True Facts: Five Rejected Baseball-Themed Cereals

The Detroit Free Press is reporting today that Cy Young and MVP-award winner Justin Verlander will adorn the box of his very own cereal. Proceeds of Verlander’s Fastball Flakes, manufactured by Pittsburgh-based PLB Sports, will benefit VA Hospitals in Detroit and Ann Arbor.

What other designs did PLB consider before giving the go-ahead to Verlander’s cereal? Our Investigative Reporting Investigation Team has acquired that information, and shares it now with you, in easy-to-read English™.

Here are five baseball-themed cereals that PLB won’t be making:

Name: Tony Plush’s Cereal Grains for Gentlemen
Rejected Because: Manufacturers were concerned about public reaction to suggestion that single-malt scotch is “part of a complete breakfast.”

Name: Ichir-O’s
Rejected Because: Every serving contained, like, 35 grams of Wa, a substance untested by the FDA.

Name: Jonathan Papelbon’s Xtreme Cereal
Rejected Because: Caused hyperactivity and erratic behavior. Reported one tester: “I feel like a hummingbird with ADD. Also, I just soiled myself. Like, just now, while talking to you.”

Name: Andrew Friedman’s Extra 2%
Rejected Because: Copyright issues arose. Friedman’s cereal was basically like Total, except with 102% of every ingredient.

Name: Mike Napoli’s Sexual Chocolate
Rejected Because: The “special ingredient” supplied by Napoli himself made a lot of people pregnant. Mostly women — but (curiously) some men, too.