Archive for Stupid Photo Essay

Comparing Reactions to the Big Trade: Wade ‘n Me

It has been almost two weeks since the big trade that sent, among others, Wil Myers to Tampa Bay for, among others. James Shields. (I apologize to those who are calling it the big Odorizzi-Leonard trade). So yeah, this is a delayed reaction. But a reaction it is, a reaction through pictures. It is, as it were, a study in contrasts between one of the “others,” Wade Davis, and myself.

Let’s begin by checking out Davis’ palpable excitement at the press conference at which he was introduced as a Royal:

It’s really too much for mere words, isn’t it? The first thing I think of is — wait a minute. The first thing I think of when I see that picture has nothing to do with Wade Davis. The first thing I think is “James Shields is just 31? Are you kidding me? Has anyone checked his birth certificate? Didn’t I give him a quarter at a subway stop in the Bronx 12 years ago?”

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A History of Dumb Baseball Cards

Of course, they were never your first choice. Maybe they were all that the store carried; maybe it was the only Gregg Jefferies you didn’t have yet. Maybe you had time to kill in the drug store while your mom looked at cosmetics, and so you sat cross-legged on the floor, pressing down the cellophane on each pack so that you could read the name on the bottom card. (Was that a Ricky Jordan rookie or a Ron Jones?) No matter the reason, sooner or later, a few Score baseball cards found their way into your collection.

Score probably didn’t deserve the scorn it inevitably received. The quality of the cardstock was better than Donruss, the photography was better than Fleer, and the backs had about ten times as much information as Upper Deck. But despite a bold graphic design at its inception, and about two dozen Bo Jackson cards in its 1990 set, the collectors never developed an attachment to the latecomer. By 1991, Score was already becoming a forgotten brand.

Ultimately, Score’s legacy, its gift to the hobby, is a dubious one: the rise of the subset.

Score didn’t invent the subset, of course. Highlight cards, record breakers and the like have been around since time immemorial; Topps had its Turn Back the Clock series, Donruss its Diamond Kings. Score lacked the history to lean on for a staple brand, and lacked the patience to create them. Instead, they had tasted the fruit of Bo Jackson and saw that it was good, and by 1991 had developed half a dozen subsets to fill out their overcrowded, 893-card regular issue.

The subset is, economically speaking, a reasonable solution to an age-old baseball card conundrum: what do you do with commons? Nobody likes to open a pack of baseball cards and get nothing but Steve Buecheles and Jerry Don Gleatons. But if you take all those guys out and include only the stars, the excitement of landing a Ruben Sierra wears off. Score’s answer: keep the scrubs, but include different versions of the stars to increase the odds of finding a familiar face in a pack. It seems good in theory, but the erosion still takes place: all those secondary cards lose value, and devalue the name of the player they depict along with them. Scarcity is a harsh mistress.

The other problem with subsets is that they’re often pretty dumb. Not all, mind you; highlight and record breaker cards are important, and might actually be the only reason to have baseball cards today. The stats you can find everywhere; baseball cards should commemorate a year, rather than a player, and should stand as a photo album of that season’s highs, lows, and quirks. But after you get those out of the way, how do you squeeze another Jose Canseco into your set?

Score went with two choices. The “Master Blaster” subset and its pitching and defense equivalents framed players against space-age laser lighting similar to what you had as a backdrop to your fifth-grade school pictures. Their “Dream Team” subset, an even stranger choice, employed black-and-white photographs of famous players in an artistic style, sometimes, holding apples, sometimes sans clothing. The Dream Team set was particularly wonderful and bizarre: you had your shirtless Jose Canseco with brewing storm clouds behind him. You had Doug Jones staring into flickering flames leaping from one of his 84mph fastballs. You had Roberto Alomar unable to stand upright.

These subsets, which eliminate statistics in favor of a paragraph or two of filler text on the back, are nothing more than the final projects of a community college graphic design class. As the insert craze exploded, this trend grew worse and worse, with the design being the reason for the card, and the player on it an afterthought. After all, shiny!

But what’s sad is that some of these ridiculous subsets offered a real opportunity to create interesting cards. The “Rifleman” subset examines the best arms in baseball, a subject rarely talked about and never quantified. Rather than say, “Shawon Dunston has a super strong arm y’all”, Score could have clocked his fastball, or at least throw up some defensive statistics that never make the cut on an average card. How about a subset devoted to caught stealing rates? Outfield assists? All-Star vote totals? Some of them may be silly numbers, but they’d be new numbers. Something interesting to look at and talk about. An actual reason to have a card.

In the end, style triumphs over substance, and America got the baseball card it deserved. And it was of Bo Jackson.


