On the one hand, Josh Hamilton’s enthusiasm for swinging — documented in some depth recently by FanGraphs managing editor Dave Cameron — has very likely hurt his ability to produce at a high level offensively. On the other, it allows one to make amusing constellations from the pitches at which Hamilton has swung.

Above is just such a constellation — in this case, of what appears to be an ugly fedora — from all of Josh Hamilton’s swings against Chicago White Sox pitchers this past Saturday (box). According to PITCHf/x, Hamilton swung at 33.3% of all pitches outside the zone and 52.6% of total pitches during the course of the game — which figures, to be fair, are almost not considerably above league average.

Credit to Brooks Baseball for strikezone plots.

Andrelton Simmons has admitted in a NotGraphs semi-exclusive that he has just hit puberty.

As we all know from experience, that journey can lead to all sorts of interesting places.

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I’d be lying if I didn’t admit I tried to repeat this accident of web searching with something a little more ambitious. Alas, searching for Heath Bars just prior to searching for news about Heath Bell did not get me anything worth posting. Nor did searching for Samuel Beckett works of theater before searching for news about Josh Beckett.

…and if you have your own baseball-related Great Moments in Google Ads, take a screen capture and feel free to send them along for a future post.

I am proud to release my latest film. It is entitled Ty Cobb: The Movie and it stars Ty Cobb and Paul Krichell.

What the reader might not know — but is certainly going to find out following the completion of this unnecessary em-dashed aside — is that, among the categories to which NotGraphs authors can assign their posts, there’s one called Charlie Blackmon Info.

“Why is there a category called Charlie Blackmon Info?” a reader might ask — nor does the author have any intention of discouraging the reader’s natural curiosity. Still, asking that question, one might as well also ask, “How do you hold a moonbeam in your hand?” Or: “How, after managing to get a moonbeam into your hand, do you make sex to it?”

Some questions, in other words, are unable to be answered — or, at the very least, unable to be answered without the aid of a harrowing diagram.

In any case, the purpose of this particular edition of Charlie Blackmon Info is to alert the entire world that (a) in his third plate appearance of the season, recently promoted Colorado outfield Charlie Blackmon homered and that (b) the author has commemorated Blackmon’s home run in American GIF form, with the caveat that (c) the video quality of the GIF isn’t particularly great, because (d) the author’s modem is working poorly, even though (e) the author’s wife has repeatedly reminded him to call for repair, while (f) the author has secretly prayed in his heart for the problem to resolve itself.

All of which is to say:

#Rays Rodney has a plantain tucked in his pants for team photo. That is all.

— Marc Topkin (@TBTimes_Rays) May 11, 2013

In either case, according to Rays beat reporter Marc Topkin, he really does have a plantain in his pocket.

Cardinals outfield prospect Mike O’Neill has appeared within the author’s Fringe Five column of late neither because of his tremendous raw power nor even his nearly average power. Indeed, as of yesterday, O’Neill had accumulated only one professional home run since being drafted out of USC in 2010.

What he did Friday night, however — in the second game of Double-A Springfield’s double-header against Tulsa — was to hit a home run. And what the present author did after that was to render footage of the home run into animated GIF form such that it might be viewed and enjoyed by no fewer than one other person, and up to as many as seven or eight other people.

Regard, here’s the first half of the home-run sequence, which the author has split into two parts with a view to Maximum Loading Ease.

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Not so long ago — last gibbous moon, if memory serves — I availed myself of a Firefox extension that alerts you any time anyone Irish does anything on the Internet. Needless to say, when Mets infielder Justin Turner came to bat earlier this week, my computer grew arms and seized my tailored lapels. I clicked on the relevant Maximum Irish Caution icon, and it took me straightaway to this …

Let’s just say that, upon viewing Mr. Turner’s mien and bearing, I saw to it that the recommended protocols were followed.

Billy Buckner is famous for, well, you know what he’s famous for.

But did you know that, since retiring from baseball, he’s had serious work done by Flavor Flav’s orthodontist? Well now, thanks to this week’s edition of the Friday Grill & Bill, which is as efficient as it is a waste of the reader’s time, you do know about Bill’s grill.

“Grilly” Buckner

In conclusion,

No, you aren’t having fun yet.

Anyone whose family, or who he himself, purchased an Apple-brand computer anytime before, say, 1995 will likely have more than a passing knowledge of the genre commonly known as edutainment, a very specific sort of software program that, in striving to provide users with content that is both educational and entertaining, typically provides neither.

That fact having being established, allow the author to announce that, in every relevant way — both in that it is neither very educational nor very entertaining — the present post is a goddamn exemplar of the edutainment genre.

What follows is a collection of five baseball players (most past, one present) whose names most resemble popular Danish ejaculations — at least so far Wiktionary has led the author to believe.

Readers can use this post to both not learn Danish and also learn very little about baseball!

Player: Willie Horton (Profile)
Who He Was: Mostly Tigers outfielder, 1963-1980
Relevant Danish Ejaculation: Hørt! (Real Dictionary Entry)
Meaning: Hear, hear!

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