Archive for Uncategorized

Welcome to NotGraphs’ annual (starting now) ranking of the Top 25 Prospectors in history.

This is an ever-evolving list, as we celebrate the men and women, real and fictional, who defile our cherished Mother Earth, scarring her and removing her mineral wealth in the name of personal gain. We celebrate these great prospectors, of course, because who doesn’t love gold and whatnot, and many of them made a ton of money, which is an accurate representation of their worth as people. These prospectors are ranked based on a combination of the importance of their discovery, the amount of money they died with, their contributions to popular culture, colorful language, and how I’m feeling this morning.

25 – Gabriel Read

Found gold in New Zealand. Who cares?

24 – Father Manuel Lopez

Allegedly found gold in Arizona in 1774, and made the Papago Indians local mine it all for him. Not cool.

23 – Antoin Stander

Discovered gold on Eldorado Creek in Alaska, lost all his money, was a horrible drunk, and had to pay his way out of Alaska by working in a ship’s kitchen.

22 – Edward Hargraves

First to discover gold in Australia, after failing in California.

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ROUND 1
1. Mark McGwire, LAD
2. Alan Trammell, ARI
3. Dennis Martinez, HOU
4. Andy Van Slyke, SEA
5. Chili Davis, OAK
6. Don Baylor, LAA
7. Howard Johnson, SEA
8. Terry Steinbach, MIN
9. Tom Brunansky, MIN
10. Kevin Seitzer, TOR

ROUND 2
1. Steve Sax, ARI
2. Tim Wallach, LAD
3. Wally Joyner, DET
4. Omar Vizquel, DET
5. Jay Bell, CIN
6. Juan Samuel, PHI
7. Dave Righetti, SFG
8. Sandy Alomar, CLE
9. Joe McEwing, CHW
10. Roger McDowell, ATL

ROUND 3
1. Davey Lopes, LAD
2. Dave Magadan, TEX
3. Alfredo Griffin, LAA
4. Gary DiSarcina, LAA
5. Tim Bogar, TEX
6. Daryl Boston, CHW
7. Juan Nieves, BOS
8. Dave Roberts, SDP
9. Rick Schu, WAS
10. Greg Colbrunn, BOS

Lopes definitely dropped, right?

The present author–a man in deep need of competitive stimulation–has been vigilantly tracking the results of an online poll he posted on these very pages just last week. Such is the state of his life right now. What he has found has been nothing short of pure, jubilant sex. You continue to get a sense of the author’s life. But really: tracking the results of the online poll has revealed a tight, sensitive race moaning with intrigue, betrayal, and lead changes. Mainly lead changes. Sexy lead changes.

RECAP: Last Thursday I generated some ideas for useless metrics by thinking of a word, writing that word in ALL CAPS, then writing out what that WORD might mean were it to measure some aspect of Major League Baseball. I then asked you to vote for your favorite pseudometric, keeping in mind that after this metric is created it can never be undone and will forever change the landscape of statistics (if the landscape of statistics was a Saharan dune and this metric was a dying breeze, shifting three to five grains of sand). I didn’t really say all that but you get the picture. I’m not great at brevity. Just go back and read the post.
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Colin Zarzycki wrote a post with this title on RotoGraphs this week. Unfortunately he didn’t reveal how we can purchase one of these pens for ourselves. Fortunately, I have done the necessary investigation. This is most likely the Dodgers pen he is referring to.

The Aurora Diamante… is covered with over 30 carats of De Beers diamonds on a solid platinum barrel. It has a two-tone, rhodium-treated, 18KT solid gold nib and is personalized with a coat of arms, signature, or portrait.
[LINK]

And at $1.3 million, it isn’t quite as expensive as the entire Astros roster, but it’s close.

On Saturday night, the Dodgers loaned their stadium to the L.A. Kings for a bizarre outdoor ice hockey game in 64-degree Los Angeles, an exciting tribute to refrigeration, sponsored by the Los Angeles Department of Water and Power.

Of course, it’s nothing compared to what will be happening one night this July, when the Kings loan their stadium to the Dodgers for the first baseball game on ice since the Cincinnati Red Stockings took on the Alberta Ice Fishermen in the 1894 Transamerica Series. Carl Crawford, Hanley Ramirez, and Josh Beckett are already set to get injured in the contest, while Yasiel Puig will be driving the Zamboni.

