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You’ll recall that the Giants, in celebration of winning the belt and the title, cooked up a little contest called the “World Series Baby,” which celebrated and encouraged unprotected sex in and around San Francisco. On that front, we have a winner. Please meet Brooklynn Bird …

If there’s one thing I take seriously, it’s impregnating the Ladies of America, which is a thing that I have done before. Still, it’s hard for me to get past the look of angsty betrayal on the hound’s face. “And so it begins,” he’s surely thinking, encumbered by the knowledge that he’s but an infant’s dander allergy away from a trip to Uncle Tony’s.

If I’m reading sight-lines correctly, it appears that the dog is directing his mounting hostility toward the mother. The 1950s taught us that an unwelcome pregnancy is always the woman’s fault, and it’s oddly heartening to know this lesson has crossed species.

(Impregnation of thanks: With Leather)

Dude I’ve got great tickets for the game tonight.
Sweet! When are you picking me up.
Well, uh…
Dude. You are NOT bringing Nick. He doesn’t even like baseball.
Yeah, well, you like it a little much.
Whatever. What time are you picking me up.
I was thinking about asking Jen.
She’ll hate you for it.
Fine. I’ll get you at six. Be out front.
Thanks dude. You won’t regret it.
I already do.
…
Look, I can see the pitches man. Right down the pipe.
What are you taking out of your – No. Put that away.
Steeerike one.

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So from time to time teams do cool events for fans. And I must give it to the Dodgers for their 7th annual State Farm Dodgers Dream Foundation Bowling Extravaganza. Most of the team (the big names) roll with families benefitting from the foundation as well as some incredible B-List celebrities. B-List is very generous, with the exception of James Denton. Hoobastank band member…not celebrities, sorry event planners, they just aren’t.

But here are some photos…

Well, that was a trouncing. Gorman Thomas and his flowing locks cared not for the young upstart mustache of Moose Haas, especially with the kid’s lack of a hat. Thomas moves on to the next round. Up is up and down is down in the Brewers world. Time to move along.

Now it’s time for our final #2/#7 pairing. We’ll reach across decades this time, and though the visual contrast is jarring, this might be the most mild-mannered matchup of the tournament. Which way do you hang? It’s time for another edition of Baseball Card Tourney!

#2 1981 Topps Sparky Lyle
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NotGraphs readers who are also fans of science (or charlatans who pretend to be fans of science but have just seen that one episode of the Fox program House) are likely familiar with the heuristic known as Occam’s Razor. If you are unfamiliar with Occam’s Razor, it essentially states that when presented with two or more competing hypotheses, we should tend to the one that requires making the fewest new assumptions.

But I am not here today to talk about Occam’s Razor. I am here to introduce to you an exciting new heuristic that can help us better understand and even predict human behavior. Well, the behavior of one human.

It is called Bud’s Razor and I have defined it as such:

Given any issue on which he must make a decision, the wrongest decision is the one Bud Selig is most likely to make.

While this has been in the testing phase for the better part of a decade, the recent three game suspension handed down to Shane Victorino and only Shane Victorino for a brawl that saw Ramon Ramirez peg him with a pitch and charge the plate and saw Eli Whiteside (feebly attempt to) tackle Placido Polanco — which I accurately predicted using Bud’s Razor — has confirmed its usefulness.

Not quite convinced? Let us look at some test cases.

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So you put it on the hogs or in the hogs?

It may sound like hogwash is meant to clean hogs, particularly right after castration. Most likely, though, the term was coined to describe a pig swill that was intended to feed our porcine friends. In the same way, we might get all up in arms about the hogwash in our national pastime, and yet we eat it up. This week in Google Baseball, we’ll tackle the dual meanings of this old-school word.

The true nature of the nuance in this word is not about feeding an appetite, though. It’s more about the cleanliness or legitimacy of the thing being described. Hogwash is ridiculous — because the word sounds laughable — and anything is therefore rendered silly by being paired with the adjective. Even when John Thorn says something serious about steroids, the use of the word brings a hint of a smile with it.

