Introduction

While attending a baseball game on Monday, July 23 at the local baseball stadium in Seattle, Washington, the researcher (heretofore referred to as “the researcher”, or “I”) made the acute observation that other people were going to said baseball game. It was also observed that the researcher’s friend was quite late, and that he had the tickets. This unforeseen wealth of time and opportunity led to a scientific survey asking the question: what jerseys were other people wearing?

Methodology

Observations were made by standing at the corner of Occidental Avenue and Royal Brougham, across the street from the left field park entrance and next to a rather tired-looking scalper who clearly had difficulty determining what I was doing on his turf. The street corner was chosen in order to make observations based on south and eastbound traffic into the stadium, and reduce double-counting. For the purposes of this survey, any torso covering that sported a name or number was treated as a jersey, including T-shirt jerseys. Observations took place between 4:45pm and 6:05pm, at which time the researcher decided he’d had enough and went to get a cheap beer.

Analysis

Figures 1 and 2 show the results of the survey, providing a histogram for both Mariners and Yankees jerseys. Figure 2 is further broken down into two categories: those that had the player’s name on the back, and those that did not. “Personalized” categorizes those jerseys that had the fan’s own name on the back, or some nickname he wished other people would address him by, but who probably do not.

Read the rest of this entry »

Dan and cousin Claes.

Who among us has not admired the blood coursing in Dan Uggla’s redoubtable forearms? And who among us has not conjectured, perhaps aloud to our significant other, that such blood can only be noble blood? Conjecture no more, friends. The late Mr. W. A. Reitwiesner has bravely scoured Dan’s roots and linked him to a veritable Valhalla of proud Scandinavians, whose very names drip with elegance and valor: Emerentia Stake! Polykarpus Crumbugel! Hebbla Standorph! Let us not forget that great fellow bearer of the family crest (and, it must be said, the family forearms), that unforgettable martyr of the Battle of Oland, Admiral Claes Uggla; and, too, let us pay proper homage to that incomparable sixth-great-grandfather, the illustrious Axel Roos, whose heroic band of dragoons* saved their king’s life no less than thrice at the Skirmish of Bender.

So just remember this, you griping Braves fans and grumbling fantasy owners, when next you find yourselves doubting your second baseman: remember all the hope, the trust, the crushing legacy, that rides on those chiseled shoulders.

* Who dubbed themselves, as historical documents attest, “Gunns und Rooses.”

There are 25 words to find. I’m not telling you what they are. Find them.

U Y S S E R O L F W G H N E D
V N O S K C A J N R A O C S H
D N Z B L F I A U R E G K R C
R A N E T A N B P L S F E O K
A L S N L N S E Q Z P L S M C
P E K O A A R O D R I G U E Z
P Z S L R M Z R B W N D N L I
I R V T U E R N T Q O B E A M
L O S G V R D E O Q S T M R M
C G F K H O D N M G A D M O E
A I Z Z O D R A B M O L A C R
A N I D A N R E B Q I S T H M
P M A T T H E U S W B Z S E A
D E S M O N D T T E N R U B N
E R O O M S T O R E N E R X S

It has never been the case, nor will it ever be — so far as NotGraphs is concerned — that the reader’s wish is the present author’s command. Having been introduced even in the most cursory of ways to the sordid interior lives of this site’s readership, it is patently obvious that to put my wellbeing in the hands of such a group of psychological ruffians would be an exercise in folly.

This bit of common sense having been established, I’ll hasten to add that, as a reasonable gentleman, I’m more than willing to entertain reasonable requests — like this reasonable internet request, courtesy a man whose middle name appears literally to be Funk, for a GIF of Adrian Beltre mostly sliding, kinda, into second base on a double during the fourth inning of the Rangers’ 2-1 loss to Boston on Tuesday night (box).

Read the rest of this entry »

1. The best folk singer of my generation, Dan Bern, has released an 18-track album of baseball songs entitled “Doubleheader.” It is now available to preview and buy. His songs are about listening to Vin Scully on the road, Mickey Mantle’s tragic injuries, Jackie Robinson, Pete Rose and Bart Giamatti, Merkle’s boner, Gallarraga’s perfect game, and my personal favorite at the moment, the very straightforwardly-titled “The Year-By-Year Home Runs Totals of Barry Bonds.” The songs are loving and empathetic, and they are without pomp, circumstance, or cynicism.

