Archive for Actual Thing

Beloved, as you’ve undoubtedly already read, given that you are savvy denizens of the World Wide Web of Internets, the Baseball Writers Association of America (its induction ceremony pictured to the right) came to its senses yesterday and added FanGraphs to its list of BBWAA approved producers of baseball content.  Along with this designation, FanGraphs will undoubtedly receive a vote in upcoming award balloting for the AL and NL MVP, Cy Young, Rookie of the Year and Manager of the Year elections.  And in ten years, God-willing and the crik don’t run dry, a Hall of Fame vote (just in time to vote one last time for Tim Raines before he’s shuffled off the ballot…nice timing).

What has not been made clear is who will be doing the voting for FanGraphs.  Being that we value mob rule more than silly concepts like logic or fairness, it’s important that you make your voices heard above the din of the lot of us arguing that we deserve the vote more than Dave Cameron because we want it more (also known as the Charlie Bucket defense).

Anyway, please tell us who you would like to cast the important BBWAA votes for Fangraphs.  Make sure you read through all your options, and choose carefully.  In the interest of fairness, I’ve excluded myself as one of the choices, given how I’d win. For you have come to love me, but I don’t think I’ve been here long enough to deserve it.  Better to honor these men who built this city on rock and roll. It’s good that I’m humble enough to realize that.

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I’m going to go ahead and file this one in my ‘utopia’ folder, because while I would love to live in a world where baseball cards and rap lyrics are allowed to mingle freely without fear of prosecution, I realize that it’s just not a practical idea. With that said, I salute you, 1999 Skybox Thunder, for refusing to let anything get in the way of your vision, for laughing at tradition, for daring to include not just stats or ‘fun facts’ on the back of your baseball cards, but also carefully crafted player-specific rap lyrics. They aimed for the moon and missed, but, contrary to what the poster said in my middle-school gymnasium, they did not land among the stars, mostly because the raps just flat out suck. You can read a much more thorough account from a superior writer here, or you can bear with me for like thirty more seconds.

There are over three hundred of these cards, and while I’m sure that each one is literally the best thing ever, I’m only going to give you one for the road: #H8, a special Mark McGwire ‘Hip-No-Tized’ Insert, which can be had for only six American dollars.

Here it is written out, so you don’t have to strain your pretty little eyes (because it’s all for you reader): Popeye… King of Swing… Big Mac… Does it really matter what we call you? It’s all good, ’cause we think you’re the greatest home run hitter of all time. More dingers per at-bat than anyone in history. Even The Babe can’t touch that stat. True that. True that.

I can’t knock the ‘hustle’, but I absolutely can knock the rhyme scheme. C’mon homies, that’s a soft verse.

Every real baseball fan has a well-tuned internal clock that tells them exactly when Major League Baseball is set to begin another season. We all know that early January itch. After being distracted by the winter holidays, we start to yearn for the first sign of a pitcher or a catcher. And then, in the dead of winter, just when you’ve gotten that itch, time seems to stop.

Still, we know we will be rewarded for our patience and the end of February will finally arrive.

With all that said, though, despite knowing full well when baseball is scheduled to return, how many times will you go to the simple yet useful website isitspringtrainingyet.com and press “refresh” hoping, praying, that the next time it loads it will say something different?

53. I’ve done it 53 times.

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Thank you to NotGraphs reader Dave Yeager who created this website and sent it along to us, with this note:

A couple years ago my buddy Dan kept bothering me during work about whether or not it was spring training yet as we pined for baseball. In the interest of getting him to leave me alone I created this helpful website for him.

Perhaps it can help you as well.

Indeed, Dave.

Every now and then, something truly epic comes along. Now, it’s not every day that it’s a Cuban ballplayer with a scouting video that has production values mirroring a 1980s sitcom, but this is your lucky day.

Domingo Ayala could not be reached for comment.

Jeff Passan could, however. He said these words.

When we think of Washington Nationals prospect Bryce Harper, we usually think of this mug:

Well, prepare to have that little world rocked like an infant in a cradle built out of a pure dose of Alice Cooper’s aura. Behold:

Not only is this 19-year-old outfielder sporting some early-career facial hairz, but he his also being penciled in by some as the starting center-fielder for the Washington Nationals. That’s a lot of awesome for a fella two years younger than the drinking age.

