The Internetting Gentleman may have encountered tawdry hearsay that the Miami Marlins, denizens of the Sunshine State, where everything — save for the weather, people, housing market, and milieu — is great, recently dropped a new theme song like something that is on the verge of scalding the very hands that bear it. Recognize:

But then the story, like an indolently raveled thing, began unraveling. The Marlins did not, in point of fact, grant their imprimatur to such a malodorous tune! Jeffrey Loria is a professional aesthete, so how, pray tell, would he green-light such an Up-With-Peopled mess?

Here’s how: the world is shit, and yet it manages to spin. This may not be the Marlins’ theme song, but, for me and mine — so all of us, really — this is the Marlins’ theme song.

In the Sunshine State, it turns out, everything is mothertrucking great.

David Appelman’s feet at any given moment.

This past weekend I had the pleasure of spending three days and two nights in the American desert with, like, 17 fellow FanGraphs writers. You learn a lot about people when you’re forced to share rooms with them, squeeze each other into a Ford Taurus, and watch Yoenis Cespedes profess his love for Castro by launching bombs into orbit together. The dignity-less Dayn Perry already told you everything you need to know about our dark overlord David Appelman, but here’s some amazing (and mostly true) facts about the rest of the staff…

Dave Cameron — Totally not above bringing up the whole cancer thing to get people to agree with him during an argument.

Michael Barr — Currently taking a break from his lucrative career as a Calvin Klein model to write about baseball.

Dayn Perry — Incapable of feeling shame, Dayn is eagerly awaiting the next time his wife says “I suppose we could.”

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Tampa Bay Rays prized left-handed prospect Matt Moore makes his first appearance of the spring (at 1:05pm ET, available on Gameday Audio) after dealing with an abdominal strain.

For those unfamiliar with the entirety of Moore’s professional career to date, here are some selections from his entry in the 2012 Tampa Bay Rays Media Guide:

• Was Gatorade’s 2007 New Mexico Player of the Year at Moriarty High School, which finished as state runners-up… also played basketball and golf… played first base and outfield when he wasn’t pitching… agreed to attend University of New Mexico before signing with the Rays.

• Led all minor league pitchers in 2008 with a 12.75 SO/9 IP ratio and .154 opp avg… named Pitcher of the Year for Rookie-level Princeton, where he spent a second straight season… led the Rays org. in ERA and ranked 6th among all minor league pitchers… topped the Appalachian League in strikeouts.

• Matt’s favorite pitcher growing up was his own future self.

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It’s true:

“I was just drying my head off in between innings,” he said. “It’s happened to me two times before. The towel just catches the back of my head and it pulls my neck forward. I just felt it a little bit in back of my neck and just wanted to be cautious with it. … It’s spasms, there’s a little pop and it just spasms up and gets a little tight.”

Dude loves to towel off. In other words, this is how David Price feels in between innings:

And at the end of the day?

The Detroit Free Press is reporting today that Cy Young and MVP-award winner Justin Verlander will adorn the box of his very own cereal. Proceeds of Verlander’s Fastball Flakes, manufactured by Pittsburgh-based PLB Sports, will benefit VA Hospitals in Detroit and Ann Arbor.

What other designs did PLB consider before giving the go-ahead to Verlander’s cereal? Our Investigative Reporting Investigation Team has acquired that information, and shares it now with you, in easy-to-read English™.

Here are five baseball-themed cereals that PLB won’t be making:

Name: Tony Plush’s Cereal Grains for Gentlemen
Rejected Because: Manufacturers were concerned about public reaction to suggestion that single-malt scotch is “part of a complete breakfast.”

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Jason Kendall, who had what is probably going to be career-ending shoulder surgery last summer, who was accused of abusing Adderal by his ex-wife (with whom he is engaging in a nasty child custody battle), and who in recent years has looked haggard as hell

or even meth-addled

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Once, Glen Gorbous was included by the Cincinnati Redlegs in a trade to the Phillies for Smoky Burgess, the 29th best ML catcher of all time.

Once, in 1957, after his major league career was already over and while playing American Association ball in Omaha, Glen Gorbous threw a baseball 445 feet, 10 inches, which remains a record today.^[1]

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Dear friends,

I’m sorry.  Today, I wanted to write an article about that sport we all love.  No, not professional jai alai.  That’s much purer at the amateur level, where gamblers have only managed to corrupt and fix half of the matches.  I’m speaking, of course, about baseball.  It was going to be a great NotGraphs post, full of obscure references to 18th century British architecture, 19th century German philosophy, great 20th century mustaches, and of course, Dick Allen.

Alas, my go-to (okay, lets face it, my one and only) source for research, Wikipedia, was blanked out all day yesterday when I wanted to be preparing for this post.  It was a total bummer.  There was something about Congress taking away my ability to ever use the Internet again….Meh, it was probably nothing.

Anyway, since I have no way of confirming the following information, here are some important facts that might be true that I can’t verify:
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My favorite base ball-ists from my period of actual, sentient fanhood are as follows: Ozzie Smith, Albert Pujols, John Tudor, and Ray Lankford.

In light of these facts, the following bears mentioning:

I am delighted by this turn of events. Mr. Lankford was galactically underrated during his time on the diamond and the subject of misguided scorn by those inclined to misguidedly scorn. Today, though, Mr. Lankford and I are united through media sociale. And it is wonderful.

I suspect, though, that Mr. Lankford followed me out of righteous pity. After all, I’ve been following him for months, and I recently re-Tweeted one of his vanishingly rare Tweets. He might have followed the trail and discovered that my Twitter background is a mosaic of his Topps rookie card. “The poor dear,” he may have said to himself before hitting the Follow button in the manner that one gives an extra pence to the newsboy. It is my hope that he will one day muss my hair and tell me to run along.

This video footage of Phil Rizzuto maniacally sawing a live woman in half represents only one of roughly 800 video spots the late Yankee shortstop and broadcaster did for consumer financiers The Money Store in the late 1980s and early ’90s — i.e. at precisely the same time giants of rap N.W.A. very-not-coincidentally released their single “Gangsta Gangsta”.

Next week, we’ll look at Rizzuto’s spokeswork for noted clothier American Apparel.