Archive for Readings

the Pittsburgh Pirates shout because they won
and in a sense we’re all winning
we’re alive

— Frank O’Hara, “Steps”

One of the challenges of life is finding new ways to remind ourselves that it (i.e. life) is amazing. Louis CK laments our ability to do this consistently in a popular appearance on Conan O’Brien. But Louis CK has, by no means, cornered the market on attempting to reveal for the benefit of an audience that we’re all, always, winning.

In a sense, the work of poet Frank O’Hara — who, if you’re not familiar with him, was kind of a big deal in the the tiny, tiny world of poems — represents a constant attempt to provoke the reader into re-seeing the world.

In fact, if O’Hara’s work has a flaw, it’s that it suffers from an excess of enthusiasm. In baseball, we learn, only so many opportunities present themselves for the walkoff home run (or walkoff other-type-of-thing) and its attendant joys. Just as the constraints of a baseball game only conspire to create so many revelatory moments, so do the constraints of life. Pretending otherwise is disingenuous; writing poems that pretend otherwise makes those poems feel strained.

But O’Hara’s work is successful enough of the time to be important. And the reader, using discretion, can shape his approach to O’Hara’s work to maximize its benefits. The comparisons to how we might approach life are too obvious to be explicated. The difficulty, of course, is in the actual doing. When we speak of life being difficult, I assume this is what we’re talking about.

It’s time for another installment of “Shorter Baseball Columnists,” in which we read mainstream baseball columnists and marginalized bloggers like Murray Chass so you don’t have to! Let us begin!

Shorter Gerry Callahan: Erik Bedard hates the media. Ergo, he will destroy the Red Sox.

Shorter Steve Rosenbloom: Alex Rios is having a bad season, and that, obviously, is a personal attack on me.

Shorter Jim Souhan: The Twins should trade for someone like Donovan McNabb. Or they should trade away someone like Donovan McNabb. Something like that.

Shorter Murray Chass: The New York Post, which is a newspaper, recently practiced what I consider to be shoddy journalism, which is why I hate bloggers.

Shorter Bill Dwyre: I like Derek Jeter.

Shorter T.J. Simers: No one connects with today’s youth quite like Tommy Lasorda.

Shorter Joe Cowley: No one’s ever made a joke about how statheads live in their parents’ basements, right?

The “Shorter” approach to Internetty commentary traces back, as best as one can tell, to Daniel Davies.

It’s time for another installment of “Shorter Baseball Columnists,” in which we read mainstream baseball columnists and marginalized bloggers like Murray Chass so you don’t have to! Let us begin!

Shorter Bob Ryan: Confused about how to resolve the “PED users and the Hall of Fame” conundrum? Boy, do I have a terrible idea!

Shorter Dan Shaughnessy: A number of athletes have said stupid things on Twitter. This is Twitter’s fault.

Shorter Woody Paige: Ubaldo Jimenez is much like every other person who lives in Colorado, in that they couldn’t possibly want to live anywhere else.

Shorter Jim Souhan: A number of nameless, unquoted, possibly nonexistent fans want the Twins to sell off at the deadline so as to ensure that the team doesn’t get embarrassed in the playoffs once again. The Twins should totally sell off at the deadline, but that’s not why they should do it.

Shorter Bruce Jenkins: The Brewers’ pennant hopes will quite possibly hinge on Nyjer Morgan’s flamboyance.

Shorter Mike Peticca: I don’t understand WAR. At all.

The “Shorter” approach to Internetty commentary traces back, as best as one can tell, to Daniel Davies.

I’m not going to suggest that this is the greatest lede in the history of journalism, but I will submit that this is the greatest lede in the history of journalism:

I was listening to the San Diego Chicken give a speech the other day …

It gets arguably better right about … here!

After all these years, I still get a charge when I first spot the San Diego Chicken — that same visceral reaction you get when you see a very pregnant woman walking down the sidewalk — her innie now an outtie. You poke whoever’s next to you — “Hey, look!” — as if you’re about to witness a miracle, pay attention.

I’m not quite sure whether the San Diego Chicken is like a pregnant woman or like a pregnant woman’s navel, but I find it impossible to disagree with either position.

What I do know is that anyone Googling the search terms “San Diego Chicken” + “pregnant” + “navel” will wind up first at the L.A. Times and then here. And that’s the greatest gift of all.

(Impregnation of gratitude: BBTF)

It’s time for another installment of “Shorter Baseball Columnists,” in which we read mainstream baseball columnists and marginalized bloggers like Murray Chass so you don’t have to! Let us begin!

Shorter Bill Conlin: If you quote Ryan Howard’s WAR to me, I might just kill your stupid face.

Shorter T.J. Simers: For some reason, Ned Colletti isn’t telling me precisely what I’d like to hear.

Shorter Bill Plaschke: Peter Bourjos is like a kid out there and also cute.

Shorter Mike Lupica: I am not a lawyer, but Roger Clemens is in trouble.

Shorter Dan Shaughnessy: I am not a lawyer, but Roger Clemens is out of trouble.

