Archive for Comedy Jokes

Although they didn’t know it at the time, when Scott Feldman, Ian Kinsler, and Mike Napoli made their respective ways to the pitcher’s mound at Rangers Ballpark in Arlington last night, they were fashioning the set-up to a hilarious, and only probably slightly offensive, street joke.

The set-up to said joke definitely goes like this: “Two Jews and an Italian walk up to a pitcher’s mound.”

As for the premise and punchline, I know less about those, but I’m guessing it has something to do with their mutual admiration for pastrami.

According to ESPN, the Mets are set to announce “substantial” changes to Citi Field to make it friendlier to hitters. The article says that there will be a new (shorter) left field wall, and the fence in right-center field will be moved 250 feet closer to home plate. Oh, sorry, 25 feet. I misread that.

Other changes not mentioned in the piece:

• A sinkhole near the visiting team’s on-deck circle. You mean you didn’t see it? And now Albert Pujols is missing? Oops. Read the rest of this entry »

In which the author assumes the essence of the Interweb, posting photos and making fun of them.

Game 2 is all about hair and facial hair. De-HAIR-o-types, amirite?

Quick! Which St. Louis Cardinal is this?!

Read the rest of this entry »

We weren’t all born as beautiful as Gabe Kapler. But we were born better looking than the ugly ones, so we can get a little happiness from the downward social comparison that is picking the All Ugly Team.

Also, let’s be clear. Your faithful correspondent is placing himself as the bench coach of this team. Ugly enough to belong, but not ugly enough to lead the team. Plus, we know that God Loves Ugly, so there’s that. And! I’ve never played a second of organized ball for a dime, so they have all got something on me, and most of you I presume.

But we can still have a little fun with this, can’t we?

Read the rest of this entry »

Via Deadly Don Hammack comes this find by Nats Enquirer. This find is also, quite understandably, your Daguerreotype of the Evening:

The grainy, sepia-toned image you see above, which was created using silver halide, heated mercury, cold-rolled cladding, and a dipping solution of sodium thiosulfate, is of the lotto ads at tonight’s Phillies-Nats tilt (and also what appear to be some lovely geraniums). The discerner will observe that the Pennsylvania Lotto would seem to be claiming that in excess of 1.2 billion clams and or pieces of cheddar are in play at the moment. But hold everything!

MASN’s F.P. Santangelo pointed out during Tuesday night’s Nats-Phillies broadcast on MASN that members of the Nationals bullpen had messed with the jackpot numbers on the PowerBall and MegaMillions boards out in the visitors bullpen at Citizens Bank Park. And suddenly, a couple of paltry $25 million and $75 million payouts become $521 M and $705 M, respectively.

I’m pretty sure Sarbanes-Oxley expressly forbids the manipulation of powerball boards by NL East relievers — even decidedly merry relievers such as those boasted by the Nationals — but sometimes the law must be broken in the service of comedy jokes.

This I roar: #estimatedannuity

In the tradition of Dodger rookie Rubby de la Rosa, Philadelphia shortstop Jimmy Rollins left Sunday’s game with an unexpected — and slightly embarrassing — injury.

In part because I’d love to contribute to our new category “Comedy Jokes,” I have embedded an Internet Comedy Video. This Internet Comedy Video is of Joke-Cracker and Cracker of Jokes Louis C.K.’s riffing on how human society could be improved by the presence of Wild Lions. At the 4:40 mark Mr. C.K. will, as part of this Comedy Monologue, briefly insult the Kansas City Royals Baseball Club.

I should caution you that because this was first broadcast on Lamewad Network Color Television, you’ll notice the troubling absence of Reliable Curse Words like “!@#$%” and “#$%!@” and “Longinus.” My hope is that the Customer will nevertheless be satisfied by this Internet Comedy Video.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F-CvigrOuqE&feature=player_embedded

Thank you for watching the Preceding Internet Comedy Video.

Mike Schmidt is a mustachioed former third baseman for the Philadelphia Phillies. A different Mike Schmidt is Madison, Wisconsin’s funniest comic and the author of the joke you see embedded expertly above.

In point of fact, I’ve heard Schmidt tell this joke in a slightly different (and, depending on your tastes, perhaps slightly more offensive) way, as follows.

My friend asked me to participate in a fantasy draft with him. He chose Alex Rodriguez and I picked two Korean girls.

Now that I’ve told the joke that way, let me tell it this way…

My friend asked me to participate in a fantasy draft with him. I picked two Korean girls. He chose Alex Rodriguez.

It should be noted both that (a) Schmidt tweets a number of his jokes and (b) those same jokes are frequently hilarious and entirely sans taste. Futhermore, he can often be seen in real life at Madison’s Comedy on State.