Thanks to the death-infused search functions at Baseball-Reference, it’s easy to compile a list of ballplayers who selfishly ruined the holidays by dying on Christmas Day. Let us remember their crossing of the Styx and their insistence on doing so while everyone else was just trying to enjoy themselves.

Also remember this: As you open gifts, force chestnuts down the gullet and nod off in the glow of a D-level bowl game, someone somewhere is dying and thus soiling an otherwise fine day.

Inspired by an awesome email from my even more awesome dad, a breakdown of the 2012 GOP Presidential candidates affiliation with the game. In no particular order:

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1. Ron Paul

It is not clear whether Ron Paul is now a Houston Astros fan, but we do know that he is a “good friend” of Nolan Ryan, which suggests that perhaps he has switched allegiances since these glorious photos were taken. I am not part of the “rev-love-ution” or whatever the kids are calling it these days, but everyone looks like a stud to me in this beautiful uniform. I hate how much I love these.

“Ron Paul is the only congressman to have hit a home run over the fence in the congressional baseball game’s 50-year history.”

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A few paragraphs into this New York Times article about the Mets owners seeking minority investors and I lost track of whether I was reading an actual news piece or something that was trying to be funny. Apparently the Mets think rich people want to give them $20 million without getting anything in return. How is “access to Mr. Met” not a joke? Mr. Met is a guy in a costume. And it’s lovely that they want to give their investors a weekend’s stay at spring training and discounts — discounts! — on MLB.com merchandise. These people have $20 million to spare on a meaningless fraction of a terrible baseball team, that comes with no control over what the team does. I think they can afford to pay full price for a hat, if they even want one. David Brown has already written a piece for Yahoo about ten things someone can do with their “access” to Mr. Met — a more family-friendly list than the one that first came to mind for me — so I’ll skip that angle and try something slightly different.

Eight More Meaningless Perks To Mets Minority Ownership that the Times article inadvertently left out:

1. Free mustard on every full-price Citi Field hot dog you purchase.

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Wherein we rank the American League Central franchises by how fresh their logo has been repped in rap history.

5. Kansas City Royals

The absolute only instance I could find of a rapper steppin’ out with a Royals cap is this picture of Kanye West, which we can probably assume was some sort of mistake, and that the guy in his entourage who lays out his clothes was fired the next day.

And also, this:

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[Read this post from yesterday if you don’t know what I’m talking about, then come back.]

1. Derek Jeter signed baseball.
2. Bottle of Driven, Derek Jeter’s personally-designed cologne, a blend of chilled grapefruit, clean oak moss, spice, pine tar, batting glove sweat, and Jeter’s own urine.
3. Gillette Venus razor, so you can groom yourself to Yankee standards. Come on, you can’t expect Derek to let you stay the night if you have stray and errant hairs.
4. Gatorade, to replenish the fluids you’ve lost.
5. Tide stain stick, to get rid of the fluids you’ve gained.
6. One month’s membership to your nearest Derek Jeter Signature 24 Hour Fitness location, so you look good enough for Derek to forget he’s had sex with you already and invite you back for a second turn.
7. A jar of Skippy peanut butter. Smooth, not chunky. Just like you.
8. Chlamydia

This probably needs an introduction but I have no idea what to say other than that I believe I’ve lost touch with my demographic.

Britney Spears

Career WAR: 91.2

Comparables: Greg Maddux, Warren Spahn

Best season: 2000 (Stronger, Oops!… I Did It Again, 1.78 FIP)

Brit has managed to assemble a shockingly spectacular career with years left to go, assuming her antics off the field don’t catch up to her. No matter how you feel about her style of play, no one else who has debuted since 1998 can touch her when it comes to the raw numbers. You think she’s only “pretty good”? Look again. If we’ve learned anything from advanced metrics, it’s that the numbers aren’t the liars, our perceptions are. No matter how Britney makes you feel (and for me and for many others, the answer to that question is a jumbled and complicated tangle), she is among — if not the — greatest pop singer of my generation. Those who don’t agree do have some tools to argue with, specifically her extremely low BABIP. However, even after factoring in her extraordinary luck, Britney has still led the league overall every season that she has released a new album. Above all else, she is incredibly consistent, never having experienced a true slump in her entire career. Even 2008, the year she experienced an infamous offseason collapse, her sixth album sold half a million copies in the US in its first week, while Brit broke another record becoming the youngest player in history with five number one albums. Britney is an interesting case because to the naked eye she appears to have very little talent at all. Her voice is weak and forgettable compared to many of the other players on this list, her fastball never gets out of the very low 90s, and while she was once pretty good on the dance floor, that number has sunk as her later career has been plagued by injuries — from 2008-2011 she actually posted a negative UZR. She simply doesn’t have the natural talent to be the superstar that she is and year after year, experts predict that she will regress to her natural talent level, but somehow, some way, she remains at the top of her game.
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Hi. Welcome to MLBistro, where the flavors are as big as Don Mossi’s ears. We hope you find something you like!