Oh.

And he might be Zorro. Just — please — don’t tell Sgt. Gonzales…

My grandmother gave me a handful of Astros programs collected by my grandfather and my uncle at the Astros games they attended in 1972. The scorecards in the middle are each completely filled in with the messy hand of a nine year old, making the following advertisement that much more awesome.

So, the obvious question follows: who led the league in taste in 2011?

Readers may recall that I was quite unsparing in my ridicule of the last T-shirt I was tasked with reviewing. The shirt was so hideous that it soured me to shirts in general. For the past 4+ months I have gone topless, patiently waiting for a great T-shirt to come along and redeem the whole species for me. So, with winter fast approaching, the above shirt couldn’t arrive at a better time.

Made by Nike, this “St. Louis Cardinals World Championship King Tee” can be yours for just 20 bucks. Whereas the Cliff Lee-designed T-Shirt was an abject failure of both form and function, I am pleased to say that this shirt is a rousing success in each of these essential areas.

Form: 

What a cool looking shirt! The “card” motif (which, if you’ll forgive my momentary joke-killing, has a double meaning) is seamlessly integrated with the baseball aspect, with neither ingredient overpowering the other. For example, rather than overdoing it with Cardinals logos, “St. Louis Cardinals” appears once in the middle of the shirt in a reasonably sized font and the King (the symbol of supremacy) dons a Cardinals hat. The beauty is in the subtlety. You’ll notice also that where the suit would normally appear on the playing card is instead a home plate. Details like that are what make this shirt so cool that it almost brings me to a point of possibly maybe entertaining the notion of wishing I was a Cards fan so I could wear this shirt. Kudos are in order for the Nike design team. Simply put, the vast gulf in quality between this shirt and Cliff Lee’s atrocity illustrates why they are paid to do this and Cliff Lee is not.

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Yes, I too wonder where the hot dogs are.

Let’s see if we can answer your questions right out of the gate.

Yes, there is a site dedicated to making logos with food. Yes, that is an Oakland A’s logo made of relish and mustard. Yes, it’s both brilliant and useless. No, it isn’t plausible to ask anyone with any taste (cultural or epicurean) to eat a mustard and ketchup Pee-Wee Herman. Yes, the deconstructed red pepper of a Texas Rangers logo looks both disgusting and delicious, depending on how hungry you are and how much you like the Rangers. No, I do not want any pureed chicken salad, portobello mushroom and pepper Jason Voorhees. No, I do not know what the artist’s goals are. Yes, I also hope he really likes food that looks nigh inedible.

Hopefully that answers all your questions because thus concludes your lesson on the daguerreotype of the day.

Inspired by the events that transpired last night in the world of baseball (!!!!!) and in the world of Project Runway finales, I spent the afternoon making my own Game Six Win Probability Graph t-shirt (apologies to Dave Cameron, who surely never meant for this to happen).

I hope the judges don’t knock me for my styling

You can make your own memento of the %^(*$%%(@RFJingest game ever. Instructions, kind of: I printed the win expectancy graph and went over the lines with my trusty Sharpie so they would pop when I traced them… Then I just slotted the page under a white t-shirt and traced the lines with a fabric pen. I sewed red beads onto my shirt for hot playz, but you could also just do it in a different color. Embroidery would also be an option and a pretty easy one if you have a water soluble fabric pen (and who doesn’t), but I didn’t have time for that today. Then I cut the collar and sleeves off of my shirt because I’m a girl. Viola!

If hot success eludes you, then baseball sort-of great Chuck Knoblauch is here to help. How exactly? This is how, exactly:

I have no idea whether the purchase of the above bit of Textile-Based Merchandise entitles the doer of business to a Twitter follow from Mr. Knoblauch, but that’s hardly the point. The point, friends and lovers, is that everyone you meet will be under the impression that baseball sort-of great Chuck Knoblauch follows you on his Twitter computer. As Martin Heidegger once queried, “Who gives a damn shit if what you purport to be true is actually true, baby!” The question is rhetorical, which is why there’s no question mark.

As we’ve told you before, NotGraphs is nothing if not an appointment with the secrets of triumph — lion-hearted triumph at the office, in the gym and in the bedroom. I scarcely need say this, but the same goes for a t-shirt that claims Chuck Knoblauch follows you on Twitter.