Put Jason Motte’s Beard on It

Look at that thing. Look at it. The breadth and fullness of Jason Motte’s beard will never cease to inspire awe in me. I’m not celebrating it based on some hipster ideals based in irony and cheekiness, I generally love Jason Motte’s beard. My voice temporarily drops an octave every time I look at it.  Jason Motte’s beard can cut down trees and jump start 18-wheelers. Ladies who brush up against it, even by happenstance, will menstruate on the spot. Jason Motte’s beard is one of the last remaining members of the Bull Moose Party, and is the sheriff of this God-damned town. It can drink a bear under the table, and once bare-knuckle boxed with Sasquatch. Jason Motte’s beard will take you to the Promised Land. Just grab a whisker and hang on.

I don’t think I’m talking out of turn when I say the pussification of this country has reached critical mass. Everywhere you turn, it’s BabyBjorn this and skinny jean that. We’ve become a nation of mama’s boys – milquetoast blobs searching for validation and our next handout. This country is in trouble. WHY IS NO ONE TALKING ABOUT THIS? We need to do something, fair NotGraphs readers. That something begins with putting Jason Motte’s beard on stuff.

1.)  The Toyota Prius

The Prius is both literally and figuratively anti-American. Not only does it fly in the face of this country’s proud tradition of consuming non-renewable resources, it doesn’t even make any noise! How are we supposed to know who’s stronger and manlier if not by the noise produced by our automobiles?! I hope this car’s GPS allows the owners to find their balls.


Now this thing is ready to tread the real American terrain. Not the highways populated by trust-fund babies and housewives, but logging roads and mountainsides. Now this baby can tow the state of California right into the ocean, where it belongs.

2.) Taxes

Paying taxes sucks ass, which is why I haven’t done it for years.  I work hard for my money, why I should I just give it away? If schools and roads need so much money, put kids to work fixing the roads! Problem solved!  Look at this stupid form, with all of its numbers and boxes and arithmetic. You think you’re better than me?!


I’m still not filling it out, but at least now I don’t want to punch it in the face. Tell you what, form. You want my money? You’re gonna have to arm wrestle me for it. If I win, I keep my money. If you win, I turn you in for treason.

3.) The hit ABC Family television show Pretty Little Liars

Ugh. As if our spoiled teenagers needed to watch a show about spoiled teenagers, ONE OF WHICH IS A MURDERER, BY THE WAY. Oh no, is someone sending you mean text messages and spreading rumors about you on Facebook? You want some cheese to go with that insatiable need to complain all the fucking time?


There. Enough with this cyber-bullying nonsense. You got a beef? Settle it in the streets, like the 28-year-olds-pretending-to-be-16-year-olds you are.

4.) Comedian Rob Delaney’s Twitter avatar

This picture had a beard, and is of a man, but cannot be manly because it stirs strange feelings inside of me. Try as I might, I cannot avert my gaze from his green pleasure area.


Much better. Nothing says “America” better than a crotch beard.

5.) Fox Sports’ Ken Rosenthal

Famed baseball personality and known imp Ken Rosenthal might report on our nation’s greatest game, but his puny stature and fair features are distracting when trying to watch the sport our forefathers would have played had it been invented yet.


Tell me more about Tim Lincecum’s delivery, woodsman!

6.) American Spirit Cigarettes

The only thing American about these is that you can buy them with Obamacare Socialist Tax Subsidy Dollars. Why would anyone ruin the great pastime of smoking by taking out all the additives? Additives are great, that’s why they call them that. They ADD to the splendor of an already splendid habit.


Now THIS is what you smoke when rebuilding a Ford small block, or hand-carving a chifforobe. Beards are, after all, the best additive for anything.


This is only the first step in turning this country around, folks. The rest is up to you. I’m not doing EVERYTHING for you, you ninnies.

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David G. Temple is the Managing Editor of TechGraphs and a contributor to FanGraphs, NotGraphs and The Hardball Times. He hosts the award-eligible podcast Stealing Home. Dayn Perry once called him a "Bible Made of Lasers." Follow him on Twitter @davidgtemple.

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This beard is local?

I’m going to ask you just one more time, and it’s local?