2. Ben Gibbard of Death Cab For Cutie and The Postal Service has released a song he wrote several years ago for Ichiro Suzuki. The song was obviously written long before Ichiro started declining or was traded to the New York Yankees and it is an unabashed love song. The chorus goes “go go go go Ichiro!” and that part will probably be stuck in your head for a few days. It all sounds like a Beach Boys song if Brian Wilson was a hardcore lifetime Mariners fan singing about Ichiro Suzuki and breaking your heart when he mentions Dave Niehaus.

For the lay fan, the circumstances surrounding the Ryan Dempster trade (or lack thereof) to Atlanta are what might be called “murky at best.”

For Bob Uecker, however, everything is illuminated — and, just as one wouldn’t hide a light under a bushel, it would be the very picture of absurdity for the author not to share with the readership Bob Uecker’s (and, it should be noted, Joe Block’s) totally accurate and non-fictional report on the trade in question.

Read the rest of this entry »

Watching Cash Cab last night, I learned that in Australia they call tater tots “potato gems.” Which caused me to visit this site, featuring an alphabetized list of Aussie slang terms. There, I learned that “budgie smugglers” means “men’s bathing costume” (“budgie” is slang for “bird”, so, you know), among other things.

Because all roads (in my life, anyway) lead to NotGraphs, the only logical use of this information that I could think of was to compile (read: totally fabricate) the following short list of Aussie baseball slang. Feel free to add your own in the comments.

Read the rest of this entry »

Twins catcher Ryan Doumit can’t catch a break. He gets hit by a pitch, and on the way to take the base he earned through his discomfort, he almost gets uprooted by the batboy.

This was obviously some sort of attempt on Doumit’s life. Even the shortest of glances would reveal that this thug is no boy. FanGraphs lists Doumit at 6’1”, making this bat-adult at least 6’3”.  This “batboy” is clearly a trained assassin, and if it weren’t for some wet grass, he would’ve used what I can only assume to be poison-laced spikes to inject a neurotoxin into Doumit’s leg, causing sudden paralysis and cardiac arrest. If not for the incompetent grounds crew at U.S. Cellular Field, this Ty Cobb of hired killers would have collected his bounty and retired to a village in – let’s say – Argentina.

Doumit, seemingly aware of the bounty on his head, simply shrugs off this event. This isn’t the first time he’s had a brush with death, and it wouldn’t be the last. His old boss Johnny Three Eyes obviously wasn’t going to stop until one of them was dead. Doumit gives the guerilla an attaboy pat on the behind in recognition of his efforts. It can’t be that easy to infiltrate a major-league ballpark, after all.

Doumit finishes his stroll to first, his mind concocting his next move. Christ, he hadn’t had this much heat on him since he botched that numbers job in Monaco.

Sick homestand boys!!! Let’s take this act on the road!! @davidortiz stay fair!!!

— Mike Aviles(@Themikeaviles) June 27, 2012

Took the kids to the aquarium earlier today and daddy and the girls had a blast!! #lovemydolls

— Mike Aviles(@Themikeaviles) July 18, 2012

Taking the Bart to the Coliseum is something I always look forward to, I dunno why but I love it!!!

— Mike Aviles(@Themikeaviles) July 2, 2012

Thunderstorms are relaxing, I think!! What does is make you feel like??

— Mike Aviles(@Themikeaviles) June 25, 2012

This weather is never any fun!!! #pleasegoaway

— Mike Aviles(@Themikeaviles) June 4, 2012

Just a look at some mountains from the plane, sorry I don’t know which ones!!! twitter.com/Themikeaviles/…

— Mike Aviles(@Themikeaviles) June 28, 2012

How hard is it to get a cab in Seattle!!! Haha

— Mike Aviles(@Themikeaviles) June 28, 2012

Mike Aviles seems like a very happy guy!! I like him!!!

Host of ESPN’s Around the Horn Tony Reali has — probably against his better judgment — made it known that he’s a reader of FanGraphs. In the following audio clip, sporting-type writers Michael Smith and Bomani Jones betray their own respective interests in the sort of advanced analysis provided by this site.

A person who doesn’t do that sort of thing is frequent Around the Horn guest, and columnist for The Denver Post, Woody Paige. Not only doesn’t Woody Paige read FanGraphs, he also doesn’t read our very secret sister site SandGraphs that’s totally secret.

Read the rest of this entry »