Archive for Aqua Velva Men

Camus once said that we are all ashamed of beauty. For years, I believed this to be true. But then I saw Rowland Office.

He is beautiful, and I am not ashamed of him.

This has been your Daguerreotype of the Evening.

What is rarer than a handlebar mustache?  More powerful than a pair of horn-rimmed spectacles?  The answer, by God, is Wally Moon’s unibrow, which we debuted last Thursday here on NotGraphs:

Wally Moon’s eyebrow, by itself can lift heavy loads.  It can do complicated maths.  It can convey emotions like disappointment, astonishment, frustration, and skepticism roughly 33% more effectively than your own two eyebrows together.

But it did not start that way.  Journey with me now to what looks like some time in the 1940s, before the eyebrow: Read the rest of this entry »

Jacoby Ellsbury is suave as hell. (See photographic evidence below.) In 2011, he returned from an injury-plagued and horribly disappointing 2010 to become a 30-30 man in his age-27 season. That, in addition to his superb defense in centerfield, is sure to garner some MVP votes despite a Red Sox collapse for the ages.

“I will have that award, and that one, and that one over there, as well.”

But how will he fare against the lyrical prowess of Miggy Cashbery and Joey Bats?

A one-two, a one-two: Read the rest of this entry »

As we learned previously in these yellowed and courtly pages, board-certified Aqua Velva Man Vic Tayback has a proud history of Giving the Business to ballplayers. So it should come as no surprise that Mr. Tayback once put ink-dispensing stylus to cowhide orb. Clicky!

Sure, Mr. Ed — with his stupid, thumbless hooves — and Kate Hepburn — with what was surely a fetching pantsuit — are also signatories, but there’s everyone and thing else and then there’s Vic Tayback.

This is his grave:

You are curious about things…things like quantum mechanics, birds and bees, mustaches, the funny feeling you get when a pretty girl or boy walks by, the lyric poetry of John Donne, why you have hair in new places, and the exploits of the extremely agéd… and it is in that latter vein that I present to you yet more news about Don Zimmer’s face.

Now, you’ll recall from last week that our belovéd Zim look exactly like my belovéd daughter, for his is a beautiful face.  It is also, apparently, highly average.  This information comes to us by way of the good people at Gillette.  Observe: Read the rest of this entry »

It is a fact that I am too old and stupid to play Little League, but, lo, how I want to play Little League for Coach Ballgame! Why do I want to play Little League for Coach Ballgame? Because he contains multitudes. Because he is beautiful …

Yes, Coach Ballgame, I have seen “Red Shoe Diaries.” How else may I win your favor?

In honor of the 58th birthday of Keith Hernandez — board-certified Magnificent Bastard — I’m re-posting Rob Perri’s objectively perfect short film titled “I’m Keith Hernandez.” I might just make a yearly thing of this, at least until I die gruesomely in the year 2016. Please enjoy!

I’m Keith Hernandez from water&power on Vimeo.

Keith Hernandez is almost certainly not one of the five people you meet in heaven, but that’s only because he’s a real threat to make love to the other four.

Our All-Ugly team continues, on to the position players (who, by the way, would lose in an ugly battle with the pitchers and coaches). (What’s up with that?) (Any pitchers out there want to stand up for their kind?)

And lest any of you agree with my wife that this is all in poor taste, let me remind you that I a) included myself on the team and b) recognize that all of these men are real-life humans with real feelings and that this is all in good fun. Even Chase Utley has his bad days and all that.

Without further caveats, our All-Ugly lineup:

Read the rest of this entry »

Depending on which fan base you ask, Mr. Nyjer Morgan of Milwaukee’s Brewers is either the People’s Champion or a cad, masher and stinker. Whatever your opinion of Mr. Morgan and his outputs, though, it is always heartening to see an Aqua Velva Man in quenched repose, flush with accomplishment and awash in the warming glow of triumph …

Brewers infantry helmet atop head, which contains multitudes, reasonably priced alcohol-water within reach, and a belt-and-title smile that suggests, at once, self-satisfaction and misrule in the planning stages — When not hard at work, Mr. Nyjer Morgan is a Leisured Gentleman, and with that you must cope.

(Please and thank you: Rhett Bollinger)

Among the Great Orators of The West we count Isocrates, Cato, Cicero, Pericles. Could it be time to add another to the pantheon?

Goosebumps. Are you inspired?

Read the rest of this entry »