Clickbait headlines usually say something to the effect of “You won’t believe what happens next!” This headline, my headline, commands you to believe what happened on Monday. Chelsea Baker, high school pitcher, knuckled into the Rays batting practice:

Yes. She is a 17-year-old throwing batting practice, making All-Star Hitters look silly. I would say 17-year-old me is jealous, but 27-year-old me — as well as all my other outside-of-time iterations — are even more jealous.

Yesterday the Democrats prevailed over the Republicans, 15-6, in the annual Congressional Baseball Game. Here at the NotGraphs History Desk, in a comedic gambit best described as “desperate,” we were inspired to take a look back at some of the most memorable moments from CBG’s over the years.

1850: In a contest which pitted Democrats against the upstart Whigs, lanky southpaw Henry Clay soon proved so dominant that Democrat fans began leaving the ballpark in droves. In an impromptu and unprecedented move, the managers for the two sides put their heads together and came up with a solution: instead of needing just one strike for an out, Clay would be forced to record three. The Whigs won anyway, in a thrilling 9-8 walkoff, but the successful rule change would go down in history as the “Compromise of 1850.”

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Mr. President? We have Dave Cameron on the line.

“Mr. Cameron. How are we today?”

“Good morning, Mr. President. I’m fine, sir. Thanks for asking.” Read the rest of this entry »

“I bet there’s something good on TV. Maybe if I make enough noise during this so-called nap, my daddy will get me out of the crib, take me into the living room, and turn on the television to watch a baseball game thinking my eyes are closed and I can’t see it.”

“Looking at the wall is really interesting. I can’t imagine anything would be more interesting, including the second no-hitter against the Padres thrown by Tim Lincecum.”

“Tim… hmmmm… I wonder if he’s related to my stuffed monkey, Thelonious, since both of their names start with that shape with the one up-and-down line and then the other side-to-side line on top of it. I also wonder why mommy and daddy named my monkey Thelonious even though they don’t really listen to any jazz music. I wonder if I’d like jazz. I think I would.”

“This is weird for a west coast baseball game to start in the evening, before I get ready for bed. West coast baseball games usually start so early in the morning, before I’ve even woken up for my first of three feeds while it’s still dark outside. What? You call 10pm the nighttime and not the morning? That’s silly, everyone knows nighttime is from 7pm until 10pm, and everything after that is daytime and mommy and daddy are lucky if I still decide to sleep.”

“The Giants, wow. They are giants, indeed. They’re even taller than mommy and daddy, and mommy and daddy are even taller than Curious George, so they’re definitely giants. I didn’t even know people came in sizes bigger than, say, five-foot-nine or so. I don’t know if I’ve ever met anyone taller than five-foot-nine!”

“I bet I could get a hit off Tim Lincecum. Hitting a baseball is just like putting your toes in your mouth, right? Because I’m really good at that.”

“I can’t believe he’s throwing so many fastballs. Everyone knows Will Venable is more vulnerable to the curveball.”

“I wonder what the infield dirt tastes like.”

Almost notable prospects Stephen Landazuri and Dario Pizzano played for the Double-A Jackson Generals today, the latter recording his fifth home run in just over 100 plate appearances for that Mariners affiliate (box).

Of perhaps even greater interest, however — at least to anyone who finds himself compelled to drive along I-40 outside of Jackson, Tennessee — is that the Generals MiLB.TV feed also serves as an entirely useful traffic webcam for that same stretch of American freeway.

The author can report with some certainty, for example — owing to the GIF embedded here — that at 1:05pm ET today traffic was running smoothly along the aforementioned highway. As for the conditions on that same interstate at the moment, this is a different questions.

First baseman: “Nice poke!”
Base runner: “What?”
FB: “I said, ‘Nice poke!’”
BR: “Thanks! I didn’t hear you at first! I guess the crowd is pretty loud!”
FB: “Yeah, they’re definitely proud! And why not? They love their Rays!”
BR: “Who got a raise?”
FB: “What?”
BR, after a pause: “Looks like your skipper is removing the pitcher!”
FB, after a hard squint: “Yeah, I guess it does!”
BR, after a longer pause: “So, how’s the family?”
FB: “The what?”
BR: “I say, the family!”
FB: “Pretty good, but I prefer the Corolla!”

