You’ve read News of the Weird, right? Well, what’s weird is that this news is weirder – so weird, in fact, that fiction is no longer subordinate to truth.

Beginning this week, former slugger Jose Canseco will embark on a 10-week, 17-city tour in efforts to break the official world record for the longest home run. At the same time, former slugger Rafael Palmeiro is embarking on a similar tour in efforts to break the official world record for the longest denial.

As part of its 2014 Series 2, Topps has produced baseball cards that feature sabermetric stats such as TZR and WPA. In a similar marketing ploy, Upper Deck is releasing a series of Cubs cards that feature LOL and WTF.

Early last week, after a contentious weekend game, Baltimore’s Manny Machado apologized for throwing his bat at Oakland third baseman Alberto Callaspo. Later this week, Callaspo will apologize for not throwing it back.

On Sunday, Seattle first baseman Logan Morrison responded to a fifth-inning failure – a pop-up with runners in scoring position – by smashing his bat. Meanwhile, former Seattle forward and 11-time father Shawn Kemp responded to a string of successes by smashing his balls.
Read the rest of this entry »

In baseball we often hear the term “three true outcomes.” What this means, for those of you who need to know what things mean, is that the outcomes known as the home run, the strikeout and the walk, being three and not two or four in number, are the only outcomes that are true and not false. (If you didn’t know this, you are lucky that it wasn’t an essay question.) For those of you who need to know what things mean on a deeper, more satisfying level, know this: The outcomes are “true” because they do not involve long, detailed stories of my sexual conquests, including the ones in Canada. They are “true,” too, because when it comes to pitcher-hitter showdowns, they represent the only events that don’t rely on the defense, be it a nickel package or a 3-4. As an aside, I should say that a 3-4 would be a good defense to run against Mike Trout. He is very fast, and very strong.

As another aside, I should say that when it comes to the pitcher-hitter showdowns as previously described, three false outcomes would be these:

1) The measles outbreak of 1687
2) The Pat Metheny album Orchestrion
3) Helium

But “false,” if you must know, is patently different than “untrue.”

Why? Because I say it is, and I am not kidding.

And so, in the spirit of the vast but subtle difference between untruth and falsehood, I give you a list of three untrue outcomes from my baseball past:
Read the rest of this entry »

On occasional occasions – and this is one such occasion – we here at NotGraphs like to see if you’ve paid attention. So … have you paid attention?

1. Before hiring Jay Z’s Roc Nation Sports, Cuban free agent Rusney Castillo also considered:
(a) Sergei Rachmaninoff’s Rach Nation Sports.
(b) Johann Sebastian Bach’s Bach Nation Sports.
(c) Doc Severinsen’s Doc Nation Sports.
(d) John Holmes’ Penis Country Athletics.

2. When Manny Machado threw his bat at Alberto Callaspo, he was trying to:
(a) Teach him an important lesson about the U.S. timber industry.
(b) Administer an invigorating deep-tissue massage.
(c) “Keep him on his toes.”
(d) Marry him, in the manner of a jumping-the-broom ceremony.
(e) Both (a) and (c), and possibly (b) and (d)

3. The Nationals are attributing their recent hot streak to banana and mayo sandwiches. To what sandwich do the D-backs attribute their miserable season?
(a) PB&J (the “J” is for “Jheri curl”)
(b) BLT (the “T” is for “thumbtack”)
(c) Banana and mayo
Read the rest of this entry »

It is on rare and happy occasions, perhaps akin to a white buffalo riding Halley’s Comet into a quiet Christopher Russo, or a loud Christopher Russo accepting his fate as the victim of the same cometary bovine, that that we hear analysts speak of players who “do things the right way.” This way of doing things correctly, or at least not incorrectly, is an achievement so exceptional, so absolutely white-buffalo-riding-Halley’s-Comet-into-a-blissful-dream uncommon, that fans might go years or even decades without hearing an expert place it squarely atop the scale of things as they have now been done. Yes? But have you ever stopped to consider – I mean really stopped, like at a crosswalk – how things are best done the wrong way?

Right way: Pitcher pitches ball, follows through, assumes defensive position.

Wrong way: Pitcher pitches ball, follows through, stimulates parieto-occipital junction to achieve lucid dreaming, in which state he becomes – and is aware that he becomes – a rabid hyena in the wilds of the Serengeti, whereupon he eats the shortstop before snarling at a group of hungry umps whose runt he quickly devours.

Right way: Batter hits ball, drops bat, runs toward first base.
Read the rest of this entry »

As a loyal reader of NotGraphs – and by the way, thank you for that; turns out, the answer to the question as to how many boats a man can ski behind is six! – you might’ve noticed a peculiar penchant among NotGraphs writers, at least when we aren’t slaloming behind our sextet of Super Air Nautiques.

Namely, we like to name things.

We have named stadiums, teams, even men.

We have matched nicknames to players, and players to nicknames.

Now it’s time to name, or rename, the game’s most basic component: positions.

Traditional name: catcher
Duty: catching.
Other duties: squatting; wearing cup; checking cup; rechecking cup; re-rechecking cup; being interchangeable; “calling a good game;” blocking balls in dirt; being a “field general;” sweating; hitting .226; throwing out “would-be base stealers;” getting designated for assignment; “getting called up;” not blocking plate; acting solicitous toward umpire, i.e., complimenting him on his strike zone and his mouthwash; placing mask under armpit after victory and walking toward center field while saying things to pitcher that television viewers attempt to lip-read
New name: Squatmaster, Lord of the Groin
Read the rest of this entry »

Yesterday our own Bradley Woodrum posted an article at The Hardball Times titled “The Physical Obstacle for Women in Baseball.” If you haven’t read it, you should, if only because I get $5 for each referral, plus a Woodrum Tote Bag for every 10. But here’s the larger point: I hereby submit that Woodrum’s piece is totally sexist! Why? Because it completely ignores the physical obstacles we men have faced in our pursuit of baseball greatness.