Dayton Moore Reacts to Dayton Moore’s Trade

Posted on Tampa Bay Rays blog DRaysBay, one will find the most curious analysis of the recent Rays-Royals super trade that send James Shields and Wade Davis to Kansas City for Wil Myers and every minor league pitcher in the Royals system.

The fair user dennet passes along this visual, extracted from Out of the Park Baseball 2013, in which A.I.-version Royals GM Dayton Moore reacts to the trade real-life-version Dayton Moore greenlit some 17 hours ago:


Click to embiggenize.
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Calling It Quits

Fireman Ed called it quits. He’s no longer… the Jets’ superfan? As much as any man in his position can ‘quit’ his unofficial role, he’s doing so, at least that’s what he’s saying. Maybe he’ll provide inspiration…

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Fanfare for the Leisured Baseballer

(Or: Great Moments in Reclining)

The game of baseball has taken unwarranted criticism over the centuries for being somewhat lethargic. To the untrained eye, the many pauses and activities that occur during said pauses, such as scratching, spitting, and the sewing of loose buttons, gives the viewer the impression that nothing is happening during these intervals. Hardly helping matters is the fact the authors of many of the great baseball confessionals, such as The Long Season, Ball Four, and The Bullpen Gospels, spend most of their books planted on their backsides. This, coupled with the endomorphism of Bob Hamelin, give the layman the false impression that baseball players are lazy, indolent creatures stuffed with sunflower oil, tryptophan and NyQuil.

Now stare at the visage of Dave Chalk. Here we see a man who is in all ways at rest, but it is a far different form of rest than the slanderers claim. His hat lies askew, hair cascades tremulously southward, his hand dangles lifelessly. But not his eyes. Dave Chalk is resting, but he is not relaxing. Knowing that the action of baseball is in the instant, the swing of the bat and the flash of the glove, Dave Chalk stores every iota of his energy, conserves the maximum of his talent and grace and purpose for that one moment. His eyes are the key: they take in everything, but they do not register worry or fatigue. Dave Chalk is simply waiting to be Dave Chalk, and he is content to be nothing in the meantime.

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Four Kinds of ALCS Loneliness

You went to the ALCS. You were not lost because you were not sought.

Inside your rented hovel, located on Tuberculosis Avenue, there is room to die but not room to live. It is but half the size of a better man’s wardrobe, were such a better man not to have a wardrobe at all.

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Put Jason Motte’s Beard on It

Look at that thing. Look at it. The breadth and fullness of Jason Motte’s beard will never cease to inspire awe in me. I’m not celebrating it based on some hipster ideals based in irony and cheekiness, I generally love Jason Motte’s beard. My voice temporarily drops an octave every time I look at it.  Jason Motte’s beard can cut down trees and jump start 18-wheelers. Ladies who brush up against it, even by happenstance, will menstruate on the spot. Jason Motte’s beard is one of the last remaining members of the Bull Moose Party, and is the sheriff of this God-damned town. It can drink a bear under the table, and once bare-knuckle boxed with Sasquatch. Jason Motte’s beard will take you to the Promised Land. Just grab a whisker and hang on.

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Baseball: It’s a Kid’s Game

According to Bob Lemon, “Baseball was made for kids, and grown-ups only screw it up.”

In these dog days of the MLB season, I imagine it might be difficult for players — whether they are under the stress of a pennant race, or whether their team has already conceded to a losing season — to find the inner child and have fun both with baseball and in their lives outside of baseball.

A few players, namely those players featured in the images below, are trying to rekindle their love of the game and resurrect their wonder at being alive by acting like kids again. Hooray!!!


Num-num, I love all the flavors.

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Items from My Youth: Tiny Helmets

“Slow news day.”

Along with my Starting Lineup figurines, I also salvaged these mini helmets from my mother’s latest rummage pile.


Taking advantage of my GF’s clean desk.

I used to get these for a quarter a piece from vending machines at grocery stores.

Once I had enough of them, I would play out entire seasons, the schedules scratched out in notebooks, each game decided by a coin flip. (I was never able to get all of the teams, so I just used duplicates to stand in for the missing teams, putting a tiny scrap of masking tape over the logo on the duplicate and initialing the tape to represent the missing team.) For the playoffs, I would do a coin flip per inning and keep track of the “score.” I sorta wish I still had those notebooks now. It was a life’s work, really.

In an effort to meld the past and the present, I decided to assign each of the helmets to an object/being in my current house. I made some effort to align some aspect of the team with the object/being it got placed with — but don’t read too much into that. Or do. There are some duplicates.
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New! Juan Pierre App for iPhone Lets You Filter Juan Pierre Through the Cultural Filter of Your Choice!

A new app, exclusively for iPhone and available for $4.99, allows you to filter any image of Juan Pierre through a variety of cultural filters. A few examples for your enjoyment:

The Dance Craze Filter:


Uh-huh, uhn!

 
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