*It’s come to my attention that what’s below is a semi-irregular feature over at the inimitable Walkoff Walk. That’s a great website — who doesn’t like Shrimp? And this is a good idea. So I’ve taken the reigns this week.

No, your eyes are not deceiving you. Yes, that is a Twitter Fail Whale cake pictured above. Just when you thought you’d seen it all, you’re reminded why you read NotGraphs.

Twitter. A window, 140 characters small, into the life — no, the soul — of a Major League Baseball player. What wisdom, over the past seven days, have the 124 current and former baseball players, according to Tweeting-Athletes.com, imparted on the masses, now that they’ve taken to the tweets?

Well, that’s what we’re about to find out. Without further adieu, I present: The MLB Tweets of the Week …

First up, Carl Crawford, @CarlCrawford_. After signing his mammoth contract with the Boston Red Sox, Crawford took to Twitter to answer the question of all of us had on our minds:

Yes for those asking, I am going to open a bookstore. Details to come

Is it weird that I want to manage Crawford’s book store? I think it’s kind of weird.

Read the rest of this entry »

Happy Clifton Phifer Lee Day. I believe they’re still partying in Philadelphia.

First things first: You need to take a minute and two seconds out of your day to visit www.cliftonphiferlee.com. In the immediate aftermath of Cliff Lee deciding to take his talents back to South Street (or is it Broad Street? Philadelphians?), the mesmerizing website delivered the type of hard-hitting analysis I was looking for.

Read the rest of this entry »

Have you ever given any thought to what happens to a baseball bat after it breaks? After a Roy Halladay cut fastball in on the hands leaves what was once a pristine Louisville Slugger in two or three pieces?

Me neither, but good talk. I’ll see you on Tuesday.

In all seriousness, prepare to be wowed, as I was, because if you’re looking for the perfect Christmas gift for the sushi and baseball lover in your life, I’ve found it. You see, the Japanese, the fine, pioneering and resourceful people that they are, aren’t just tossing broken bats from the Nippon Professional Baseball league into the trash. Instead, Hyozaemon Corporation, Japan’s leading chopsticks producer, recycles the broken bats, turns them into miniature baseball bat chopsticks, adorns them with your favourite NPB logo, and sells them to you, the grateful consumer. Now that’s “green” I can get behind.

I don’t know about you, but after partaking in my very own baseball road trip of a lifetime this past summer, where I visited all 30 MLB stadiums in 55 days, my next baseball journey involves a flight across the world, and a visit to the Tokyo Dome. There’s nothing I want more than to sit back, watch the Yomiuri Giants, and eat some sushi using my very own “Kattobashi.”

That’s what the chopsticks are called; a play on “Kattobase!“, Japanese for “Get a big hit!”, and “Hashi,” good old chopsticks.

At the end of the day, I’m a hoarder. I own a ridiculous amount of Toronto Blue Jays memorabilia, most of which I have absolutely zero use for, but that I just can’t find in me to part with. Chopsticks that look like baseball bats? With my favourite team’s logo on them? For only $15.25 CAD, plus shipping? Oh yeah, I’d definitely buy that.

Because hoarders gonna hoard.

If you’ve yet to read The Cultural Importance of Keith Hernandez, posted yesterday by my esteemed NotGraphs colleague Dayn Perry, and not yet watched the slightly not safe for work short film “I’m Keith Hernandez” he shared, trust me: do so. I’ll wait.

…

Twenty minutes well spent, eh? I told you so. When any short film begins with Keith Hernandez’s Seinfeld cameo, you know it’s not going to disappoint. And on a cold and snowy Monday afternoon up in the Great White North, “I’m Keith Hernandez” scratched me right where I itched.

Procrastination through baseball; I’ve got it almost down to an art. And recently on my travels along the highway of information, I hit the jackpot: R.B.I. Baseball 3. While video games have certainly come a long, long way, there’s nothing like a game of baseball displayed vividly in 8-bit graphics, using baseball’s 1990 rosters.

I was the Toronto Blue Jays, of course. It was an afternoon affair, in Kansas City. Dave Stieb versus Kevin Appier.

It wasn’t pretty, an 11-1 Royals final. Dave Stieb took the loss after giving up six runs in the first inning, and was spelled in relief by Jim Acker, Jimmy Key, Duane Ward and Tom Henke. My only run came courtesy of an inside the park home run by John Olerud. It was wild. Appier went the distance for the Royals, striking out 12, Tony Fernandez and Junior Felix twice, and Kelly Gruber three times. By the 8th inning, Appier was tossing junk 27 MPH. But it didn’t matter; I couldn’t hit him.

