Hopeless Joe Makes His AL All-Star Selections

I’ve never been much of an American League fan. That’s why I chose my NL All-Stars first. Yep, the National League was doing just fine until the American League came along, just like I was doing just fine the first couple of years of my existence, until other people came along and I realized life is just one big competition and if you don’t fight for every scrap, you’ll be left on the fringes of the sandbox, bloody and crying.

That’s why I like the All-Star Game. Because of all the games ballplayers play all year, the results of this one basically don’t count, no one boos you if you lose, and, really, it’s all just one big joke. I sometimes wish the whole season was like that. That wins and losses didn’t matter, no one kept score, and the big trophy went to the team with the nicest smiles and most pleasant disposition. I think that’s the Indians, right? Any team with Nick Swisher has to be the winners in this category, don’t they? And Justin Masterson seems like a pleasant dude. Saw an interview with Lou Marson once where he seemed pretty friendly. Is he still on the team, or did Yan Gomes steal his roster spot? Poor Lou Marson.

Onto the ballot…

At first base, of course, Nick Swisher, who I just talked about. I don’t care that Chris Davis already has a season’s worth of counting stats accumulated, or that he works hard for charity in the offseason. Accepting charity isn’t all it’s cracked up to be, anyway. I once got food poisoning at a soup kitchen. Of course I did. Why wouldn’t I? I wasn’t even eating the soup. Someone threw it at me, and it got in my mouth. And that was the best Christmas I ever had.

At second base I pick the recently-demoted Chris Getz, because he needs a pick-me-up, and getting one vote for the All-Star Game should help make him feel better about the fact that his major league career may very well be over. Plus, Getz has good taste in music, and I accidentally flushed my iPod Shuffle down the toilet. So I’m feeling good about this pick, or at least as good as you can feel when you’re this medicated.

At shortstop, Jhonny Peralta, because his name sounds like Cymbalta and so he’ll help me remember to take my pills while I’m watching the game. At third base, Mike Moustakas, because I identify with the struggle of having expectations placed on you and then thoroughly disappointing. I really hope Moustakas has a good second half. Not that it really matters, because one day he’s going to die, just like all of us, and what he did in the final three months of the 2013 season is unlikely to matter much.

My pick at catcher is Carlos Santana. I love his patience. I’m patient too. I’ve been waiting for a very long time. SO WHY DOESN’T ANYTHING EVER HAPPEN? What more do I have to do to prove my loyalty? Just answer me! Answer me!!

The ageless David Ortiz is my pick at Designated Hitter. Not even I can deny that he deserves a spot on the team. As much as anyone can “deserve” anything. I don’t DESERVE you, Hopeless Jane? Well, maybe YOU don’t deserve ME! Okay, that’s not true. You were totally out of my league, I know. You were the American League to my South Atlantic League. The National League to my NY-Penn League. The Japanese League to my Long Island Ducks.

Three outfielders. Rick Ankiel, Austin Jackson, and Josh Reddick. Jackson because he plays the game like I imagine I would play the game if I had any skills at all at playing baseball, blazing speed, a little bit of power, and reckless abandon. Rick Ankiel so he can be released from the team in the 4th inning and set a new record for number of releases during a season. Josh Reddick because of the beard. I wish I could grow a beard like Josh Reddick’s beard, but, alas, all I can grow is a tapeworm– and he wants out, but I’m not letting him go. Just like the turtle I nursed back to health and then incarcerated in the guest toilet for the first twelve years of my life (until a dinner guest ignored the sign, used the bathroom, and flushed little Gus to his death), Tapey the Tapeworm is a prisoner of my insides.

So who’s gonna win?!! Can’t wait to watch the game!!!

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Jeremy Blachman is the author of Anonymous Lawyer, a satirical novel that should make people who didn't go to law school feel good about their life choices. Read more at McSweeney's or elsewhere. He likes e-mail.

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Fine selections. I have only one quibble – I believe Paul Konerko should be at first base so that we have the opportunity to see if he Getz anything besides Kuntz.