A Handy Primer to Papi Culture


David Ortiz: trendsetter, world changer, wizard.

First, he turned a no-hitter into a one-hitter.

Then, he turned an infamous error into an infamous hit.

Next, he turned a pop-up into a scorching line drive (in the box score!).

In the process, he turned a one-hitter into a two-hitter … and a two-hitter into just another shutout. Now, emboldened by his mystical success, Big Papi is transforming the very world we live in – the very world we thought we knew! – by altering our most cozy definitions and familiar designations, a Merlinesque achievement in a land where magic was believed extinct.

What follows is a list of what things were and, per Ortiz, what things are.

What follows, indeed, is The World According to Papi.

error = hit

hit = basic component of The Legend of Papi

pop-up = scorching line drive (in the box score!)

one-hitter = two-hitter

two-hitter = shrine to Papi’s team-oriented approach

baseball = forum for Papi’s team-oriented approach

DH = David Ortiz

David Ortiz = Big Papi, beloved universal figure

batter’s box = Papi’s magical kingdom

tree = supplier of Papi’s magic wand

Papi’s magic wand = 34 ½”, 33-oz. Papiville Slugger

Earth = Papi’s world

Papi’s world = place in which we are just living

solar system = place that contains Papi’s world, in which we are just living

Milky Way = see above

above = Papi’s position relative to all humanity

Antarctica = Papi-less wasteland

Myanmar = developing Papi country

Papua New Guinea = Papi New Guinea, developed Papi country

Pakistan = country that Papi has his eye on

Massachusetts = state with slogan “The Spirit of Papirica”

Massachusetts (alternately) = state with slogan “Make It Papi’s”

Boston = Papitown

Boston (alternately) = The Cradle of Papity

Boston (alternately alternately) = The Intentionally Walking Papi City

New England = Greater Papi

Pop-Tarts = Papi-Tarts

Pippi Longstocking = Papi Longstocking

Mamma Mia! = Papi! Papi! Papi!

Tony! Toni! Toné! = The Three Papis

Papiamento = Papi!amento

baseball field = Papi’s Field of Papi’s Dreams

Papi’s Field of Papi’s Dreams = Papi’s reality, and therefore ours

reality = events as scripted by Papi

pitcher = Papi’s personal puppet

right fielder = see above

second baseman = see above, but let ball drop to ground anyway

television = colorful box on which anyone, including Papi, can watch Papi

radio = thing that is not as good as television for purposes of watching Papi

Internet = Papi windows for Papi watching

box score = box score!

box score! = The Gospel According to Papi

Papi = Papi

Papi = Papi = Papi > Greater Papi

Papi = Papi = Papi > Greater Papi = Papi >

We hoped you liked reading A Handy Primer to Papi Culture by John Paschal!

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John Paschal is a regular contributor to The Hardball Times and The Hardball Times Baseball Annual.

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Wow, man.