Last week, and the week before, we explored the potential of Wally Moon’s unibrow to raise America’s economic and political standing in the world, power its nuclear ambitions, and inspire our journey to the stars.  But did you know that Wally Moon’s eyebrow has the power to travel through time?

I thought not.

It’s unclear whether Wally Moon’s unibrow has constructed a machine that runs off the brow’s middle third, or whether it is able to vibrate at the exact frequency that opens an Einstein Rosen bridge (or wyrm hole) to send Moon hurtling back through time, or whether it Moon’s unibrow simply awoke to find itself trapped in the past, facing mirror images that were not its own, and driven by an unseen force to change history for the better, striving to put right what once went wrong, and hoping each time that its next leap will be the leap home.

But regardless of how Wally Moon found himself as a small town sheriff in the 1870s, he did.  And wouldn’t you like to know how the unibrow looks in a cowboy hat?  Yes, you would.  So let us now trace Wally Moon’s brief time as the sheriff of some random town in the American West:

1) Here we see Sheriff “Bender” accosted by young ne’er-do-well Larry Hanify, who fools the green lawman into thinking that heroic wagon train leader Hank McGrath is a murdering scoundrel.

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You may not be aware that world famous singer, wrapper, and sous chef Jose Reyes also is a shortstop of great quality and is currently unemployed, all alone, and looking for a new club that can help him mend his aching hamstring and make him whole again.  But while he does need a new team, one thing Jose Reyes says he does not need is your friendship.

Indeed, Jose Reyes doesn’t make friends, as he explains while rapping with some passing acquaintances he just happened upon, and for whom he has little regard and almost no emotional investment:

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What is rarer than a handlebar mustache?  More powerful than a pair of horn-rimmed spectacles?  The answer, by God, is Wally Moon’s unibrow, which we debuted last Thursday here on NotGraphs:

Wally Moon’s eyebrow, by itself can lift heavy loads.  It can do complicated maths.  It can convey emotions like disappointment, astonishment, frustration, and skepticism roughly 33% more effectively than your own two eyebrows together.

But it did not start that way.  Journey with me now to what looks like some time in the 1940s, before the eyebrow: Read the rest of this entry »

  If Vin Scully asked you to do something, would you refuse?  Of course you wouldn’t.  Not unless you were a God-damned Communist.  You would do whatever the golden-voiced Vincent asked of you and you would not ask questions.  It should be apparent by now that Vin Scully is our nation’s greatest treasure, and that to refuse him is to refuse America.  “Why do you hate America?” I would ask if Vin Scully asked you to run out and murder a hobo and you refused.  “Vin Scully has done so much for us, and you won’t do this one little thing for him?”  Then I’d put your name on my list and I’d drop it off at my nearest police precinct as one of literally dozens of Stalinist-sympathizers who are still, even today, in our midst.  I miss Joe McCarthy is what I’m saying.  (Note: Joe McCarthy the Senator, not the Manager.  Double Note: Of the US Senators, not the Washington Senators.  Though the US Senators also play in Washington.  You are smart people; you know who I mean.)

Anywho, Vince tests our devotion today in yet another early commercial for Gillette razors, in which you can see his magical powers of teleportation and miraculous ability to avoid commenting on Wally Moon’s eyebrow: Read the rest of this entry »

You are curious about things…things like quantum mechanics, birds and bees, mustaches, the funny feeling you get when a pretty girl or boy walks by, the lyric poetry of John Donne, why you have hair in new places, and the exploits of the extremely agéd… and it is in that latter vein that I present to you yet more news about Don Zimmer’s face.

Now, you’ll recall from last week that our belovéd Zim look exactly like my belovéd daughter, for his is a beautiful face.  It is also, apparently, highly average.  This information comes to us by way of the good people at Gillette.  Observe: Read the rest of this entry »

We believe, and by we I mean right-thinking North Americans, that mustaches and spectacles are inherently good. Indeed, one Dayn Perry scours the Internet day and night searching for the finest in spectacle- and mustache-related content. He has made NotGraphs your one-stop shop for spectacles, mustaches, and spectacles plus mustaches. Veritably, this site is the world’s foremost authority on spectacles and mustaches.

But, alas, I am here as the cold shower to your clearly aroused state, regarding said facial accoutrements.  As my dear grandmother likes to remind me when I steal her prescription medications, too much of a good thing is bad for you. To wit, I ask…nay, demand…you behold the evolution of one Kenneth Allen Phelps:

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Good morning, Internet denizens.  Be aware that you will find within the words of this post two pictures.  One of the subjects of said pictures is an 80 year old man who has managed the Chicago Cubs to within a fortnight of the World Series, been touched roughly by the divine hands of Pedro Martinez, and finished exactly two hits shy of the 775 he needed to take up permanent residence in the hall of fame of our hearts.  The other is a little freeloader, who, as of two weeks hence, has taken up residence in my house without paying rent, wreaked havoc with my sleep patterns, peed on my bed, and couldn’t be bothered to use her words.  Can you guess which is the baby and which is the Zim-baby?

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