Some pointers:

• When you’re ranging right with your shortstop, trying to get to a ball in the hole on the left side of the diamond, your left fielder is running to his right, too. And when inevitably your shortstop doesn’t get there in time, you’re screwed. It’s maddening.
• On fly balls, there’s no assist circle on the field, where you’re supposed to end up to catch the ball. More madness.
• The sound effects are utterly amazing. Appreciate them.

Did I get rocked? Absolutely. Most importantly: I had fun. And that’s what counts. They were twenty-seven minutes I wouldn’t ask to be returned.

I also found, on the same website, Nintendo’s 1983 release, Baseball, and 1987’s R.B.I. Baseball.

Enjoy. And don’t mention it.

We’ve all been there: In a text message exchange, with no idea how to end it. Do you respond to the smiley face? With a smiley face of your own? Do you show some teeth? What about the smiley face wearing a party hat? Or the one wearing sunglasses? A thumbs up? What’s the bloody protocol? It’s all very confusing.

At least it was, until Wednesday. Until the one and only Cliff Lee showed us all how it’s done. Prompted repeatedly via SMS by his former teammate Ian Kinsler to “Just sign it,” the Texas Rangers’ contract offer, Lee responded by sending Kinsler a photo of a deer shot on Clifton Phifer’s estate by a friend.

Brilliant. Why didn’t I think of that?

Anyway, the electronic banter between buddies Kinsler and Lee got me thinking: What have Derek Jeter’s former — for now — teammates been texting him? Thankfully, we here at NotGraphs have immeasurable resources, and were able to find out.

Mark Teixeira, Nov. 20, 2010, 8:48 pm:

I can’t believe they’re offering you less per season than Burnett!

Andy Pettitte, Nov. 22, 2010, 3:37 pm:

Tell CASHman you’re thinking about retiring. Works. Every. Time.

Mariano Rivera, Nov. 22, 2010, 9:07 pm:

You know Derek, 3 years and $45 million isn’t so bad. Jesus is everything!

Alex Rodriguez, Nov. 23, 2010, 4:31 pm:

Cameron Diaz. Your move, Captain.

C.C. Sabathia, Nov. 26, 2010, 9:32 am:

We gotta talk. Free for lunch? Buffet! I’m buying.

A.J. Burnett, Nov. 28, 2010, 10:01 pm:

I can’t believe they’re offering you less per season than Burnett!

Nick Swisher, Nov. 30, 11:42 am:

WHAT UP BRAH?

Alex Rodriguez, Dec. 1, 3:11 am:

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

Brian Cashman, Dec. 2, 6:21 pm:

No hard feelings?

The New York Yankees: One big, happy family.

Two posts into my not-so-illustrious NotGraphs career, and they’ve both been about Derek Jeter. I’m sorry. For your sake and mine, let’s pray this gets resolved before next Tuesday.

If you need me, I’ll be in my backyard, hunting.

Image courtesy Greg Schmigel.

One of the many websites I treasure on the Internet is Yahoo! Answers. It’s where you’re left with little to no doubt that there are people out there much, much dumber than you. And who doesn’t need a little self assurance every now and then?

Last week, as contract negotiations between the New York Yankees and Derek Jeter went from bad to worse, Yahoo! user snc413 became rightfully concerned. He asked:

if the red sox sign derek jeter, will the yankees have the curse of the captain? [sic]

Fellow Yahoo! community member Rick was quick and to the point in his response. His answer, voted the best by two souls, settled the matter:

Derek Jeter will never sign with Boston. ever. [sic]

It was user acedelux’s answer, though, that reminded me why I adore Yahoo! Answers:

I do not know about this “curse” on the Red Sox however, the Red Sox organization should not have to pay millions of dollars to someone with no brain. Jeter will want millions and millions of dollars and the Red Sox organization will say “Are you out of your mind!?” [sic]

Here’s what we learned:

Derek Jeter, apparently, has no brain. He’s made it awfully far in life, and with women, without one.

Derek Jeter wants millions and millions of dollars. As much as The Captain may be out of his mind, he’s a five-time Gold Glover, and don’t you dare forget it.

Now, picture this: Derek Jeter in a Boston Red Sox uniform, the captain’s “C” on his jersey, and The Curse of the Captain wreaking havoc in the Bronx. If I’m Theo Epstein, I’ve had my people call Derek Jeter’s people. We’ve had lunch. And I’ve tabled an offer. One year, $25 million. You know, for sh*ts and giggles. What’s a little gamesmanship amongst Evil Empires?

Image courtesy The Los Angeles Times, and a tip of the cap to Yahoo! Answers. Don’t ever change.