Errata: 2011 World Series

1. The Rangers outfielder is named Josh Hamilton, not Alexander Hamilton. Alexander Hamilton did not have a well-documented struggle with drugs and alcohol, and did not have to provide urine samples three times a week during the baseball season. Also, Josh Hamilton was not killed in a duel. He continues to be on the roster of the Texas Rangers baseball team, and not the Texas Rangers law enforcement agency, which is not the law enforcement agency that first discovered Alexander Hamilton’s body after his duel. In addition, while Josh Hamilton does deposit most of his salary into a bank, he did not found the Bank of New York. That, again, was Alexander Hamilton, who, we have also been notified, had only one tattoo on his body.

2. The Cardinals enjoyed home field advantage in the series, not home fries, as we mistakenly reported. While there are unconfirmed reports that some members of the Cardinals may have enjoyed home fries at the breakfast buffet in the hotel where they stayed in Arlington, we have not been able to verify that the home fries provided any sort of advantage in the games. While the Rangers did not enjoy home field advantage, we should correct our assertion that they do not have a home field, and that many of the Rangers do not have homes. We are told that they do.

3. The manager of the Cardinals was Tony La Russa, not Tony Lasorda, Tommy Lasorda, Tommy La Russa, Antonio Saurus, Tyran O’Saurus, Bobby Los Toros, or Jennifer Aniston. We apologize for the multiple errors. Also, Tony La Russa has a “law degree,” not a “brain aneurysm,” as we originally stated. He formerly managed the Chicago White Sox, not the newest Chicago branch of the White Castle in the heart of what we called the Magnesium Mile, but is actually known as the Magnificent Mile. La Russa does not mean pedophile in Italian, and we regret giving that impression.

4. The manager of the Rangers, needless to say, is Ron Washington, and not Martha Washington. While Ron Washington does know Josh Hamilton, Ron Washington did not know Alexander Hamilton, and Martha Washington did not know Josh Hamilton. If anyone in our audience felt we were implying some sort of love affair between any combination of Josh Hamilton, Alexander Hamilton, Ron Washington, Martha Washington, George Washington, or Washington Irving, that was due to carelessness on our part. Ron Washington has a mustache, not mountain warts, and in fact we do not know what mountain warts are, despite our insistence to the contrary.

5. The Rangers acquired pitcher Koji Uehara from the Baltimore Orioles, not IKEA, as we originally stated.

6. Yadier Molina has two older brothers who have also played major league baseball, not three sisters, a dog, and two imaginary friends, as we originally stated. He is a catcher, not a cat. That error was a result of space limitations. Yadier’s son is named Yanuell, not Caught Stealing. Molina hit a grand slam, not an obese spectator, on Opening Day 2010.

7. Lance Berkman is not a “card-carrying Communist.”

8. We are told that the bodies of 13,000 Native Americans are not in fact buried under Busch Stadium, which is also not the home of the largest bat colony in the Eastern Hemisphere. The stadium, in fact, is in the Western Hemisphere, and we should have clarified that we meant baseball bats, and not the animal. All of these facts notwithstanding, Busch Stadium has no more baseball bats than a typical baseball stadium, and does not hold any records related to the number of bats or Native Americans within the complex.

9. Mitch Moreland, not Keith Moreland, is the first baseman for the Rangers. Keith Moreland was a baseball player for the Phillies, Cubs, and Padres in the 1970s and 1980s, and was born in 1954, while Mitch Moreland was born in 1985. Thus, our repeated comments that Moreland “looks good for a 57-year-old man,” “knew Dwight Eisenhower personally,” and “seems to have been traded from the Cubs at some point in the past three decades, though the media guide is unfortunately missing those details,” were all extraneous and should never have been said.

10. The series, was not, as we mistakenly insisted, “the first to come to a peaceful end without catastrophic loss of life.” We are told that the 1959 series also ended without casualty.

Jeremy Blachman is the author of Anonymous Lawyer, a satirical novel that should make people who didn't go to law school feel good about their life choices. Read more at McSweeney's or elsewhere. He likes e-mail.

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Sociology Degreeer
10 years ago

What about the claim that La Russa is very proficient in smoke signals, but only during terms of Republican presidents?

A Washington
10 years ago