Archive for Uncategorized

MLB.com Understates Brett Wallace’s Thunder Thighs

On the repository of human knowledge known as “Urban Dictionary,” the third definition of “thunder thighs” is “a pair of big ass thighs.”

Observe, Brett Wallace:

Judging purely by the definition above (i.e, “a pair of big ass thighs”), Brett Wallace has thunder thighs. But, as you will most keenly observe, MLB.com’s GameDay most certainly sells said thunder thighs short:

Unfortunately (or perhaps fortunately), Gameday simply doesn’t have the ability to project total realism. I guess all technologies have their limitations. In Gameday’s case, it’s thunder thighs.


David Ortiz and the F Word: A Comprehensive Look

The Boston Red Sox have been in an intense, high-stress playoff race as their team has crumbled during September, allowing the Tampa Bay Rays to climb back into the Wild Card race. Although this is bad news for Boston, this is good news for everybody else. Not just because of schadenfreude (although largely because of schadenfreude), but also because this means we get to hear David Ortiz say The F Word (i.e., “fuck”), one of my personal favorite pasttimes and something Ortiz is actually quite experienced with. Observe:

August 2009, on not receiving an RBI on what he thought was a base hit: “Fucking scorekeeper keeps fucking shit up.”

April 2010, on what he thought of sportswriters making claims on small sample sizes, including bonus non-fuck swears: “You guys wait ’til shit happens, then you can talk shit. Two fucking games, and already you fuckers are going crazy. What’s up with that, man? Fuck. Fucking 160 games left. That’s a bitch (note: unsure which expletive actually goes here). One of you fuckers got to go ahead and hit for me.”

June 2011, on Joe Girardi’s disdain for bat flips: “Fuck that shit.”

Monday, on losing the first half of a doubleheader to the Baltimore Orioles: “Fuck this shit.”

Tuesday, on Curt Schilling: “Fuck off.”

August 2011, on leaving 16 men on base: “Fuck.”

A diverse usage of one of the English language’s greatest sentence enhancers from Big Papi. One can only hope the Red Sox remain mired in their struggles just to see where he’ll go next.


Tweet! Dallas Braden Is Not The Father!

Dallas Braden is excited.

See? I told you.

You, the reader, may not fully understand just how excited Dallas Braden is. I, the author, somewhat fortunately, do not understand just how excited Dallas Braden is. But you know who does? People on the Maury Povich show. Like this guy:

And this guy:

In fact, I think Braden actually might have been on Maury one of those times… I think we have the footage (which will be embiggened upon clickage):

Well, just allow me to say congratulations to Dallas on both fronts (the being able to throw and the not being the father).

Many thanks to Holy Maury Mother Of God for existing and having these great images.


Met Joins Dark Side, Seems Happy with Decision


Met reliever Ryota Igarashi officially joined the dark side Tuesday.

After years of bad press from George Lucas and his various iterations of the Star Wars saga, the dark side of the Force — via its main practitioners, the Sith people — has recently sought to rebrand its image.

Among the group’s most recent converts? Met relief pitcher Ryota Igarashi.

Igarashi was recently approached by Sith representatives regarding a potential conversion, and made said conversion official yesterday during a ceremonial lightsaber dedication at New York’s Citi Field.

Read the rest of this entry »


Pole-n-Kuntz’s 2011 All Porn-Name Team

Dick Pole and Rusty Kuntz just came out with their position by position rankings of players with the best porn names from the 2011 season. The competition was especially tough in the outfield and among pitchers.

C: Dusty Brown
1B: Justin Smoak
2B: Nick Punto
SS: J.J. Hardy
3B: Justin Turner
LF: Lance Berkman
CF: Drew Stubbs
RF: Willie Harris

Starting Pitchers:
Phil Hughes
Doug Fister
R.A. Dickey
Josh Johnson
Chien-Ming Wang

Relief Pitchers:
Nathan Adcock
Charlie Furbush
John Danks
Kameron Loe
The Wood Brothers Triple Teamers (Kerry, Travis and Blake)


Granny Ramirez & the Performance Enhancing Hugs


Just your typical Triple-A lifer.

If only Fernando Perez was a better ball player. Then again, if he was, it might be unfair to the rest of the men in the world. He’s — forgive the fawning — an excellent renaissance man even without good baseball results at the time being.