   Gee Brain, what do you want to do tonight?

   The same thing we do every night, Pinky: TRY TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD! Read the rest of this entry »

This has been the Tao of Gomes.

Get to know new Tampa Bay Ray Brad Boxberger.

He likes running water.

No running water in hotel… Great job @HolidayInn

— Brad Boxberger (@Brad_Boxberger) August 6, 2013

He hates slavery.

Congrats to @Brad_Boxberger on his 1st game with 4 strikeouts in 2 innings! On Team @NFS, he's pledged to #endslavery with every SO in 2013.

— Ethan Batstone (@ebatstone) May 6, 2013

He likes chocolate and bananas.

Breakfast of champions #chocolat #chocolatebanana pic.twitter.com/gexC5UgOZx

— Brad Boxberger (@Brad_Boxberger) May 6, 2013

He hates censorship.

Tell Congress: Don’t censor the web! http://t.co/7e8qBMUd

— Brad Boxberger (@Brad_Boxberger) January 18, 2012

He shops at Kroger.

Nicest grocery store in America http://t.co/2NdgD7rw

— Brad Boxberger (@Brad_Boxberger) October 24, 2012

And, hey, Coca-Cola, give this man an endorsement deal!

I think @CocaCola would taste even better in the arctic cold weather while talking to a polar bear.

— Brad Boxberger (@Brad_Boxberger) February 6, 2012

Happy New Year! Am I late on that? I don’t care! It’s still January and I still accidentally write 2013 on everything I have to date, ladies included. With time continuing to degrade our bodies year-by-year, I think it’s high time we think about the important stuff again. Stuff like: what can I measure for no reason? Specifically, what useless, trivial, unimportant but highly distracting thing can I measure? Answer: Shit tons. You can measure anything! Except for the impact God is having on the men in your Bible study.

Last summer I created a measure called COOL meant to parody NERD. I prefer COOL to NERD because it makes me laugh harder. I also love myself the most. I once again have the itch to do some measuring. I could maybe satisfy this itch by delving into something meaningful–something illuminating that adds to our sabermetric body of knowledge. But I know, duh, that nothing is meaningful, really, and I’d be wasting my time thinking so. Instead, the closest I can find to meaningful activity is one that will make me laugh, hopefully others, too, if only because I laugh harder when others are laughing. So I must measure something meaningless, or at the very least, something that resembles something meaningful but disintegrates at even the slightest scrutiny. A la COOL.

I generated some ideas for metrics by first thinking of a word in my brain (Brodmann area 47/46, perhaps), any word, and then coming up with what that word might measure were it a metric. You will find these proto-metrics, these seeds of weeds, below. And below them you will have the opportunity to exercise the privilege of voting. I will delicately craft a perfectly destitute metric out of the highest vote-getter.
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1. Juan Pablo Galavis (current star of TV’s reality train-wreck, The Bachelor). Galavis comes equipped with what Parade magazine (my usual go-to for baseball-related news, right after The Economist) calls an “attractive accent and hunky body,” making him a top choice for teams lacking sufficient handsomeness. Nevertheless, he has found himself in hot water given his recent comments about how a gay or bisexual star of The Bachelor would not be a good role model. (As opposed to the excellent role models that all straight reality television stars are.) Thus, a change of scenery might be good for Galavis. Perhaps to your favorite team, where he offers all the risk of a person who makes offensive comments and none of the reward of actually being able to play baseball.

2. New Jersey governor Chris Christie. Christie could certainly use a new place to ply his craft, whatever that craft might be, after troubles this month involving something about bridge traffic, and how if Chris Christie is standing on a bridge, traffic is blocked in every lane, in both directions. He would make a perfect high-risk, no-reward addition to any team, especially in the short term, since he currently seems likely to be a free agent before his next election. If not sooner. Christie offers your team unmatched plate coverage.

3. Mitik, a frail orphaned walrus. According to The New York Times, Mitik is already on the move, having left New York for Texas, where he will sit out an aquarium renovation, because the unrenovated aquarium is too cold. Most teams could definitely find a place for a temperature-sensitive walrus, especially those in warmer climates. Perhaps the best fit is the Astros, since Mitik is already in Texas, and a frail, orphaned walrus would be an upgrade at most positions. (Though maybe not at first base, where it would be a wash.) He looks to go into spring training unsigned, unless he learns sign language.