What follows is a partial list:

Adam: You know what the gospel says, right? – that he visited the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil? But what the apocrypha says that he also visited the Tree of Knowledge of the Strike Zone. (One Old Testament observer put it this way: “He really knoweth the strike zone.”) That knowledge was put to the test one day when Eve, though tiring, continued to fire the ol’ apple just off the edge of the plate. Pitch after pitch, Adam refused to swing. He’d heard the adage – that you can’t walk your way out of Eden – but still he wouldn’t take the bat off his shoulder. Eventually his hit tool atrophied, and he was ashamed. Later, his plan to become a defensive specialist ended when he took a one-hopper to the fig leaf.
Read the rest of this entry »

By now you’ve seen the footage, either on ESPN or the Travel Channel: Last night, in the ninth inning of a 3-3 game against Texas, Minnesota’s Eduardo Nuñez journeyed first to the Boundary Waters of the Minnesota-Ontario border, where he canoed languidly through waterways carved into Precambrian rock, and then to Lake Superior, where he rented a cozy cottage and, in his own words, “did some fishing and, really, just a lot of relaxing,” before returning to Target Field, sprinting down the left-field line and reaching third base to avoid Adrian Beltre’s tag.

Now, in the aftermath of Nunez’s journey, the Major League Umpires Association has agreed to a revolutionary new rule: “In the ninth inning of a tie game, the home team can designate one (1) runner to travel to any destination, provided it is within the territorial borders of the North American continent, before returning to the field and enjoying full and unfettered access to the base of his choosing, in whose vicinity, and to much rejoicing, a designated umpire will dramatically rule him safe before arguing successfully with the opposing manager. In addition, should the designated runner travel beyond the borders of the United States of America, he will enjoy a personal exemption from U.S. Customs inspections as well as duty-free status on up to five (5) bottles of liquor and five (5) packages of quality chocolates.”
Read the rest of this entry »

The thing that makes America great, apart from the way it fits so perfectly into the North American landmass – seriously, what are the odds? – is its capacity for allowing talented bloggers to showcase their kick-ass math skills by writing that “Bourjos is a miiiiiiilllllllion times better than Trout, you four-eyed moron,” and also by providing enumerated (enumer8ed) lists.

What also makes America great are these three (3) things:

1) unscripted television

2) mustard

3) the First Amendment

Granted, it’s weird that something called the First (1st) Amendment came in third (bronze) place in my List (List) Of Great-Making Things, but why, you might ask, is the aforementioned Amendment still so totes amazeballs? Well, for one thing, it allows intelligent Internet commenters to observe, “Thers somthing called the Frist Amendmant, you know!!1!2!3!!” whenever a corporation cans an employee for cooing via webcam, “My boobs are totes amazeballs!”

For another, it allows private citizens to voice private thoughts regarding

1) auto racing

2) mustard

3) cannibalism

without fear of gubmint retribution.

One such instance occurred this week, after Dodgers Triple-A catcher Miguel Olivo gnawed off the unfortunate ear of teammate Alex Guerrero.

Read the rest of this entry »

The coldest winter I ever spent was the last five minutes of a basketball game. What does this mean, exactly? I’m not sure. My brain can be very weird. You should see it sometime. Seriously. It’s here on the desk beside me, next to my cup of chicory. It’s wearing a pair of Captain Morgan souvenir sunglasses – the brain, I mean, not the chicory – and one of the lenses is missing. This gives it a kind of “crazed” look, but I would say it’s really more “demented” than crazed, or that the sun is in one of its eyes.

But let me tell you, basketball games last forever, if by “games” you mean those last five minutes and if by “forever” you mean, like, forever. Why, just the other night, I watched the last five minutes of an NBA playoff game and in the meantime began to enjoy the musical stylings of Lawrence Welk. I also found Angela Lansbury to be a handsome woman. In addition, I began to fart without intending to do so.*

*If you still haven’t caught on to what I’m saying, please consider: I also began reading AARP publications, not for the articles but for the pictures.

Anyhoo, nobody seems concerned about the length of basketball games. Why? Because those last five minutes come with commercials through whose content we might learn that beer is best enjoyed “cold.” But baseball games? Jiminy Cricket, people have been moaning about their length for-EH-verrrrrrrr, as if baseball games were Ming Dynasties or Phish jams, or Phish Jams whose themes, coincidentally, are Ming Dynasties.

To that end – ha! – I hereby offer these proposals for accelerating the game:
Read the rest of this entry »

David Ortiz: trendsetter, world changer, wizard.

First, he turned a no-hitter into a one-hitter.

Then, he turned an infamous error into an infamous hit.

Next, he turned a pop-up into a scorching line drive (in the box score!).

In the process, he turned a one-hitter into a two-hitter … and a two-hitter into just another shutout. Now, emboldened by his mystical success, Big Papi is transforming the very world we live in – the very world we thought we knew! – by altering our most cozy definitions and familiar designations, a Merlinesque achievement in a land where magic was believed extinct.

What follows is a list of what things were and, per Ortiz, what things are.

What follows, indeed, is The World According to Papi.

Read the rest of this entry »