Stupid Photo Essay: Wally Moon Makes History

Last week, and the week before, we explored the potential of Wally Moon’s unibrow to raise America’s economic and political standing in the world, power its nuclear ambitions, and inspire our journey to the stars.  But did you know that Wally Moon’s eyebrow has the power to travel through time?

I thought not.

It’s unclear whether Wally Moon’s unibrow has constructed a machine that runs off the brow’s middle third, or whether it is able to vibrate at the exact frequency that opens an Einstein Rosen bridge (or wyrm hole) to send Moon hurtling back through time, or whether it Moon’s unibrow simply awoke to find itself trapped in the past, facing mirror images that were not its own, and driven by an unseen force to change history for the better, striving to put right what once went wrong, and hoping each time that its next leap will be the leap home.

But regardless of how Wally Moon found himself as a small town sheriff in the 1870s, he did.  And wouldn’t you like to know how the unibrow looks in a cowboy hat?  Yes, you would.  So let us now trace Wally Moon’s brief time as the sheriff of some random town in the American West:

1) Here we see Sheriff “Bender” accosted by young ne’er-do-well Larry Hanify, who fools the green lawman into thinking that heroic wagon train leader Hank McGrath is a murdering scoundrel.

2) Sheriff “Bender” agrees to help the young lad, looks resplendent.

3) Sheriff “Bender” accosts Mr. McGrath and asks him to come quietly, and don’t make a fuss now.

4) McGrath takes advantage of the sheriff’s inexperience and inherent gullibility and convinces him to stand aside.

5) Sheriff “Bender” is shot in the leg by the young Hanifay, who miraculously manages to avoid the unibrow.

6) Yes, Larry Hanifay is dead by pitchfork.  The sheriff lies uselessly in the dirt.

7) Wally Moon’s contribution to the Old West is memorialized forever with words in English.

8) Wally Moon’s next leap takes him to space.

Images courtesy of the grace of God (who invented Netflix), and also Wagon Train: “The Larry Hanify Story” (1960)

Mike Bates co-founded The Platoon Advantage, and has written for many other baseball websites, including NotGraphs (rest in peace) and The Score. Currently, he writes for Baseball Prospectus and co-hosts the podcast This Week In Baseball History. His favorite word is paradigm. Follow him on Twitter @MikeBatesSBN.

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Wally J Moon
11 years ago

Wow! Two of my favorite all-time guys: my dad and Vin Scully. Loved “Wally Moon is Better Than You” (great picture of him as a boy scout in Arkansas, isn’t it) and “Wally Moon Makes History.” If you watch “The Larry Hanify Story” you’ll understand why Pop stuck with pro baseball and later teaching and coaching. I was worried about him getting shot (I was only 7) until he explained the concept of blood packs. I used to do a yearly interview with Vinny about events at Whiffle Ball Stadium (the Moon’s backyard in Encino where epic whiffle ball games got played). Great time to be a kid and LA was a great place to be growing up. Thanks for pointing out the power of the uni-brow . . . they are hereditary!