Archive for Uncategorized

Around the Horn: Chapter 1. Malaysia

Malaysia

Darkness has descended, like a great damp tarpaulin, upon our land; and as the hot stove gradually cools to a simmer, as the last awards are desultorily awarded, and as the last Brandon McCarthy tweets settle around us like falling leaves, we enter a time of lonely and solemn reflection. It is at times like these — when our collective spirit meets its greatest trial; when all purpose seems to retreat before us; when all we have is each other — that I grasp for the resolve, the determination, the inner strength, to pack my bags and go somewhere else. And that is precisely why I am now inaugurating a new series of posts, titled: Around the Horn*: Four Boats, Thirteen Camels, Two Hundred and Seventy-Six Bouts of Intestinal Distress, and One Man’s Quest to Find Baseball Where He’d Never Expected It. Over a period that may or very well may not amount to eighty days, I’ll be circumnavigating the globe, spending time in countries where baseball is obscurely played, and ruminating on the meaning of our sport, as well as on what it means to be human, as time and space permit.

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Today in Deaths

On this day in 1963, ballplayer Harold “Muddy” Ruel passed away, aged 67.

Muddy played in the Majors for twenty years with the Browns, Yankees, Red Sox, Senators, Tigers, and White Sox. He logged nearly 5300 Plate Appearances; he won World Series titles both as a player and a coach. After retiring as a player, he remained in pro baseball many more years as a coach, manager, and executive. He had a fucking law degree from Washington University in Saint Louis, and he was actually certified to practice.

The guy led a full life, one might say.

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3D MLB: THE MOVIE, or, Futuristic Delights of Tomorrowyear

Perhaps to the excruciation of NotGraphs readers, I’ve been slowly building a provisional cast for MLB: The Movie, a comprehensive movie about Major League Baseball that will cost at least $300billion to make and will never get made. Ten to twenty years after never, the film will be re-released with tacked-on yet comprehensive 3D effects (AKA Baseballscheiße und 3D, working title, Germany).

Since this will be infinitely in the future, we can assume that all manner of technologies will be available to us. Thus, the “3D experience” will really be much more than 3D — it will be a complete sensory immersion.

Here are some things that you can expect to appear/happen in the 3D MLB: The Movie experience:

*An infinitely spinning Joe West, who will be implanted in the corner of your mind for all time by nano-bots that enter your body via your dong or lady dong.

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Valley of the Dolls

In which the author scours the online auctions for baseball-themed collectibles that should never, ever, under any circumstances be allowed into your home.

Anna Lee Baseball Mouse 7 inches high

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Twitter Predicts The Free Agent Signings: Kelly Shoppach

Sorry, Twitter is pretty quiet regarding Kelly Shoppach.


Twitter Predicts The Free Agent Signings: Josh Hamilton


NotGraphs Free Agent Predictions

Tim Dierkes at MLB Trade Rumors was the first major source to rank and make predictions about this off-season’s free agents, and many experts have since followed suit. (You have two days left to make your own predictions at MLBTR.)

At NotGraphs, it’s not our place to care about which teams these free agents end up with, or how much money they will make, or what the going rate for a open-market marginal win is, or how new leagues and ballparks will affect relocated players — that’s for a different kind of nerdlinger.

At this weblog, where we’re more concerned about player-celebrity dopplegangers, we’ll concern ourselves with prognostications of a different order: for whom the top free agents will vote on this fine Super Tuesday!**

Zack Greinke – Abstain (via Absentee Ballot)
Greinke sure as hell isn’t going to go to the polls and sit around in a dumb crowd for hours — he has a very sensitive sense of smell! Plus, he’s catching up on video game time. Also, he doesn’t want to vote for anyone — why would he do that? — but we heard that he did send a blank absentee ballot to Missouri, where he may or may not be registered.

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Twitter Predicts The Free Agent Signings: Zack Greinke


The Author’s Personal Debt Compared to Various Baseball-Related Dollar Amounts

The following table documents the author’s present debt, broken down by category:

Credit Cards $11,076.11
School Loans $63,821.12
Other Loans/Personal $13,350.00
Total $88,247.23

I would be willing to play Major League Baseball in 2013 at the minimum salary in order to pay off this debt, but let’s assume I am lazy and that I would “retire” as soon this debt was paid off. How long would I have to play in order to do this?

The minimum Major League salary was $480,000 in 2012. My total debt — let’s round it up to $90,000 for any interest that might accrue — is about 18.75% of that salary. If we translate that to Games, it’s only about 31 games, so I should be able to retire from baseball in early May 2013. That sounds pretty good. I could be the fifth starting pitcher for some team and I might not even have to play at all if the April off days align just right. If, by chance, a fifth starter was needed, I would have a knuckleball ready, or I would dance a rain dance, or I would just kill myself, in which case the team could collect insurance, maybe, and my debt would vanish so it’d be win-win!

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Today in Creepy Vintage Baseball-Themed Memorabilia: Fan & Fannie

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Fan and Fannie are the Base Ball Twins. They have heads shaped like baseballs, and torsos shaped like baseballs. They associate with tiny baseball-shaped clones, an ungendered baseball-shaped African-American, and his or her goat. They speak mostly in cryptic questions and unsettling innuendo. They will henceforth haunt your dreams, spring unbidden to your thoughts, and bring you profound existential discomfort. Otherwise, I cannot tell you anything at all about Fan and Fannie.

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