Once the leaders of the 2012 National League Central, the Pirates are in the midst of a second-half collapse such that they may not even finish the year at .500. What a surprise. But winning the division, according to an alleged email sent out by assistant General Manager Kyle Stark, would only have been a lesser prize. The alleged email says that “the biggest impact we can have in the second half is developing more Hells Angels.” This all came out as part of a report on the Pirates September Instructional League training which apparently included many elements from “intense Navy SEALs drills.” In part of these drills, players were supposedly required to engage in hand-to-hand combat, during which pitching prospect Jameson Taillon received a (minor) knee injury. Sounds like a bad movie I once saw…
Just imagine the wonderful exchanges that took place at the instructs!
Assistant General Manager Stark: Pain is your friend, your ally, it will tell you when you are seriously injured, it will keep you awake and angry, and remind you to stop throwing so many sliders and put a fat one right down the middle. But you know the best thing about pain?
Jameson Taillon: Don’t know!
AGM Stark: It lets you know you might not have to attend any more Pirates games for a while!
Taillon: You’re the Director of Player Development, right? May I ask how you got that job?
AGM Stark: Since it bears on this conversation, I got it because I worked with Neal in Player Development in Cleveland.
Taillon: Wait, don’t the Indians suck as much as we do?
AGM Stark: Taillon, by the time we’re done with you, you’ll be every bit as awesome as Josh Tomlin.
Pirates Beat Reporter: Jameson, why are you doing this?
Taillon: Do you ask other prospects the same question?
Pirates Beat Reporter: As a matter of fact: yes, I do ask them.
Taillon: And what do they say?
Pirates Beat Reporter: Cause they gave me a big signing bonus and now, unless I quit or get cut, I’m stuck here for most of my 20s.
Taillon: Well, there you go.
Images expertly altered by NotGraphs intern Robert J. Baumann.
Matt Klaassen reads and writes obituaries in the Greater Toronto Area. If you can't get enough of him, follow him on Twitter.