Overheard at the Gym: Kershaw’s Half of the Convo

As you’ve probably heard, Dodgers pitcher Clayton Kershaw recently signed a contract that will pay him more American dollars than you will earn across all the many lifetimes that Lord Buddha bestows upon you, even if you embezzle from your employers and/or diligently cut coupons.

As a result of his enviable windfall, the young lefty has been subject to a multitude of business proposals, probably. What follows is a not-at-all fictional record — or half-record, if you will — of just one of those.

There is the whir of the elliptical, the whine of the overhead fan.

Through the hum and drone comes a pulsing tone.

The young man picks up the cell phone and presses it to his ear.

“Hello? Oh, hey,” he says in a friendly tone, his legs still pumping but his left arm steady in the standard phone-call position. “How’s it going?”

“Yeah, thanks very much. I know, I know. It really is a lot of money.”

“Oh, I agree,” he replies, “it’s pretty mind-blowing, it really is.”

“Sure, I’ve got a minute…. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Oh, that certainly is an innovative concept…. Uh-huh. Wow, yes, that sounds exciting, but….”

“Yes, well, that does sound like an interesting investment opportunity, but we already have a lot of that money earmarked for charity. We have the orphanage in Lusaka, of course, and the Peacock Foundation, not to mention Kershaw’s Challenge and Habitat for Humanity. Plus, you know, groceries.”

“Uh-huh…. Yes. Well, it’s just that…”

“No, I’m not saying that chipotle-flavored oxygen is a bad idea, exactly, nor am I suggesting that a couch that can deliver its own pizzas is necessarily doomed to fail. It’s just that … uh-huh … uh-huh … yes, well … uh-huh … yes, but … uh-huh, well, that sounds like a serviceable concept, too, but I’m not convinced that there’s a great demand for a self-cleaning welcome mat, nor am I convinced that the world is ready for a bathrobe that says nice things about the back of your neck.”

“Uh-huh. Yes, well, good luck to you this year, too. OK. Goodbye.”

There is the whir of the elliptical, the whine of the overhead fan.

Through the hum and drone comes a pulsing tone.