Introducing the First (And Last) Notty Awards


Here at NotGraphs, we like to write the words “Here at NotGraphs.” This helps to distinguish us from people at other locations – people who might write the words “Here at Mensa” or “Here at Sticky Steve’s Wonderful World of Gently Pre-Owned Hustler Magazines.” Here at NotGraphs, writing “Here at NotGraphs” also gives us a shared identity, even if, here at NotGraphs, we actually live far apart from each other and only rarely invite the others over for pepper pickling or quilt quilting. (This is to say nothing of pepper quilting, which, if done incorrectly, can sting.)

Here at NotGraphs, this inclination to write “Here at NotGraphs” also serves to remind us that, you know, we really do write for NotGraphs, often in the same calendar week and always with the same source material, i.e., Shecky Greene’s Wonderful World of Gently Pre-Owned Jokes, even though there is no actual here here. Sadly, however, this sharing of identity and material will have its rendering unto immutable history when upon the final out of Joe Buck’s Global Series of Base-ball our blog shall notch its appointment with the executioner.

Here at NotGraphs, we will no longer be here at NotGraphs.

And so, in recognition of the many achievements here at NotGraphs, and in a valediction to the writers who are still – what’s the word I’m looking for here? – here (sort of), I present to you the First (And Last) Notty Awards.

Exit through the gift shop.

Best Writer Of A Post About The First And Last Notty Awards

John Paschal

Best Editor Of A Post About First And Lust Notty Awards

John Paschal

Best Writer Who Goes By The Name Carson Cistulli

Carson Cistulli

Best Writer Whose Name Includes That Of A U.S. State

Mississippi Matt Smith, Iowa Mike Bates (tie)

Best Writer Whose Name Evokes The State Of Iowa

Iowa Mike Bates, Patrick Dubuque (tie)

Best Use Of A Middle Initial

David G. Temple, Robert J. Baumann, Carson C. Stulli (tie)

Best Misspelling Of The Name “Dane”

Eno Sarris

Best Alternate Spelling Of The Name “Dane”

Navin Vaswani, Dayn Perry (tie)

Best Englishman Living In Central Mexico

Craig Robinson, Nigel Smythe-Gonzalez (tie)

Best Non-Englishman Living In The United States

’Murcan John Paschal

Best Writer To Enter Witness Protection As Rolando Blackman

Jeremy Blachman

Best Writer Whose Name Sounds Like That Of A Network Anchor

Zach Reynolds

Best Writer Whose Name Could Have Been Spelled “Zack”

Zach Reynolds, Dayn Perry (tie)

Best Writer Whose Surname Includes The Word For A Distilled Liquor

Bradley Woodrum, Bradley Steeltequila (tie)

Best Writer Whose First Name Is “Bradley”

Bradley Woodrum, Bradley Steeltequila (tie)

Best Writer Whose Surname Is The Word For A Place Of Worship

David G. Temple, Patrick Dubuque (tie)

Best Writer At Assuming Dubuque, Iowa, Has Many Places Of Worship

John Paschal, Pat Robertson (tie)

Best Writer At Not Actually Writing For NotGraphs

Pat Robertson, Nigel Smythe-Rodriguez, Rodney Steeltequila (tie)

Best Writer Of The Hopeless Joe Series

Hopeless Joe (accepting for Mr. Joe will be Rolando Blackman)

Best Writer Of The Ironic Jersey Omnibus Series

Patrick Dubuque (accepting for Mr. Dubuque will be Patrick Des Moines)

Best Writer Of Minimalist Short Fiction Starring Adrian Beltre

Adrian Beltre (with Dayn Perry and Mitch Albom)

Best Maker Of Don Sutton-Themed Wallpaper

Bradley Woodrum (with Mitch Albom and Don Sutton)

Best Writer Of Sentences That Comprise The Phrase “Boom: joules.”

Zach Reynolds (with James Prescott Joule and Jeffrey Dexter Boomhauer III)

Best Writer Who Just Stole Part Of Another Writer’s Name

Mississippi Mike Bates, Hopeless Carson Cistulli (tie)

Best Writer Who Probably Should Not Have Taken Mississippi Matt Smith’s Example By Naming Himself After One Of The 50 U.S. States

Oregeno Sarris

Best Misspelling Of “Oregon” And/Or “Oregano”

Eno Sarris, Hopeless Carson Cistulli (tie)

Best Writer Whose Name No One Remembers, But Should

Kenesaw Mountain Mandelbaum

Best Writer Who Makes You Wonder What The “J.” Stands For

Robert J. Baumann, Hopeless J. Cistulli (tie)

Best Maker Of Gifs

NotJohn Paschal

Best Visual Artist

Craig Robinson, Carson “The Mime’s Mime” Cistulli (tie)

Best Quilter Of Quilts

John Paschal, David “The Quilter’s Quilter” G. Temple (tie)

Best Pickler Of Peppers

Robert “The J. Is For Vinegar!” Baumann

Best Writer Who Has The Name Of A Famous Comedic Actor

Craig Robinson, Dayn “Cook” Perry (tie)

Best Writer Who Doesn’t Have The Name Of A Famous Comedic Actor

Mississippi Mike Bates, Kenesaw Mountain Mandelbaum (tie)

Best Writer Whose Podcast Voice Evokes Images Of Winston Churchill

None (tie)

Best Writer At Not Being Able To Come Up With More Categories

John Paschal

Best Writer At Saying, “Wait, There Are More Categories!”

John Paschal

The NotGraphs Player Of The Year

Munenori Kawasaki, Moises Sierra (tie)

The NotGraphs NotPlayer Of The Year

Umpire Joe West, alas.

John Paschal is a regular contributor to The Hardball Times and The Hardball Times Baseball Annual.

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8 years ago

The day I see a news anchor named “Zach” is the day I leave this realm.

8 years ago
Reply to  John Paschal

Nope. Zach is that freckly guy from your highschool class who used to shoot spitballs at the teacher when her back was turned.

News anchors should be named Peter, Robert or Lloyd. Or maybe Vincent if you want some diversity.

8 years ago
Reply to  John Paschal

Is it short for Zachary or like Zachariah or something?… Makes a difference I think.

The Humber Games
8 years ago
Reply to  John Paschal

I don’t think it works. Zach is evocative of Zach Attack, which is both a dumb nickname and also in turn makes one think of Snack Attack. The conclusion of which can only be that people named Zach are not meant to be news anchors, but rather are meant to be eaten.

8 years ago
Reply to  John Paschal

I dont feel like my name is a good anchor name at all

8 years ago
Reply to  IMW

Zach Klein is a real sports new anchor.