STARTERS

Rick Portacello Mushroom Sliders   $9
Veggie option getting a crack at our permanent menu for the first time.

Carlos JalaPeña Poppers (15)     $7
Often, you’ll miss your mouth completely when you try to eat these delicious goat-cheese-stuffed and deep-fried peppers, but when they connect, they connect with big flavor. For the price, we think it’s worth a couple of swings and misses.

Cheese Cheese Sabathia     $13
Selection of artisanal cheeses from Wisconsin, Ohio, and New York. We coat each cheese in cream cheese and top it off with a lovably crooked ball cap made of cocoa frosting.

Miguel Olivo Tapenade     $10
Thick crostini, roasted capers.

The Prince Fielder    $32
All of the above.

The David Wells     $37
The Prince Fielder, beer battered and deep-fried. Served as a misshapen brick.

The Rod Beck     $55
The David Wells, served with a six-pack of Old Style cans and a “bump.”

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You may or may not be familiar with former New York Times sportswriter Murray Chass, and his blog. (That link to Wikipedia gives a decent summary: in short, Chass not a huge fan of statistics, bloggers, and Mike Piazza.) I leave it to others to cast broader judgment. I write this post only to express a little bit of confusion regarding his latest blog entry, featuring the headline:

WITH THIS WOULD-BE MANAGER,
V IS FOR LOSER

(Referring to Bobby Valentine, and his possible hiring by the Red Sox.)

Are there really no words starting with the letter V that mean loser, or something close?

Because that seems like an awfully weak headline if there’s any chance at all to find a word that starts with a V — or even has a V somewhere in it.

Faced with no better ideas for a post today, I decided to look for some possible alternatives. You may be able to do better in the comments.

My contenders:

1.
With this would-be manager,
V IS FOR VERBOSE,
which he is, often to the detriment of his players

2.
With this would-be manager,
V IS FOR VAUDEVILLIAN PERFORMANCES,
like wearing a disguise in the dugout

3.
With this would-be manager,
V IS FOR THE VOMITING
he inspires in me

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I’ve gotten a lot of questions about why I put Justin Verlander first on the AL MVP ballot this year. I thought I’d offer a glimpse into my reasoning by publishing my top five picks with commentary:

1. Justin Verlander. When I sat down to try to figure out what “MVP” stood for, he was the first guy that came to mind. Most Valuable Pitcher? Definitely — as long as you’re not counting C.C. Sabathia, which I try not to ’cause he’s a Yankee. Although I do like the way he wears his hat all tipsy. But back to Verlander: 24 meaningless wins! 8.96 strikeouts per 9 innings! Sideburns as good as Luke Perry’s! Detroit is otherwise sad! Amazing!

2. Dustin Pedroia: Most Valuable Player [On My Fantasy Team]. I’ve been quietly living the nightmare of having made Matt “Shattered Hopes” Wieters my single franchise player in my keeper league until this year, when a little man called Laser Show entered my life and changed my attitude forever. Stay gold, Pedroia, you’re gonna be around for awhile.

3. This bulldog puppy: Most Valuable Puppy. This slot was a tough call, as y’all can probably imagine, but my heart told me at the last minute that he was going to be the winner. Whenever he’s on, even when no one’s in the room, my mouth goes to nonesense words that start with a “sh” sound. His VORPuppy is at least 80.5, and that’s accounting for breed factors.

4. If I Was Your Girlfriend: Most Valuable Prince [Song]. Look, I’ll admit that “Do Me Baby,” or even the overrated “Kiss” might be more likely to get (you) on base. But “If I Was Your Girlfriend” has an above-average bittersweet quotient while managing to maintain a very consistent sexiness. And in the clutch? “Sometimes I trip on how happy we could be” can’t be beat.

5. Logan Morrison: Most Valuable Player [On Twitter]. Was there ever really a question with performances like this?

P.S. 6-10 are jalepeno, Big Sexy Hair’s Powder Play, Bubbles (RIP), tortellini, and Jose Bautista — you figure it out.

1. The Rangers outfielder is named Josh Hamilton, not Alexander Hamilton. Alexander Hamilton did not have a well-documented struggle with drugs and alcohol, and did not have to provide urine samples three times a week during the baseball season. Also, Josh Hamilton was not killed in a duel. He continues to be on the roster of the Texas Rangers baseball team, and not the Texas Rangers law enforcement agency, which is not the law enforcement agency that first discovered Alexander Hamilton’s body after his duel. In addition, while Josh Hamilton does deposit most of his salary into a bank, he did not found the Bank of New York. That, again, was Alexander Hamilton, who, we have also been notified, had only one tattoo on his body.

2. The Cardinals enjoyed home field advantage in the series, not home fries, as we mistakenly reported. While there are unconfirmed reports that some members of the Cardinals may have enjoyed home fries at the breakfast buffet in the hotel where they stayed in Arlington, we have not been able to verify that the home fries provided any sort of advantage in the games. While the Rangers did not enjoy home field advantage, we should correct our assertion that they do not have a home field, and that many of the Rangers do not have homes. We are told that they do.

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