Nickname Seeks Player: “Aqua Velva Man”

Our ongoing quest, in the manner of the noble knight-errant, is to assign players to cool nicknames rather than indulge in the tired, shopworn paradigm of assigning nicknames to cool players.

First, though, a brief jaunt through our Nickname Seeks Player Vaulted Halls of Honor:

“Bad Miracle” – Wily Mo Peña
“Captain Black Tobacco” – John Danks
“$45 Couch” – Yuniesky Betancourt
“Liván Hernández” – Liván Hernández
“Frog in the Pot” – Carlos Zambrano

The nickname up for grabs in this episode? It’s “Aqua Velva Man”!

Denotations, Connotations, Implications, Intimations, and Incriminations:

An Aqua Velva Man, we are correctly taught, is a man who smells like a man. He is comfortable whether dining with heads of state or brawling in a casino. He has unfurled his member and made towering, sustained love in both a magnificently appointed bedchamber overlooking the Champs-Élysées and a littered Fresno stairwell (among thousands of other locations). He is also …

… the kind to enjoy some cavaliering leisure time with Vic Tayback subsequent to being heckled by Vic Tayback, himself an Aqua Velva Man.

In short, he is the sort the noble purveyors of Aqua Velva would choose to be an Aqua Velva Man. A mustache — so long as it is incontrovertibly a tickler — might help.

Prototypes from Baseball’s Gauzy Past:

No speculation required. Think Steve Garvey and Pete Rose, minus the latter’s ungentlemanly malaises. And what of Mr. Garvey’s ungentlemanly malaises? I should laugh! There’s nothing of the malaise about charitably impregnating the Ladies of America.

Guiding, Determinative Query:

Which current major-league player should be nicknamed “Aqua Velva Man”?

The convention floor, which is happily accented by standing tide pools of Aqua Velva and has available an abundance of cocktails made of same, is hereby open for nominations …