Archive for Aqua Velva Men

Four views. No view.

Staying with a friend who doesn’t have cable but does have an iPad, so it was time to see what post-season baseball on the ‘Pad would look like. It’s also been a long couple of weeks on the road, and my thoughts no longer come fully formed. Here, then, are my notes, which taken in sum can provide a review of MLB At Bat ’11, the iPad app from MBL.tv — or at least hopefully they will.

* Man this resolution is terrible. And I can’t figure out how to improve it. Is this my problem? Am I already this old? Am I fat-fingering ‘e-mail thingermerbobbers’ after my dial-up finishes screeching? I can’t be. Can I put this in the review?

* Chase Utley is so dreamy. How can he be so ruggedly handsome and yet finely coiffed at the same time? Is it the pomade? Is it the soul patch? And then his game is so saber-friendly. If only he weren’t a Phillie.

Read the rest of this entry »

Prostitutes have descended upon the convention floor (as requested by a certain randy delegate from Ohio), and that means the nominating process is done. So rejoice, suffragists: the time to vote has come! At stake in this urgent referendum? The matter of which current player should be nicknamed “Aqua Velva Man!”

As always, the nominees have been culled to suit the whims of the Secret Monarch …

Our ongoing quest, in the manner of the noble knight-errant, is to assign players to cool nicknames rather than indulge in the tired, shopworn paradigm of assigning nicknames to cool players.

First, though, a brief jaunt through our Nickname Seeks Player Vaulted Halls of Honor:

“Bad Miracle” – Wily Mo Peña
“Captain Black Tobacco” – John Danks
“$45 Couch” – Yuniesky Betancourt
“Liván Hernández” – Liván Hernández
“Frog in the Pot” – Carlos Zambrano

The nickname up for grabs in this episode? It’s “Aqua Velva Man”!

Read the rest of this entry »

The video that follows, which is action-video footage of the greatest Lincoln-Douglass/Webster-Hayne blah-blah ever to grace the diamond, will not be safe for work unless your place of employment is a dirty-word factory, in which case I shall now search for you on LinkedIn.

This video has also been viewed more than a half-million times, so it’s quite possible you number among those lucky, teeming thousands. Still, some things, like the Uffizi or the liquor store, are worth visiting again and again. And so we shall …

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kl-4FSRYagc

The melodic progression of the debate peaks at the 2:04 mark, when the two gentlemanly combatants make love to the listener-viewer by discussing whether Earl Weaver will go to the Hall of Fame for winning games or for “f*cking up World Series.”

Back in 1976, when men were men and the drugs were just, just great, Philadelphians succumbed to what can best be described as one of the grooviest blood-borne soul-borne pathogens ever to roll across the plains, hills, dance floors, and sex parlors of America …

Some might question the verisimilitude of some parts of this audio recording. However, I have it on good authority that when Garry Maddox and Dave Cash have a conversation over Citizens’ Band Radio, it’s absolutely on the subject of the hottest thing in town.

Notice some fresh, oozing papules on the epidermis? You’ve got Phillies Fever, my friend.

It’s no secret that base-ballists everywhere are quite fond of the refreshing taste of 7UP. In the case of Mike Schmidt, the fire in the belly for 7UP became so strong — so fiery — that he installed beneath home plate a subterranean robot tasked with delivering ambrosial, restorative 7UP during the middle of a plate appearance. Bear mute witness:

You may have also noticed that Bruce Sutter knows, when it comes to highly acidic, carbonated beverages, there is a time for sipping and a time for painful guzzling. You may have also noticed that Dave Parker, quite understandably, prefers the taste of ambrosial, restorative 7UP to recording outs on foul pop-ups.

In short, nothing screws up a game of baseball quite like 7UP.

First, click to embiggen and then regard and drink deeply of …

I’ve checked with the jurisdictional authorities, and you are permitted to choose one of these ladies for an evening of Chablis, board games and necking. And remember that a gentleman never does two things: use “party” as a verb or discuss the clap.

I choose them all.

Who’s the real Aqua Velva Man, Steve Garvey or Pete Rose?

Is it more Aqua Velva Manly to call time out at the plate because you’re not finished talking about your cologne and then, upon homering, vaguely insult the Brooklyn-born catcher’s ways with the ladies?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SXVwzpd99Mc&playnext=1&list=PL745CA8E459F589D0

Or is it more Aqua Velva Manly to quite possibly make Aqua Velva-smelling love to the media just after taking a few cuts?

Only you, readers, can decide who wins this Aqua Velva Men Showdown.