | Stone Bridge HS (Va.), Senior | RHP

2. Taylor “Top 40” Sparks | UC Irvine, Junior | 3B

3. Cy “Sneedclone” Sneed | Dallas Baptist, Junior | RHP

4. Braxton “Law Firm” Davidson | T.C. Roberson HS (N.C.), Senior | OF

5. Bryce “Mountains of Geese” Montes de Oca | Lawrence HS (Kan.), Senior | RHP

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The author of this post is currently the sort of person scheduled to pass the next week in the Puglia region of Italy. He’s also the sort of person who has purchased a small Italian phrasebook, on account of that language (i.e. Italian) is utilized pretty extensively throughout the country.

A section of said phrasebook that’ll most likely serve no use for this particular Roman vacation is the one which contains a collection of colloquial expressions — many of them both (a) involving the interlocutor’s mother and also (b) best uttered in anger.

“What if, though,” the author has wondered, “what if I continued my nearly five-year streak being not fired from FanGraphs by parlaying this collection of Italian insults into a post at that same site’s absurd cousin — perhaps by attaching them (i.e. the insults) to baseball’s best player whose surname is also recognizably a product of that bel paese and thus creating a meme almost in full?”

What follows is the result of that long-winded personal query.

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From Michael Wray at Jays Journal:

Thanks to a poor lifestyle decision when it was announced on Friday night that Marcus Stroman had been called up by the Toronto Blue Jays and would start on Saturday I was hugging my bathroom’s toilet bowl. By the time I came to my senses, Stroman was already into his fifth inning of work and I had missed what sounded like a spectacular start.

Because we don’t skimp on research here at NotGraphs, let’s figure out exactly how long Michael Wray was on the toilet. Shi Davidi from Sportsnet tweets about Stroman’s recall at 12:38 AM Saturday morning:

#BlueJays lose second in a row as they recall Marcus Stroman to join rotation: http://t.co/MWShQDEOAW

— Shi Davidi (@ShiDavidi) May 31, 2014

The Blue Jays gameday feed seems to indicate that the fifth inning ended at 2:25 PM:

Five Ks through innings of one-run ball for Stroman. He's at 58 pitches.

— Blue Jays Gameday (@TORGameday) May 31, 2014

Wray claims to have recovered sometime during that inning… so let’s approximate and say 2:15.

That puts him on the toilet for at least 13 hours and 37 minutes. I don’t know if it’s Guinness Book worthy… but, nice work, Michael Wray.

As a loyal reader of NotGraphs – and by the way, thank you for that; turns out, the answer to the question as to how many boats a man can ski behind is six! – you might’ve noticed a peculiar penchant among NotGraphs writers, at least when we aren’t slaloming behind our sextet of Super Air Nautiques.

Namely, we like to name things.

We have named stadiums, teams, even men.

We have matched nicknames to players, and players to nicknames.

Now it’s time to name, or rename, the game’s most basic component: positions.

Traditional name: catcher
Duty: catching.
Other duties: squatting; wearing cup; checking cup; rechecking cup; re-rechecking cup; being interchangeable; “calling a good game;” blocking balls in dirt; being a “field general;” sweating; hitting .226; throwing out “would-be base stealers;” getting designated for assignment; “getting called up;” not blocking plate; acting solicitous toward umpire, i.e., complimenting him on his strike zone and his mouthwash; placing mask under armpit after victory and walking toward center field while saying things to pitcher that television viewers attempt to lip-read
New name: Squatmaster, Lord of the Groin
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Here’s drawings of some of the vendors at Foro Sol, the home of Diablos Rojos del México, my local team.

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As a four-times-a-week NotGraphs writer, sometimes it is hard to find new things to write about. And sometimes posts so magical, so incredible, so absolutely must-post-able just fall into your lap when you’re barely even looking. Sure, I was browsing on Amazon, looking at the pages for some recently-released baseball books, wondering whether Jerry Reuss or Jason Grilli will sell more copies of their respective books… when I came across this review of Jason Kendall’s new book, “Throwback.”

I am just going to present this review, in its entirely, because this, fine readers, is the reason the Internet exists:

Yes, this review was helpful to me. Yes, yes, yes, fifty thousand times yes!

In the current state of baseball, where tiny little NSA cameras are tracking every player’s move and GMs do deals exclusively via business sexts, a player must make sure they are well represented in the online community. Anybody who is anybody has an out-of-date webpage promoting their charity, an Instagram account for posting dark and blurry pictures of steaks, and a Twitter page that shares bullshit phrases falsely attributed to famous people. This is imperative. A player’s to-do list for the day includes calisthenics, a sensible meal, and stepping up their social media game to the fullest. Can’t stop, won’t stop.

This is the case for Jonathan Singleton. His MLB career is one day old, but he already has a major league home run under his belt. That’s one home run wasted without a signature home run hashtag. His teammate George Springer has the almost coital #SpringerDinger moniker to denote his home runs. It is time to create another.

The Astros fans/writers I commiserate with on Twitter have some ideas, but since at least 12% of NotGraphs readers are creative, I figured it would be a good idea to ask the filthy masses. Do your best. Make daddy proud.

[polldaddy poll=8100208]

She’s far from perfect.
Old now, but home. All we’ve got.
Happy birthday, babe.

This has been a NotGraphs Haiku, inspired by the cold and unflinching hands of death, which is coming for us all, even the SkyDome.

GIF credit: The Internet.

“Pretty happy with myself,” is how Marlins GM Dan Jennings reacted to the move.

MIAMI — Just two days after trading the 39th-overall pick in the upcoming draft to the Pittsburgh Pirates for replacement-level reliever Bryan Morris, the Miami Marlins appear to have traded their other Competitive Balance selection — in this case, the 36th-overall pick — for whatever coins or other solid matter is currently trapped within the couch of this guy named Steve.

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In base-ball circles, Yankees backstop Brian McCann is known as being a man of substantial left-handed pop, superb defensive chops and a polo-ist’s sense of propriety. He is also — as we have previously explored in this very electric newspaper — prone to strobe-lit glimpses of the yawning void that lies beyond.

Know that it — and “it” is the unnameable thing that harrows Mr. McCann down to his primordial essence — has happened again …

Brian McCann knows what awaits us all. Such burdens are enough to buckle a thousand Frodos.