Archive for Uncategorized

If you don’t read Rany on the Royals, Rany Jazayerli’s intelligent, passionate blog about the Royals — whether or not you care a whit about the Royals — I don’t know why you bother having an Internet connection, because new entries over there are one of the Internet-reading-things I most look forward to.

One of the commenters on a recent post (scroll down to Kenneth) criticized Rany for being too negative. He’s absolutely negative a lot of the time, but these are the Royals, so how positive can you be? He’s negative when they deserve it, and they seem to pretty much always deserve it. That said, I thought it might be fun to imagine Rany… on My Breakfast. This is meant to honor, not to criticize. I love love love his blog, and I don’t care at all about the Royals.

I’ve argued for a while that I would accept eating cereal without milk, but it has to be a good cereal. One that makes up for the lack of milk with enough positive qualities — crunch, flavor, nutritional profile — that we could overlook the one big negative. I know that every breakfast has its plusses and minuses. Rationally, I know that. And I know that even the limited number of perfect breakfasts — challah french toast, smoked salmon on a bagel, Davey Johnson Flakes — aren’t always available when you need them, and may not always be the right fit for any given individual — but this morning, when Jeremy ate Trader Joe’s Bran Flakes, plain, in a bowl, with his FINGERS, I realized I can no longer stand by and support the lack of milk. There has to be milk. Next time he goes to the supermarket — or, really, anywhere that sells food — he has to buy milk, and he has to buy it for the express purpose of using it on his cereal. It’s been too long. It’s as simple as that.

Of course, I say that, and then I have to qualify it. It’s not as simple as that. Trader Joe’s Bran Flakes have been on the market for years and they’re just as dry as they’ve always been. I accept that not every cereal starts out perfect, but you have to see progress. And even if Trader Joe’s is insisting there’s an eight-year plan (which, of course, used to be a five-year plan, until it was a six-year plan, and soon enough it’s going to be a twelve-year plan), at some point you have to stop planning and see results.

Bran Flakes are EXACTLY THE AGE that they should be improving.

MILK IS AVAILABLE — and without giving up any prospects, of course.

You put it all together and you have to understand — nothing about this breakfast is acceptable. NOTHING. And I fear this won’t be the end of it. FEAR. END. NOTHING. BRAN. ROYALS. TERRIBLE. EXPLODE.

Vinegar-base slaw: far superior.

Hot Facts:

1. On September 9, 2013, the Pittsburgh Pirates beat the Texas Rangers by a score of 1-0.
2. It was the 82nd win of the 2013 season for the Pirates, securing them a winning season for the first time since 1992.
3. In said contest, Gerrit Cole put the team on his back, out-pitching Yu Darvish with seven shut-out innings while striking out nine Rangers.
4. Instead of Gatorade or another thirst-quenching beverage, the coolers in the Pittsburgh Pirates dugout are filled with fresh and delicious Primanti Bros. coleslaw.

Let these Hot Facts be known far and wide.

While clicking around Twitter looking for inspiration for today’s post, I came across A’s first baseman Nate Freiman’s Twitter page, where he calls himself a “baseball player and caddie.” Freiman’s wife is Amanda Blumenherst, an LPGA golfer who, according to Wikipedia, has earned more than half a million dollars since turning pro in 2009. Freiman has caddied for her seven times.

Including at the CME Group Titleholders 2012, photo leading off an article from Golfweek about Blumenherst deciding to give up the rigors of the tour in order to spend more time with Nate.

Writes Golfweek, “There isn’t a prettier set of teeth on tour.”

Wait… WHAT?

And people think NotGraphs is fluff? (Maybe.) Golfweek is, as far as I can tell, an actual printed publication.

Coming up next week on TeeGraphs, LPGA TEETHWATCH.

I have, perhaps, an unhealthy love for Ben Revere, who until today seemed like the very picture of perfection as a Major League Baseball player. A lovable speedster who was constantly hustling and who had an infectious smile, I was smitten immediately. Even the trade that sent him from my beloved Twins to the Phillies failed to dampen my enthusiasm for him.

And then he tweeted this yesterday:

“@iknowjado: I miss my bro @BenRevere9” miss you too no homo

— Ben Revere (@BenRevere9) September 5, 2013

It has since been deleted.

At first, I was aghast that such a beautiful creature could tweet something so callously homophobic. I was all set to type a scathing response, explaining how I felt betrayed by yet another ballplayer I allowed to let me down. I was going to criticize him for his bad joke and me for my investment in Ben Revere’s purity. I was set to pine for an earlier time when we were allowed to pretend that flu-like symptoms were flu-like symptoms, Mickey Mantle was a hero, and beaver hunts were solely the province of voyageurs.

Read the rest of this entry »

Bad Liriano made another untimely appearance yesterday, and so, with the Bucs stuck at 81 wins, the Doleful Pittsburgh Narrative drags on. At this point I think we’re all — OK, those of us outside St. Louis and Cincinnati — rooting for them to win tomorrow night and put this thing to rest. (Actually, I suspect many Reds and Cards fans are just as eager for the violin music to end.) So, to facilitate that happy event, I thought the time was ripe to roll out the Pirate Victory Song.

Happy New Year to Craig Breslow, Ike Davis, Scott Feldman, Nate Freiman, Sam Fuld, Ryan Kalish, Ian Kinsler, Ryan Lavarnway, Jason Marquis, Kevin Pillar, Josh Satin, Danny Valencia, Kevin Youkilis, Josh Zeid, and, of course, that shining example to all young Jews, Ryan Braun. Apologies to anyone the Internet isn’t telling me is Jewish.

