MLB Tweets of the Week*

*It’s come to my attention that what’s below is a semi-irregular feature over at the inimitable Walkoff Walk. That’s a great website — who doesn’t like Shrimp? And this is a good idea. So I’ve taken the reigns this week.

No, your eyes are not deceiving you. Yes, that is a Twitter Fail Whale cake pictured above. Just when you thought you’d seen it all, you’re reminded why you read NotGraphs.

Twitter. A window, 140 characters small, into the life — no, the soul — of a Major League Baseball player. What wisdom, over the past seven days, have the 124 current and former baseball players, according to Tweeting-Athletes.com, imparted on the masses, now that they’ve taken to the tweets?

Well, that’s what we’re about to find out. Without further adieu, I present: The MLB Tweets of the Week …

First up, Carl Crawford, @CarlCrawford_. After signing his mammoth contract with the Boston Red Sox, Crawford took to Twitter to answer the question of all of us had on our minds:

Yes for those asking, I am going to open a bookstore. Details to come

Is it weird that I want to manage Crawford’s book store? I think it’s kind of weird.

Next, we have Jose Bautista, @joeybats19, the newest member of MLB’s Twitter family. He’s the eighth Blue Jay with an account; Toronto leads the league. Give it up. And, I must say, it takes a real man to know when to ask for help:

“i need twitter for dummies!!”

While Bautista’s late to the Twitter game, he’s finally been given an everyday-tweeting role, and his confidence is growing by the tweet. Bautista credits catcher J.P. Arencibia for changing his tweeting approach, and is looking more and more comfortable every time he steps up to tweet. It’s only a matter of time before he’s in Twitter “Beast Mode!!!”

Chicago White Sox third baseman Mark Teahen, @ESPY_TEAHEN, and Cincinnati Reds pitcher Sam LeCure, @mrLeCure, took to Twitter this week in search of answers to life’s more perplexing questions. Teahen wondered:

Does anyone else think bottles of wine should be double the size? I mean, beer comes in all sizes, cocktails come single or double…cmon??

My mind: Blown. Teahen’s thinking outside the box. Instead of finishing one regular sized bottle of wine while I write a NotGraphs post, I can finish half a bottle that’s double the size. Brilliant.

LeCure pondered:

My parting thought….how do people successfully sleep with socks on?? I’m trying it tonight, we’ll see. Rest easy..thanks troops

I’ve never been able to do it. Secretly, I’ve always wondered how others have. LeCure’s tweet hit home. It was so … human. It proved that LeCure’s just a regular guy, like me, trying to make it in the world, while wondering how the hell anyone can sleep an entire night with socks on their feet.

Moving on, baseball fans and writers weren’t the only ones shocked by Cliff Lee’s decision to join Philadelphia late Monday night. Cleveland Indians relief pitcher Jensen Lewis, @JLEWFifty, couldn’t believe it either:

Wow Cliff told the Yanks no…. Drama!!!!

Even ballplayers love drama! Then:

Philly has the sickest rotation in the world .. Are you kidding me?! “The right and left hand of God” with Halladay and Lee.

“‘The right and left hand of God’ with Halladay and Lee.” Lewis outdid the scribes with that one. Impressive, and worthy of a follow.

A personal favourite of mine on Twitter is Old Hoss Radbourn, @OldHossRadbourn. For a guy who died in 1897, Old Hoss sure tweets a lot. But, then again, that’s not surprsing, considering he did win 59 games, and toss 678.2 innings, back in 1884. Old Hoss wondered:

When does G. Steinbrenner emerge from underneath his monument in a fit of undead rage and sign every free agent available?

Considering what’s left out there on the free agent market, I’m actually hoping this might happen. And I believe it could happen. Steinbrenner was rich enough to pay for someone to figure out how to make it happen.

Two more.

Logan Morrison, @LoMoMorrison, was able to shed light on how MLB players spend their offseasons. I really appreciated this one:

Went to Chuck-E-Cheese today. The games do not get easier as you get older. SkeeBall is a bitch.

If you’ve recently played SkeeBall, you know Morrison tweets the truth. I used to own that game. Utter domination. Kids were left in tears. Not anymore. Aging is incredibly depressing.

Finally, the one and only Jose Canseco, @JoseCanseco:

Life is about beleivinging in something

Preach on, Jose. Preach on. In all seriousness: If you’re not already, follow the former Bash Brother. He’s pure entertainment.

Image courtesy Chris Darbro.