Hipster on a Light Pole #1

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Our intrepid Investigative Reporting Investigation Team has confirmed that the photo you see above is totally, 110 percent real.

The IRIT has also confirmed that Kate Upton is a lucky woman. A very lucky woman.

H/T: The greater Internet.

Yes, the 108th World Series is commencing tonight, but what people really care about is, Where Is Ryan Braun?

Turns out, Brauny has been popping up all over the place this off-season (known to fans of winning teams as the “post-season”), and thanks to the work of the NotGraphs Investigative Reporting Investigation Team, we’re able to keep you abreast of his whereabouts.

First we found him at the the presidential debates:

Hi.

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Over the past two years, we in Toronto had taken to calling John Farrell “President Farrell.” Fine, it was mostly only me who called him “President Farrell,” and I enjoyed it. Being a Canadian, I can admit it: I’ve always wanted a president. And Farrell was oh so presidential, especially when donned in a suit and tie. And, of course, there is his presidential jawline. As you can see, below, President Farrell has no neck, only a jaw.

President Farrell is, of course, no more, his term cut short, his office and administration abandoned in disgrace. And our Investigative Reporting Investigation Team’s Canadian office has secured for us a transcript of President John Farrell’s resignation speech, delivered to the Blue Jays front office, and broadcast live over the weekend at the SkyDome for a few select season-ticket holders.

Good evening.

This is the 19th time I have spoken to you from this office, where so many decisions have been made that shaped the history of the Toronto Blue Jays. Each time I have done so to discuss with you some matter that I believe affected the franchise’s interest.

In all the decisions I have made in my baseball life, I have always tried to do what was best for the Boston Red Sox; for Red Sox Nation. Throughout the long and difficult period of managing the Blue Jays, I have felt it was my duty to persevere, to make every possible effort to complete the term of office to which I, Alex Anthopoulos, Paul Beeston, and the entire front office agreed upon.

In the past few days, however, it has become evident to me that I no longer have a strong desire to justify continuing that effort. As you may have noticed, the Red Sox need a new manager. As long as they had a manager — yes, even Bobby Valentine — I felt strongly that it was necessary to manage the Blue Jays through to the conclusion of my contract, that to do otherwise would be unfaithful to the spirit of that deliberately difficult process that was my hiring and a dangerously destabilizing precedent for the future.

But with the firing of Bobby Valentine, and the mutual interest between the Red Sox and myself, I now believe that my purpose with the Blue Jays has been served, and there is no longer a need for the process to be prolonged.

I would have preferred to carry through to the finish whatever the personal agony it would have involved, and my family unanimously urged me to do so. But the interest of Red Sox Nation must always come before any personal considerations.

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Outspoken and much maligned manager of the Miami Marlins, Ozzie Guillen, was, very recently, told he’s not allowed to do that job anymore. This frees Mr. Guillen to look for another job.

The NotGraphs Investigative Reporting Investigation Team has acquired, through means most nefarious, Ozzie Guillen’s recent job searches. I share them now with you, the fair NotGraphs reader.

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As our Bradley Woodrum noted this morning, the first two games of the ALCS at Yankee Stadium — despite announced figures to the contrary — appear to have been poorly attended. Where are all the Yankees fans?

These places and doing these things, turns out (data courtesy Investigative Reporting Investigation Team):

Many baseball fans know about the controversy over the weekend regarding the flagging Yankee Stadium attendance, despite the playoffs being quite in town. The stadium did not fill up by first pitch; it did not fill up by the sixth inning; it did not fill up.

The NotGraphs Investigative Team is about to blow this whole mystery a new news hole. We recently received SPECIAL CLANDESTINE AERIAL IMAGERY of Yankee Stadium, and the truth may be too much for the average fan to wrap their mind grapes around:
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Moments before this picture was taken, our Investigative Reporting Investigation Team has confirmed, Buck Showalter asked Dan Duquette, “Now do you believe in magic?”

Dan Duquette said, “I do, Buck. I do. Now come here.”

Image credit: Tony Gutierrez, of The Associated Press.

Once the leaders of the 2012 National League Central, the Pirates are in the midst of a second-half collapse such that they may not even finish the year at .500. What a surprise. But winning the division, according to an alleged email sent out by assistant General Manager Kyle Stark, would only have been a lesser prize. The alleged email says that “the biggest impact we can have in the second half is developing more Hells Angels.” This all came out as part of a report on the Pirates September Instructional League training which apparently included many elements from “intense Navy SEALs drills.” In part of these drills, players were supposedly required to engage in hand-to-hand combat, during which pitching prospect Jameson Taillon received a (minor) knee injury. Sounds like a bad movie I once saw…

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You listen to FanGraphs Audio, so you already know that Dayn Perry’s next critically-acclaimed book, for which he received a substantial advance, is titled Business & F*cking: Secrets to Crushing the Competition in the Boardroom and the Bedroom. I know; I can’t wait, either.

While we wait, though, I’ve got good news: Our diligent, award-winning Investigative Reporting Investigation Team has secured for us the cover of Mr. Perry’s latest endeavor. Witness:

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