Read the rest of this entry »


Google Baseball Brouhaha


Brawlin’ Brouhaha.

The word embraces two sides of an invisible line somewhere. A ‘brouhaha’ is a uproar and hubbub of some sort, there’s no doubt about that. But, even if the word might make you think of cold brews and a good laugh, the particular shade of that uproar, however, is up to debate. It’s not all bubbles and blow jobs.

Many definitions focus on the sounds and sights of a brouhaha. But most contain a hint of the negative, though. Here it’s a “commotion” or a “confused noise”, there it’s “clamor” or “confusion” over a “minor or ridiculous cause.” There are other signs of the dark side. Synonyms like “fracas” and “melee,” for one. And the origin, from French:

Origin:
1885–90; < French, orig. brou, ha, ha! exclamation used by characters representing the devil in the 16th-cent. drama; perhaps < Hebrew, distortion of the recited phrase bārūkh habbā ( beshēm ădhōnai ) “blessed is he who comes (in the name of the Lord)” (Ps. 118:26)

There’s definitely something to this. To call something a brouhaha is to belittle it slightly.

We can follow the same path of discovery if we start our game of google baseball: brouhaha. Plenty of uproars. Fights! Cheating! Violence against old men! Angry old men doing violence! You know, your typical baseball-related uproars.

But then you run into a few references that give you pause. The sort of thing that makes you think “they’re using this silly word because this whole thing is not very serious.” Like, to talk about the brouhaha between Dusty Baker and Bobby Valentine about icing a reliever while on a goodwill tour in Japan, that is to take slight digs at the whole situation. Or when the word is used to as a transition between a World Series win and a Quidditch match, you know it means the author is laughing inside just a little bit. But when you see the word used to describe a fictional tournament between “the most scandalous juice-heads in the business,” you hear the derisive tone loud and clear.

In the end, though, we know that alliteration wins the day, even (especially?) when used in a derogatory fashion. And so therefore, this poem from Schech’s Place represents a home run in today’s google: baseball brouhaha.

BASEBALL BROUHAHA
When beer hits brain
in Fenway’s bleachers,
that bellicose breed of
bragging, banging,
bare-chested beer bellies
begin bellowing and bleating
like beached, blubbery belugas
boiling to breed.

Alas, there are no endangered species
in Section 41.

September 22, 1991

Thanks to Hannah for the word. Shenanigans and hogwash came before.


Ballpark Beer Review: AT&T Park


What was that you were saying again.

Walk up the first base side of the 100 level at ATT Park and you spot the premium brew stands every once in a while. Sierra Nevada. Heineken. Anchor Steam. Blue Moon. Meh. Better than the alternatives but nothing to really pen the proverbial letter home (or beer review) about.

Turn the corner towards the outfield and your appraisal of the park shifts more positive immediately. For one, you’re looking out at the bay, down at McCovey Cove. And then you scan left and you get a view like the cameraphone snapshot above. Does it really matter what beer you have in your hand when appreciating that view?

Read the rest of this entry »


Baseball Card Tourney: Dawson vs Biggio

In the last #2/#7 battle of the tournament, Sparky Lyle triumphed. His ‘stache was not trash, and it overcame Don Mattingly’s strange over-sized comic-strip-backed entry into the competition. Twirl those ends!

And so we move to the #3/#6 battles. If the tourney seeding committee, comprised of me, has seeded these things well, the voting will be tight. This week, both cards come from the same set, but the players are found at very different points of their career.


1989 Topps Andre Dawson
Read the rest of this entry »


Ask Uncle Carson: The Case of the Blue Wigs

Please believe me, reader, when I say, first of all, that I’m nowhere near as old as — and considerably less bedraggled than — my colleague Dayn Perry. Please believe me also, though, when I say that, as a 31-year-old man, I’ve learned some things in this life — some things that I’d like very much to pass on, just as men Dayn’s age, before their respective and uniformly disturbing deaths, have passed on to me.

It’s for this reason that it warmed the cockles of my heart today to receive a tweet from Will, a UTK freshman and (it would seem) Pieter Bruegel enthusiast. Will is looking for an explanation as regards the image you see embedded above. Let’s see if Uncle Carson can’t satisfy Will’s curiosity!

Read the rest of this entry »