Baseball Players I Can Now and Would Marry

In celebration of today’s landmark decisions on the right of all adult Americans to marry the people they love, regardless of race, creed, or gender, here is a list of baseball people I would marry, if I wasn’t already hitched to a woman who would skin me alive for even mentioning the possibility of ending our blissful union and taking up with someone else:

Ben Revere – Because his smile contains all the glories and wonder of the universe.

The Phillie Phanatic – Because it’s good to laugh.

Joe Mauer – Because he seems so gentle.

Derek Jeter – Because he should finally settle down with someone nice, and he’s so handsome.

Yasiel Puig – Because of the page views.

Ron Washington – His little dances are so endearing.

Chase Utley – Because, with all the rehab he has to do, he’d be home more often. And I bet his health insurance is great.

Roy Oswalt – Because he seems really handy.

Andrelton Simmons – Because he’s all hands, if you know what I mean.

Mike Trout – Because he does everything well.

Mark Buehrle – Because he’s a quick worker.

 

On the other hand, I have no interest in marrying:

Kirk Gibson – Too intense

AJ Pierzynski – Too much of an asshole

Delmon Young – Too anti-semitic

Alex Rodriguez – History’s greatest monster

or

Drew Butera  – Who just sucks at everything.