Shorter Murray Chass: The All-Star Game can be saved by Twitter, which I hate.

The “Shorter” approach to Internetty commentary traces back, as best as one can tell, to Daniel Davies.

It’s time for another installment of “Shorter Baseball Columnists,” in which we read mainstream baseball columnists and marginalized bloggers like Murray Chass so you don’t have to! Let us begin!

Shorter Steve Rosenbloom: Carlos Zambrano will soon fly to Guatemala to adopt a young boy. What an asshole.

Shorter Gregg Doyel: No one can stop me from voting, on the Internet, for the All-Star candidates of my choosing.

Shorter Murray Chass: Know who’s a big, fat coward? Bob Gibson. Yep. Bob Gibson is a big, fat coward.

Shorter Ian O’Connor: The subject is Derek Jeter, and I am about to make love to the reader.

Shorter John Harper: Shame on the Rays for not making Jeter’s 3,000th hit more of a priority.

Shorter Dan Shaughnessy: Roger Clemens used to pitch for the Red Sox.

The “Shorter” approach to Internetty commentary traces back, as best as one can tell, to Daniel Davies.

It’s time for another installment of “Shorter Baseball Columnists,” in which we read mainstream baseball columnists and marginalized bloggers like Murray Chass so you don’t have to! Let us begin!

Shorter Jim Souhan: Joe Mauer would be a lot tougher if he had Jim Souhan muscles instead of Joe Mauer muscles.

Shorter Bill Plaschke: I don’t care what anyone else says, but Frank McCourt did not, under cover of darkness, murder Vin Scully and Tommy Lasorda.

Shorter Dan Shaughnessy: You might think that what’s going on with the Dodgers has nothing to do with the Red Sox, but please remember that everything has something to do with the Red Sox.

Shorter Wallace Matthews: I just looked at Jorge Posada’s splits for this season.

Shorter Murray Chass: Tyler Kepner of the Times interviewed Roberto Clemente’s biographer on the subject of Clemente. I interviewed a buddy of mine from junior high. Advantage, me.

Shorter T.J. Simers: This is quite possibly Jamey Carroll’s fault.

The “Shorter” approach to Internetty commentary traces back, as best as one can tell, to Daniel Davies.

It’s time for another installment of “Shorter Baseball Columnists,” in which we read mainstream baseball columnists and marginalized bloggers like Murray Chass so you don’t have to! Let us begin!

Shorter Bill Plaschke: You won’t believe how many metaphors I’ve come up with to express Frank McCourt’s unpopularity.

Shorter Mike Lupica: You might think this odd, but in the process of writing at length about the AL East, I’m going to mention the Mets and LeBron James more often than I mention the Rays.

Shorter Wallace Matthews: Nick Swisher hit a home run against the Cubs. Take that, White Sox.

Shorter Murray Chass: Omar Minaya was a good GM. I’m pretty sure his mistakes were Jeff Wilpon’s fault.

Shorter Bill Conlin: I think the Rays would do well to move to a city with one of the worst local economies in the world.

Shorter Dan Shaughnessy: Let’s see, where did I put my “Man of the People” britches?

The “Shorter” approach to Internetty commentary traces back, as best as one can tell, to Daniel Davies.

The righteous blog-folk over at i09.com have assembled a scientifically rigorous ranking of “10 scenes from the most ridiculous sports comic ever published,” and it should surprise no one that our fair game comes out on top! Congrats, cowhide and maple, and roll tape …

Indeed, why did Satan challenge a World Series team to a game of baseball? Considering his obvious mechanical flaws, could this possibly be wise? Given his stride length toward the plate, he’s surely overloading his shoulder muscles. Is it a cloven-hoof thing? Does having creepy beast feet lead to an unnatural landing point when airing out the four-seamer? In any event, I worry about our archfiend.

Still and yet, mechanical concerns will not stop me from giving the Angel of Darkness a doughty heckling!

Huzzah, black-hearted belly itcher, huzzah!

Introducing “Shorter Baseball Columnists,” in which we read mainstream baseball columnists and marginalized bloggers like Murray Chass so you don’t have to! Let us begin!

Shorter Jon Heyman: The Giants are upset about Buster Posey’s injury and would like to see some rule changes. That won’t happen. Also, Pablo Sandoval is on The Twitter.

Shorter Murray Chass: In some ways, Carlos Santana — the guitarist, not the catcher — is like Pete Rose. In other ways, they’re really not that similar.

Shorter Dan Shaughnessy: It occurs to me that there are some random, unconnected and perhaps meaningless connections between the Red Sox and Cubs. Fortunately, these connections are sufficient in number to last an entire column.

Shorter Wallace Matthews: Bartolo Colon has been good this season. But when he sits around the house, he really sits around the house. Know what I mean?

Shorter Bill Conlin: I recently received some stupid emails about the Phillies.

Shorter Bill Plaschke: I refuse to stop talking about the Lakers.

Shorter T.J. Simers: Don Mattingly sucks.

The “Shorter” approach to Internetty commentary traces back, as best as one can tell, to Daniel Davies.