A few paragraphs into this New York Times article about the Mets owners seeking minority investors and I lost track of whether I was reading an actual news piece or something that was trying to be funny. Apparently the Mets think rich people want to give them $20 million without getting anything in return. How is “access to Mr. Met” not a joke? Mr. Met is a guy in a costume. And it’s lovely that they want to give their investors a weekend’s stay at spring training and discounts — discounts! — on MLB.com merchandise. These people have $20 million to spare on a meaningless fraction of a terrible baseball team, that comes with no control over what the team does. I think they can afford to pay full price for a hat, if they even want one. David Brown has already written a piece for Yahoo about ten things someone can do with their “access” to Mr. Met — a more family-friendly list than the one that first came to mind for me — so I’ll skip that angle and try something slightly different.

Eight More Meaningless Perks To Mets Minority Ownership that the Times article inadvertently left out:

1. Free mustard on every full-price Citi Field hot dog you purchase.

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Sometimes a man, comprehending simultaneously both the pointlessness and abject misery of this thing we call life, is compelled by angst to unleash upon the uncaring world a cathartic, primeval scream.

Other times a man, trapped inside the satchel of the wife of a baseball writer — a wife who absolutely promised the baseball writer that said man would be unharmed during transport but who then broke the man anyway and didn’t even really seem that sorry about — sometimes that man is compelled to unleash a cathartic, primeval scream, as well.

WHO SAID IT: Matt Cain, or Herman Cain?

1. “To be able to go nine innings was completely amazing. That was definitely a little different, going straight over to the catcher and going back to the mound to shake hands.”

2. “OK, Libya. [pause] President Obama supported the uprising, correct? President Obama called for the removal of Gadhafi. I just wanted to make sure we’re talking about the same thing before I say, ‘Yes, I agreed’ or ‘No I didn’t agree.’ I do not agree with the way he handled it for the following reason — nope, that’s a different one. [pause] I gotta go back and see. I got all this stuff twirling around in my head. Specifically, what are you asking me that I agree or not disagree with Obama?”

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“Just the tip” of the hat to Notgraphs reader Eric Czaplicki for suggesting this story.

Team Innuendo!!!!
AKA: I Am Twelve Years Old!

Starting pitchers:

1. Doug Fister
“I Hardly Know Her!” …Obviously our best in the bunch both in terms of ability and in terms of innuendo. Here’s a story: when I worked at a bookstore, I used to call people at the other information desks and tell them I needed them to look up something for a customer and then feed them this ISBN and hang up: 1890159026.

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There will be thirty divisions, one team each. The winner of each division will be declared a divisional champion. Shirts and hats will be created. Commemorative baseballs. An MLB collectible plate. More shirts. More hats. Maybe a patch or two.

The winners of each of these 30 divisions will play rock, paper, scissors to decide on home field advantage for each of the 435 possible matchups (30*29/2, mathematicians please correct me if I am wrong here). This thirteen-hour rock, paper, scissors tournament will be televised on FOX. It will also stream live on MLB.com. However, it will be subject to blackout restrictions so that nobody who lives on Earth can actually watch it. They can watch it on the moon. Special commercials will be sold to moon companies. There will be an entire sponsorship package. Stay tuned for details.

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It goes without saying that one cannot put a price on laughter.

The price of NotGraphs’ first Baseball Reference sponsorship, however, is two dollars annually.

Ol’ Chuckles Hatcher would like nothing more than for you to think he was the first to brandish a giant glove, but the great Al Schacht would like a word with you …

That’s how it’s done, you whipperbuckaroosnappers.

Moreover, given the derivative nature of Mickey Hatcher’s prop-comedy routines and his tacit refusal to honor the pioneering models of the past, it’s fair to ask whether the scoundrel Mickey Hatcher is, at this very moment, committing high treason. Signs point to yes.

1. The Rangers outfielder is named Josh Hamilton, not Alexander Hamilton. Alexander Hamilton did not have a well-documented struggle with drugs and alcohol, and did not have to provide urine samples three times a week during the baseball season. Also, Josh Hamilton was not killed in a duel. He continues to be on the roster of the Texas Rangers baseball team, and not the Texas Rangers law enforcement agency, which is not the law enforcement agency that first discovered Alexander Hamilton’s body after his duel. In addition, while Josh Hamilton does deposit most of his salary into a bank, he did not found the Bank of New York. That, again, was Alexander Hamilton, who, we have also been notified, had only one tattoo on his body.

2. The Cardinals enjoyed home field advantage in the series, not home fries, as we mistakenly reported. While there are unconfirmed reports that some members of the Cardinals may have enjoyed home fries at the breakfast buffet in the hotel where they stayed in Arlington, we have not been able to verify that the home fries provided any sort of advantage in the games. While the Rangers did not enjoy home field advantage, we should correct our assertion that they do not have a home field, and that many of the Rangers do not have homes. We are told that they do.

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It gets hot in these rhinos.

When one reads the play-by-play transcript of World Series Game 5, one is reminded of some of the finer works of Eugène Ionesco.

This is not an excerpt:

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Tony La Russa’s Monday press conference seems to have caused further confusion about his use of pitchers during Game 5 of this 2011 World Series. I thought I should try to parse La Russa’s explanation, so I used Yahoo’s Babelfish tool to translate Tony into German and then back again to English. I think this sheds more light on his true intentions. Questions are in their original tongue, punctuation was edited for clarity.

Q: Could you take us through the thought process leaving Rzepczynski to pitch to Napoli?

La Russa: Well which happened, was that twice the region didn’t hear Motte’s name. They heard Rzepczynski’s and it didn’t receive moth (as both loose received should). I looked and moth wasn’t there above going. Thus I demanded back moth and her rose Lynn. That’s why it wasn’t me today throw been supposed wasn’t in such a way, which goes letting it throw, this Schlagmann. It straight threw the preheating and went it and to moth was ready. I don’t know, if it were loud, probably material loud. It straight didn’t hear second time. They heard “Rzepczynski” and it didn’t hear “Motte” and as I back designated, said I “Moth,” they heard “Lynn.” Thus I went there, wrong chap out. He’s, which does not go throwing today. I said, “If you decrease/go back, keep ready” to moth. We’ll way the chap because I don’t wish Lynn — it is not to throw. I didn’t would like to injure it. And then moth came in. That’s why — it must be loud. I give credit note to the fans.

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