Introducing the First (And Last) Notty Awards by John Paschal October 17, 2014 Here at NotGraphs, we like to write the words “Here at NotGraphs.” This helps to distinguish us from people at other locations – people who might write the words “Here at Mensa” or “Here at Sticky Steve’s Wonderful World of Gently Pre-Owned Hustler Magazines.” Here at NotGraphs, writing “Here at NotGraphs” also gives us a shared identity, even if, here at NotGraphs, we actually live far apart from each other and only rarely invite the others over for pepper pickling or quilt quilting. (This is to say nothing of pepper quilting, which, if done incorrectly, can sting.) Here at NotGraphs, this inclination to write “Here at NotGraphs” also serves to remind us that, you know, we really do write for NotGraphs, often in the same calendar week and always with the same source material, i.e., Shecky Greene’s Wonderful World of Gently Pre-Owned Jokes, even though there is no actual here here. Sadly, however, this sharing of identity and material will have its rendering unto immutable history when upon the final out of Joe Buck’s Global Series of Base-ball our blog shall notch its appointment with the executioner. Here at NotGraphs, we will no longer be here at NotGraphs. And so, in recognition of the many achievements here at NotGraphs, and in a valediction to the writers who are still – what’s the word I’m looking for here? – here (sort of), I present to you the First (And Last) Notty Awards. Exit through the gift shop. Best Writer Of A Post About The First And Last Notty Awards John Paschal Best Editor Of A Post About First And Lust Notty Awards John Paschal Best Writer Who Goes By The Name Carson Cistulli Carson Cistulli Best Writer Whose Name Includes That Of A U.S. State Mississippi Matt Smith, Iowa Mike Bates (tie) Best Writer Whose Name Evokes The State Of Iowa Iowa Mike Bates, Patrick Dubuque (tie) Best Use Of A Middle Initial David G. Temple, Robert J. Baumann, Carson C. Stulli (tie) Best Misspelling Of The Name “Dane” Eno Sarris Best Alternate Spelling Of The Name “Dane” Navin Vaswani, Dayn Perry (tie) Best Englishman Living In Central Mexico Craig Robinson, Nigel Smythe-Gonzalez (tie) Best Non-Englishman Living In The United States ’Murcan John Paschal Best Writer To Enter Witness Protection As Rolando Blackman Jeremy Blachman Best Writer Whose Name Sounds Like That Of A Network Anchor Zach Reynolds Best Writer Whose Name Could Have Been Spelled “Zack” Zach Reynolds, Dayn Perry (tie) Best Writer Whose Surname Includes The Word For A Distilled Liquor Bradley Woodrum, Bradley Steeltequila (tie) Best Writer Whose First Name Is “Bradley” Bradley Woodrum, Bradley Steeltequila (tie) Best Writer Whose Surname Is The Word For A Place Of Worship David G. Temple, Patrick Dubuque (tie) Best Writer At Assuming Dubuque, Iowa, Has Many Places Of Worship John Paschal, Pat Robertson (tie) Best Writer At Not Actually Writing For NotGraphs Pat Robertson, Nigel Smythe-Rodriguez, Rodney Steeltequila (tie) Best Writer Of The Hopeless Joe Series Hopeless Joe (accepting for Mr. Joe will be Rolando Blackman) Best Writer Of The Ironic Jersey Omnibus Series Patrick Dubuque (accepting for Mr. Dubuque will be Patrick Des Moines) Best Writer Of Minimalist Short Fiction Starring Adrian Beltre Adrian Beltre (with Dayn Perry and Mitch Albom) Best Maker Of Don Sutton-Themed Wallpaper Bradley Woodrum (with Mitch Albom and Don Sutton) Best Writer Of Sentences That Comprise The Phrase “Boom: joules.” Zach Reynolds (with James Prescott Joule and Jeffrey Dexter Boomhauer III) Best Writer Who Just Stole Part Of Another Writer’s Name Mississippi Mike Bates, Hopeless Carson Cistulli (tie) Best Writer Who Probably Should Not Have Taken Mississippi Matt Smith’s Example By Naming Himself After One Of The 50 U.S. States Oregeno Sarris Best Misspelling Of “Oregon” And/Or “Oregano” Eno Sarris, Hopeless Carson Cistulli (tie) Best Writer Whose Name No One Remembers, But Should Kenesaw Mountain Mandelbaum Best Writer Who Makes You Wonder What The “J.” Stands For Robert J. Baumann, Hopeless J. Cistulli (tie) Best Maker Of Gifs NotJohn Paschal Best Visual Artist Craig Robinson, Carson “The Mime’s Mime” Cistulli (tie) Best Quilter Of Quilts John Paschal, David “The Quilter’s Quilter” G. Temple (tie) Best Pickler Of Peppers Robert “The J. Is For Vinegar!” Baumann Best Writer Who Has The Name Of A Famous Comedic Actor Craig Robinson, Dayn “Cook” Perry (tie) Best Writer Who Doesn’t Have The Name Of A Famous Comedic Actor Mississippi Mike Bates, Kenesaw Mountain Mandelbaum (tie) Best Writer Whose Podcast Voice Evokes Images Of Winston Churchill None (tie) Best Writer At Not Being Able To Come Up With More Categories John Paschal Best Writer At Saying, “Wait, There Are More Categories!” John Paschal The NotGraphs Player Of The Year Munenori Kawasaki, Moises Sierra (tie) The NotGraphs NotPlayer Of The Year Umpire Joe West, alas.