“This whole thing about McGwire simply permits sportswriters to imagine themselves to be Woodward and Bernstein, people who see themselves as guardians of a sacred portal, the last best hope for truth and justice – and it’s all hogwash and baloney.” – John Thorn, baseball historian

What do we find when we play Google Baseball with the word? We find the unwritten rules of baseball. Ridiculous! We find spray charts. Ludicrous! The derby jinx. Debunked! Weekly highlights of the Lehigh Valley IronPigs. Clever! Dirk Nowitzki as a pitcher? Clearly farcical. Most of these examples use the word to emphasize the absurdity of a thing.

Instead, how about Team Hogwash, a slow-pitch softball team giving up about 13 runs a game on average? Or an oyster topping called “Hog Wash” from Hog Island? Clearly these two entries into this week’s edition of Google Baseball are a step above. They show a sense of pride in the word, an enjoyment of the zany. They own it.

Clearly we’ve learned one thing from today’s game. If that thing wasn’t the true nature of the word, it was the best way to find nourishment from hogwash.

Embrace the hogwash.

A southpaw of suds.

Beer is worth traveling for. Most times its to your nearest bar with crafts on tap, but many times its to your nearest beer festival with brewers plying their wares.

Some times it’s worth traveling to a ballpark for a non-baseball-reason. Not all of the ballparks boast only mass-brewed urine waters. Your rare stadium makes beer a priority and features suds worthy of a pilgrimage.

San Diego’s PetCo Park is just one such stadium.

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Last week was one of the hardest-fought battles of the tourney so far. The smooth stylings of Keith Hernandez went up against the brash bravado of Wally Backman and it looks like we have our second upset in a row. Wally Backman moves on. Keith Hernandez and his mustache power were defeated by young Wally in his utterness. Another #7 moves on! Are the number two seeds cursed?

This week, it’s time for another team-themed battle. The Brew Crew puts forward two young men in their primes for the third #2/#7 pairing. Once again, there’s a favorite. What will happen this week on Baseball Card Tourney?

#2 1980 Topps Gorman Thomas
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It is safe to say there is no question who would occupy the first spot on a hypothetical NotGraphs Mount Rushmore: the venerable Country Joe West, in all his glory. After Sir West, there is room for some debate, between a variety of figures:

Dick Allen – A big item among the, uh, less young members of the staff. Great hair, which would be profoundly difficult to properly recreate in stone.

Charlie Blackmon – A tremendous source of joy to one and all. But mostly Carson. Would surely increase handsomeness factor of monument, drastically needed after the necessary inclusion of West.

Delmon Young – Even if he’s not originally added, his history fiend ways will see him on our monument in the end.

Mark Reynolds When asked about his potential inclusion on a NotGraphs Mount Rushmore, Reynolds was quite apathetic.

Eliezer Alfonzo The initial protagonist of the thrilling “Secrets of Snake Juice” series, Alfonzo has earned his spot as a dark horse candidate.

Wily Mo “Bad Miracle” Pena – Duh.

The choices are plentiful, even with the probably untrue assumption I didn’t forget any deserving persons. I leave it to you, NotGraphs: who deserves to be on the NotGraphs Mount Rushmore?

The above footage from Tuesday’s Giants-Dodgers broadcast has been making its way around the internet. As you will see in the video, a young man, having missed a shot at a foul ball proceeds to pout, get noticed by the gentlemen in the broadcast booth, and have a ball hand-delivered to his seat. The video has been celebrated by some as an example of the great things humans are capable of if we are just nicer to each other.

I see something far more insidious at work.

The message here is, apparently, that pouting pays. This boy went home with far more than just a baseball on Tuesday — he went home confirmed in the belief that no pout goes unrewarded. The Giants’ broadcasters have set a very dangerous precedent not just for this boy’s parents, but for this boy himself, and the future of our society as a whole.

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