This has been the recent Old-Timers’ Game at Yankee Stadium.

First baseman: “Nice poke.”
Base runner: “Thanks.”
FB: “No. I mean, ‘Nice poke.’”
BR: “Oh. How do you know about that?”
FB: “Dude. Baseball’s a small fraternity.”
BR: “Right. Well, do me a favor and keep it quiet, will ya?”
FB: “What’s in it for me?”
BR: “Next time you hit a ball in the 5.5 hole, I’ll ‘dive’ for it. Know what I mean? Olé!”
FB: “That’s not enough.”
BR: “What else do you want?”
FB: “Her number.”

This has been the recent Two-Timers’ Game at Yankee Stadium.
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…the single-engine plane touches down in a clearing, surrounded by impossibly tall trees, the smell of rain, and what sounds like thousands of brightly-colored parrots, squawking his name as he exits the airplane in a tan linen suit and wide-brimmed hat, a mosquito net covering his face. “Odrisamer,” the parrots say in unison. “Odrisamer Despaigne.” He tips his hat to the flock of them, and the parrots all converge onto his arms, his shoulders, his neck, nearly strangling him in the process, but Odrisamer Despaigne proves more than able to tame a thousand birds at once. He pulls a wrinkled old treasure map from one of the many pockets in his suit, and announces to no one in particular, “I think we’ve found the place.” Just then, the sound of a gunshot. “Someone’s after us,” he says, matter-of-factly, again to no one in particular, and the parrots, as quickly as they appeared, soar back up into the trees. Odrisamer Despaigne is left to search for shelter so that he can escape the evil poachers before an errant shot takes out his arm — the same arm that earned him a ticket to the States, a ticket he was glad to give up when he heard he was needed back in the jungle….

Somewhat at random this morning, I remembered the time in 2000 and 2001 when Minnesota Twins owner Carl Pohlad tried to get Major League Baseball to contract his team. It was an exceptionally traumatic moment in my life, one that will likely only be topped by family deaths and the moment my wife finally wises up and divorces me. Of course, I would never contract my own favorite team, but I would gladly contract yours if it gave mine a better path to competitiveness. Here is roughly the order I would contract in:

1)      Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim – In part because they have been disloyal to first the state of California and then to the city of Anaheim, I want to punish them. But mostly it’s because I want to watch other teams scramble over Mike Trout and try to avoid getting stuck with Albert Pujols or Josh Hamilton.

2)      Miami Marlins – If a baseball team is contracted in the woods, and no one is paying attention, does it make a sound?

3)      Tampa Bay Rays – It’s unclear to me why Florida gets anything nice, let alone two baseball teams all to themselves that they largely ignore.

4)      Atlanta Braves – The Cobb County thing rubs me the wrong way, and an underratedly obnoxious fanbase.

5)      Washington Nationals – Should have been contracted back when they were in Montreal. This is just 10 years late.

6)      Cleveland Indians – What it will probably take to finally getting Chief Wahoo out of baseball.

7)      Oakland Athletics – What it will probably take to finally get the A’s out of Oakland and their sewage-flooded ballpark.

8)      Chicago White Sox – I just like it when bad things happen to the White Sox. The Twins could go 0-143 against everyone else, but if they went 10-9 vs. the White Sox I’d be happy.

9)      Toronto Blue Jays – U.S.A.! U.S.A.!

10)   Chicago Cubs – How would removing them from the league after 1945 have altered baseball history at all? Plus, now we can cut down the ivy and find all the outfielders who have subsisted in there over the last 100 years.

11)   Detroit Tigers – In retribution for destroying Tiger Stadium before I got to go there.

12)   New York Mets – Mets fans would presumably welcome the extra misery.

13)   Arizona Diamondbacks – Honestly, they should probably rank higher but I totally just forgot they were a baseball team until now.

14)   Texas Rangers – Natural byproduct of all the injuries. I mean, they can’t even field a team right now.

15)   Los Angeles Dodgers – You broke Brooklyn’s heart. And you destroyed a neighborhood. And your patron saint is Tommy Lasorda.