Throwing all of those players into a custom team here at FanGraphs, I can calculate that the Jews have earned a total of 6.4 WAR this season, only 1.0 from pitching (due largely to Jason Marquis…). Scott Feldman, with 2.1 pitching WAR and 0.1 batting WAR, is the Jewish MVP thus far this season, with Ian Kinsler (1.9 WAR) a reasonably close second.

May the fantasy teams of all Jews reading this score 5,774 points tonight, and may at least one major league team serve brisket in their post-game spread.

Welcome to CHOOSE YOUR OWN RACE FOR THE PLAYOFFS ADVENTURE! Where anything can happen, provided I thought of this thing! See if you can find the track that leads to your team winning the WORLD SERIES! [Note: No tracks lead to your team winning the World Series] Start by choosing your favorite team from this comprehensive list of playoff contenders. Note that the linked-to headings will appear at the tip top of your browsin’ page.

Atlanta Braves

Miami Marlins

Read the rest of this entry »

Regarding the immanent return of Corey Kluber.

The return of Corey Kluber — and, presumably, the return of the Corey Kluber Society, as well — is only one of the many, many tons of “things” on the crazy, jam-packed, break-neck September calendar of the Cleveland Indians.

Like, what is one thing that is on said turkey-chasing, event-bloated, bottle-necked schedule of the Cleveland Indians, you might ask.

“A number of things, for one thing,” one Indians executive elucidated.

“Oh there’s just oodles of stuff that we have going on this month,” said Indians PR Intern and erstwhile Ohio State sophomore Pliny Smithson.

Like, promotions at the ballpark? Ramping up a PR campaign to create excitement for the stretch drive?

“There’s that, yeah. And so much other stuff, too. Personally, I have, like, at least a dozens different things on my calendar for every day in the month of September,” Smithson offered. “Even weekends. I’m constantly tweeting.”

Nick Swisher, what do you have going on in September?

Read the rest of this entry »

Screenshot taken from Mets.com yesterday evening at 6:40 PM, with a white box covering some information.

Can you guess what is happening in 25 days?

(a) The Mets’ “Murder Mike Piazza” contest will be over, and Piazza will be dead.

(b) Piazza is scheduled to give a press conference admitting to somewhere between one and three of the following things: (i) he used steroids; (ii) he is gay; (iii) he used gay steroids; (iv) he and Murray Chass are the same person; (v) he has evidence that Murray Chass uses steroids; (vi) he is a zombie.

(c) Piazza is returning to the Mets as their starting catcher.

(d) Piazza is returning to the Mets as a starting pitcher.

(e) Piazza will be taking over the Mets’ official Twitter feed for an hour.

(f) It’s Mike Piazza Gets Shot From a Cannon Day!

(g) Piazza will be opening up a “Piazza’s Pizza” concession stand at CitiField.

(h) Piazza will be inducted into the Mets’ Hall of Fame, as only the sixteenth catcher, after Choo Choo Coleman, Chris Cannizzaro, Yogi Berra, Jerry Grote, Duffy Dyer, Ron Hodges, John Stearns, Gary Carter, Barry Lyons, Mackey Sasser, Todd Hundley, Charlie O’Brien, Vance Wilson, Todd Pratt, and Omir Santos.

(i) Choice (h) except he’ll be the third catcher, not the sixteenth. Oops.

Belovéd,

Would that I had been able to address you sooner, but the Day of Labor proved too laborious, and yesterday was Tuesday, and Cistulli says I’m not allowed to address you on Tuesday.  Someday, that tyrant will get his.

So after three days, you are undoubtedly aware that Delmon Young has triumphantly returned to the Major Leagues, re-surfacing in Tampa to play for the Rays franchise which bore him and unleashed him upon the unsuspecting league. Since his debut on Sunday, he has collected three singles in eight plate appearances.

In celebration of his accomplishments, the royal We insert Delmon Young’s name into a shitty representation of the Western Canon, thus diminishing those works even further into the flammable morass of Lake Erie that is reality-TV-based popular culture.

Today, Delmon Young is a deeply troubled albino monk assassin in The DaVinci Code, Dan Brown’s abomination of a best seller.  We find him in Paris, France, basking in the afterglow of murder and fighting back his throbbing masthead:

The plaza before the great church was deserted at this hour, the only visible souls on the far side of Place Saint-Sulpice a couple of teenage hookers showing their wares to the late night tourist traffic. Their nubile bodies sent a familiar longing to Delmon Young’s loins. His thigh flexed instinctively, causing the barbed cilice belt to cut painfully into his flesh.

The lust evaporated instantly. For ten years now, Delmon Young had faithfully denied himself all sexual indulgence, even self-administered. It was The Way. He knew he had sacrificed much to follow Opus Dei, but he had received much more in return. A vow of celibacy and the relinquishment of all personal assets hardly seemed a sacrifice. Considering the poverty from which he had come and the sexual horrors he had endured in prison, celibacy was a welcome change.

Now, having returned to France for the first time since being arrested and shipped to prison in Andorra, Delmon Young could feel his homeland testing him, dragging violent memories from his redeemed soul. You have been reborn, he reminded himself. His service to God today had required the sin of murder, and it was a sacrifice Delmon Young knew he would have to hold silently in his heart for all eternity.

The measure of your faith is the measure of the pain you can endure, the Teacher had told him. Delmon Young was no stranger to pain and felt eager to prove himself to the Teacher, the one who had assured him his actions were ordained by a higher power.

“Hago la obra de Dios [I do the work of God],” Delmon Young whispered, moving now toward the church entrance.

Who is this mysterious teacher? What does he have to do with Opus Dei? Why does Delmon Young suspect this is all a Zionist conspiracy? Tell us more about these sexual horrors! Perhaps we’ll find out next time in Delmon Young’s romp through the filthy bowels Western Literature.