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First off, I believe an apology is in order to all of the dedicated saberers who will be attending the SABR Analytics Conference in Phoenix in just over two weeks. When I was making arrangements for the inaugural Notalytics Conference, I was unaware that SABR’s event was scheduled for the same weekend, so I apologize in advance for the fact that your event will not be as well attended as it has been in years past.

The Notalytics Conference will be held at the Tipperary Lodge in beautiful Buffalo, South Dakota (just 141 miles north of Mount Rushmore). Registration is not required, so if you’re in the area, feel free to just drop on by. Here’s a rundown of the panels and presentations that are sure to make this a memorable event:

THURSDAY, MARCH 15

Panel Discussions:

1:30-2:45 p.m.: The Changing Face of Baseball Facial Hair Trends
Speakers: Carson Cistulli, NotGraphs; Dayn Perry, NotGraphs; Rollie Fingers, Baseball. Moderator: Eric Augenbraun

6:00-7:00 p.m.: Towards a Critical Theory of Peter Gammons Tweets
Speakers: Avital Ronell, Professor of Philosophy at the European Graduate School; Eric Augenbraun, NotGraphs; Slavoj Zizek, University of Ljubljana, European Graduate School. Moderator: Carson Cistulli.

Individual Presentations:

3:00-3:45 p.m.: IP1—Navin Vaswani, “Shit Joe West Has Ejected and Where”
3:00-3:45 p.m.: IP2—Summer Anne Burton, “Tweet Illustrating Explained”
3:45-4:30 p.m.: IP3—Eno Sarris, “How To Write For Every Baseball Site On The Internet”

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From Newsday’s David Lennon:

Collins really raved about Duda today. One his most amazing traits? “He initiates conversation,” the manager said. #mets

— David Lennon (@DPLennon) February 27, 2012

Some of Lucas Duda’s other “amazing traits” that impress Terry Collins:

1. He swallows food.
2. He opens doors.
3. He ties his shoes.
4. He breathes.
5. He hasn’t killed anybody yet.
6. He showed up for Spring Training, even though he’s on the Mets.
7. He flushes the toilet.
8. He uses the right glove.
9. He doesn’t text in movie theaters.
10. He calls his parents.

Fred Wilpon, on the other hand, wishes Duda would just shut up already, because the conversations he keeps initiating are about Bernie Madoff.

Thanks to Carson for finding the Tweet.

FanGraphs Chat: Tuesday, February 31, 2032

FanGraphs — It’s another hazy day in the cloud of intergalactic debris, so let’s get chatting!

Hayden (NYC) — Best team in the (North) American League, right now?

FanGraphs — Gotta be the Rays, coming off six straight pennants. David Price still going strong at 47, and there is no better fan base in the game, now that much of the rest of the continent is uninhabitable. Rays all the way.

Tom (Pawnee) — How about that Prince Fielder signing?

FanGraphs — I know, who’d have thought he’d age this well? I think thirteen more years is a safe risk, with limb regeneration technology where it is right now. And, the veteran influence is only going to help those young aliens on the way. We may actually see a flag (aside from the Canadian one!) flying over Wrigley before the end of the contract.

Logan (Miami Island) — Jeff Mathis, first ballot Hall of Famer?

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Of course it is the fantasy baseball season now.

So, what have you named YOUR team? Carson Cistulli recently mentioned the Second Fangraphs Writers Ottoneu league — here shortened to THE AWESOME LEAGUE — during his podcast with Dayn Perry (FanGraphs Audio: The Gainfully Employed Dayn Perry) and the topic of team names briefly surfaced in their 43 minutes of otherwise unredeemable radio ranting.

There are lots of great fantasy baseball team names out there, and because THE AWESOME LEAGUE (my league) is comprised (a) entirely of writers and (b) partly of NotGraphs writers, who are the beatnik poets of the FanGraphs staff, we NotGraphers have the burdensome task of out-awesoming our peers in the most shortest form of poetry — yes, the fantasy baseball team name.

But, as we are all writers and thereby unreliable, backstabbing, self-loathing types, we cannot be trusted judges of our own team names — it is obviously that mine is best, but still we should put it to a vote and find who is the obviously second and the obviously worstest.

So, dear NotGraphs rabble, speak your soul:

Though I don’t even have like permission to share these THE AWESOME LEAGUE team names, I think we should compel the lowest vote-getter (by, oh, let’s say Wednesday) to change their fantasy team name.

What should they change it too? (tell me in the comments)

Every spring, much fun is made regarding players adding muscle or losing weight or having done yoga, or eating 20 raw eggs upside down every morning, or carving pentagrams into their pectorals.

Even the aptly named Bob Hamelin, whose dumpy bottoms are forever burned into my memory, participated in the “best shape of his career” gimmick:

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In honor of President’s Day:

C: Gary Carter

1B: Ike Davis
2B/MGR: Davey Johnson
SS: Elliot Johnson
3B: Charlie Hayes

OF: Shoeless Joe Jackson
OF: Reggie Jackson
OF: Joe Carter

DH: Reggie Jefferson

SP: Walter Johnson
SP: Whitey Ford
SP: Randy Johnson
SP: Madison Bumgarner
SP: Billy Pierce

CL: Brian Wilson
RP: Mike Jackson
RP: Mike Adams
RP: Tyler Clippard
RP: Grant Balfour
RP: Arthur Rhodes

There were almost a dozen other outfielders I could have included, half a dozen starting pitchers, a couple of catchers, and, for whatever reason, pretty much no shortstops. Adam Kennedy at utility infield. Herb Washington as pinch runner. Ron Washington is the backup manager if it’s too much for Davey to manage and also play second base. This team has a killer bullpen.

Presenting FanGraphs- 2012. Unless you pay us $4.99, here’s what happens:

Player Stat Mixups- A random swapping of numbers on your screen every time you move your mouse. Jeff Francoeur hit -1.3 home runs? Yovani Gallardo’s ERA was 53.6%? Maybe. Maybe not. With FanGraphs-, you’ll never know.

Articles- 11 superficial pieces to help you lose your fantasy league:

-Players who would be keepers if they existed
-BEERf/x and other numbers to help you analyze your favorite team’s concession offerings
-Keeper Conundrum: Nick Punto or Kelly Shoppach?
-Improve your draft strategy by stabbing yourself in the eye with a letter opener
-The difficulty in predicting intentional walks
-Unlabeled graphs that don’t mean anything
-Labeled graphs that mean even less
-Strategies for league formats that don’t exist
-Prospects for high school math teams in suburban Boston
-The 1st Annual NotGraphs Mustache Draft
-Looking for Philadelphia A’s who aren’t dead yet

Very Quick Opinions- Over 1100 one-word judgments about every player who played in the majors last season, mostly in Arabic.

FanGraphs- Complete Internet Takeover- All of your favorite websites, replaced with random posts from the FanGraphs archives, as well as images of Randy Johnson replacing all actors and actresses on any adult websites you happen to accidentally visit.

(Moral of this post: check out Fangraphs+)

One thing that NotGraphs readers might not know about me is that I’m a huge fan of alternate history stories. This is one reason that I found this Bleacher Report article/slideshow so utterly enthralling. 

So enthralling, indeed, that I felt compelled to take the premise and run with it. Please find my Jesus Montero “What Would Have Been” moment submissions below.

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When I look at R.A. Dickey, I see only one thing — and that thing is not even R.A. Dickey himself.

This man climbed Kilimanjaro.

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