16)   New York Yankees – Getting rid of them is, literally, the only way the Twins will ever advance in the postseason.

17)   Seattle Mariners – Out of respect, should have retired with Jamie Moyer.

18)   Milwaukee Brewers – Getting rid of the baseball games just leaves more time for tailgaiting in the Miller Park parking lots.

19)   Colorado Rockies – Coors is not beer.

20)   Cincinnati Reds – I don’t really understand why anyone lives in Cincinnati. I’ve never been there and know nothing about it, but I feel comfortable passing judgment. I do like that the city was stealth-named after George Washington though.

21)   Philadelphia Phillies – Because those French fries last year were really bad, and because denying Phans an outlet for their rage might result in a city slowly turning on itself and losing its mind.

22)   St. Louis Cardinals – I didn’t want to take away the one thing The Best Fans In Baseball™ have to live for. This is the classiest contraction I’ve ever seen though.

23)   Kansas City Royals – You’re not even in Kansas. False advertising.

24)   San Francisco Giants – How could they let Barry Bonds roam around free like that? Also, I was always really angry that Marvin Benard’s last name was missing another R.

25)   Boston Red Sox – Since they suck this year, I forgot how annoying they can be.

26)   Pittsburgh Pirates – I kept you guys around as long as possible because I love that ballpark and because, after so many years in the wilderness, Yinzers deserve to enjoy decent baseball for as long as possible.

27)   Baltimore Orioles – Again, the ballpark kept them around. I needed to get more Boog’s before we got rid of this club.

28)   Houston Astros – I saved them this long out of respect for J.R. Richard, the baddest that there ever was.

29)   San Diego Padres – I still have to visit Petco, and baseball aside, everything about San Diego seems so damn pleasant.

30)   Minnesota Twins – The cheese stands alone, but they’d probably still find some way to blow it. I(will) blame Mauer.

This has been Mike makes everybody mad at him.

Some might possibly consider what happened to umpire Joe West during Tuesday’s OAK-NYM game a “scary moment”.

But lest we forget that Joe West is not only aided by a thick layer of padding (and also his umping gear HEY-YO!), but he is fortified by good-old American grit (and American grits HEY-YO!).

Joe West can be seen as a (perhaps weak) metaphor for America herself. Sure, sometimes we take a screaming liner off the chest. Wars? Down economy? Measles coming back? Gridlocked Congress? Another season of Grey’s Anatomy? We can take anything, God damn it! And if we can’t take it, we’re going to stand here and pretend like we can so we don’t look like pussies. In the case of this (perhaps weak) metaphor, Joe West is a Real American.

Joe West American

Adam LaRoche’s superb clout sent a surging Washington through in a defensive contest in Milwaukee.

Matt Williams’ men top the table in the National League East and can take heart in a return to top form by Gio Gonzalez. The wily left-hander soon proved fit in his second start following a month’s rest due to shoulder injury. Having endured a dispiriting season Gonzalez was elated by the day’s result, with a sparkling off-speed ball helping him to a well-deserved clean sheet.

Central leaders Milwaukee battled gamely on their home pitch but the Nationals were clearly the better side. Whilst Gonzalez opened play masterfully with a mix of clever changeups and well-placed fastballs, his counterpart Matt Garza quickly found trouble as two heroic strikeouts were needed to parry a Nationals buildup in the second. No such joy awaited Ron Roenicke’s hurler in the third, as a canny walk by Anthony Rendon and a smartly knocked single by Jayson Werth set the table for LaRoche’s magnificent strike.

A daring run by Jean Segura then produced a decent chance for the Brewers, but the disappointing Ryan Braun could only flail half-heartedly at the ensuing balls and by inning’s end Gonzalez had the match well in hand.

Tempers had flared briefly in the second as an indignant Matt Williams was sent off following a dodgy strike call by the Minnesotan referee. Yet it seemed Washington were only emboldened by their manager’s departure and it was in the following frame that they opened the scoring in fine style.

Late sub Tyler Clippard turned heads with three neat punchouts, but by then the result was in little doubt as a disorganized Milwaukee side had failed to piece together a convincing attack.